I actually realized today how much I missed work. Yesterday I got really tired/bored since it was an 8-hour day and we're just doing mark ups ALL WEEK. Yesterday I was like, "Man, I can't do this for a living." I did the same thing all day long. It was just really monotonous & I got really bored
But today (a 7-hour shift. OMG, thank goodness) I realized how much I missed the store :( Got to work with Mel, Sam & Nicole for the first time in Classic Designs history (well technically I got yesterday, haha) I'm actually pretty sad. I missed going to work and interacting with people my age Vs. now when I just interact with younger kids. I missed my coworkers even though I'm not close to all of them & my "new favorites" are gone. I missed singing at work & being a gangster even though I wear Disney stuff. I missed sticking paper on people's backs and wheeling around the store in chairs. I missed taking breaks longer than supposed to, and being allowed to go out & get food and have it not counted towards our breaks. I missed people my age. I missed talking about stupid stuff. Man, I'm going to miss all this when this week ends, even though they're "grown up" 8-hour days. 37 scheduled hours this week. That's almost a full time job. I want to be scheduled for the 31st too, just so I can get the feel for a full time job, even if it's just a week.
I'm really going to miss the store after this week :( Least I was able to work for a week during Winter though. Usually they don't need the help. & I'm going to miss how chill it's been. I mean.. during the summer it's chill in the beginning, but there's always new employees and it's awkward in the beginning. And everyone has 50 different jobs and there's not much socializing. This week, everyone is working on pretty much the same project and the actual store is closed so there's no customers to worry about. & we don't even have to wear our work polos. It's just so chill. We're all in the front and the boombox is out & we're all singing along and laughing (Even though "loud laughing will not be tolerated"). Man, I'm going to miss this.

Dear me,

What the heck is wrong with you. You went into finals doing GREAT. You could have effin' pulled a 4.0 this semester, but instead you got too excited and too lazy and too selfish. I don't care if you're tired and you want a "5 minute nap," you don't sleep until you're finished. You screwed yourself over, this is a lesson learned. Better not mess up this last final. Oh, and by the way. START YOUR STUPID 10-PAGE PAPER DUE TOMORROW. & stop worrying about your skin. It's winter, it's also gross. I know it hurts, just ignore it.

12/14/11

EDIT:

Dear Me,

Okay, so you made up for screwing yourself over by your awesome skills on your final AND getting 20/20 on an assignment for the same class, BUT WHY DID YOU FALL ASLEEP AGAIN? You have 13 hours to produce your 10-page paper, and we both know that that's not enough time for you. Please, for me, don't get distracted. Leave your phone on the other side of the room, and after this, please unplug your internet. Just look at your progress in this class! A+, A-, A on your assignments. You can easily pull an A in this class. just get your act together. ONE LAST PAPER, then enjoy Winter Break. You can do this, we can do this.

Love,
Me

12/15/11

Word Vomit

I didn’t realize what JLC meant to me when I pledged. I had a boyfriend who really wasn’t right for me, and I went though all the requirements and pledge meetings really bitter. I honestly wasn’t very happy, and I didn’t really know who I was. During pledging I constantly thought about de-pledging. It might have been because my boyfriend wasn’t that supportive of it, or because of the stress and all nighters, or it might have been the commitment. After pledging, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I realized that I wasn’t as connected to my friends as I thought I was. I realized that being a closed person towards my closest friends actually pushed them away. I saw all my psibs happy with each other. Everyone made their little connections and all their inside jokes, and I didn’t feel a part of that. I guess on the outside it seemed like I loved JLC and all, but I struggled calling my mommas “momma”

After all the ups & downs I’ve been through this past year, I’d like to say that JLC has seen me at my best and worst, but that would be a lie. But I can honestly say this: I’ve come close to spilling my guts a few select people, and honestly, that’s saying a lot. I trust these people, I accept them for who they are, and I really can’t imagine having another pledge class- another family.

Ultimately, I think JLC gives me a sense of belonging. As I find myself being less and less connected with AphiO, I feel like JLC still makes me happy. Everyone makes me smile and laugh. These people inspire me. I find comfort knowing that these people will stick up for me and protect me. It’s nice knowing that one year later, those who are still active are still close, and I appreciate it. I still feel the love, and I’m so proud to be a part of the pledge class called JLC.

To my two mommas: I know it couldn’t have been easy, but you guys raised 65 amazing kiddos. Mama Maritza, you really do inspire me. You’ve done so much, and I really hope to accomplish as much as you one day, or just strive to be more involved on campus. & Momma Shelsy, my PE, I remember my trick to remembering that you were PE was because you seemed like more of a teacher, but ultimately, you’re more like a mother. You’re super caring & super loving, and I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like you give each one of your kiddos their own personal attention, and that’s all I could ask for in a pledge class so huge. I appreciate that so much, really.

JLC 65 Strong, One Year Strong

All this font would make my Tumblr look ugly and tacky, so Blogspot will have to do.

It all seems too fast, though most people would definitely tell me other wise. Too official, yet not at all. Although people surrounding me don't seem to really care. Sad, when I think about it 'cause none of you really want to know about this important piece to my life. It's always the same, so I never bother to worry about it. Note to self: Stop fooling yourself. One.

I never thought that I'd... well.. I guess I assumed that this wouldn't happen. That everyone knew, and would lay off what's mine, but I was wrong. It's not like anything happened or anything, but it's the thought... Knowing that someone would have taken him, even just for one night. I'm not a happy camper. Everything was intercepted, and nothing happened, but the thought of it lingers in my head. I'm scared it'll happen again, but next time it won't end up this way. He's mine, back off. Yet I'm the one holding back from the public. This is all my fault... yet I'm still greedy. I'm scared of something happening. At least I know what he would have said.

Least we both know I get jealous. A little jealously never hurt anyone. It just shows that I care. Which, believe me, you never want to have a relationship without jealousy. A healthy relationship should always have a little bit of jealousy. Never too much, of course.

Maybe it's time I just stop hiding it. Maybe it's time that I tell people.

The reason why I suck as a sponsor is because I have a sucky sponsor. The reason I know I'm going to suck as a big because I have a sucky big. I'm sorry I'm trying to avoid being a sucky big. I really don't want a relationship like that. I need to learn what good bigs do. I need to, so I can be one.... once my big graduates.

I miss my grandmas sometimes. I mean, who else in the world would cut open those big grapes, take away the seeds, and peel them for me? Absolutely no one. I remember my mom used to ask her why she did that, and then she'd tell her that I was capable of eating them normally. Hah. I remember giving my grandma chicken bones after I was done eating them, and she'd eat that marrow part. I remember her radio with those Chinese stations. I remember every Thanksgiving, she'd slave away in the kitchen and all the newspaper. I remember those "Chinese Scissors" B and I played with. How we'd say that only a true Chinese could use them. I remember playing with silly putty, and how she made me a horse. I remember all those Saturdays going over after Chinese school. I remember showing her all my homework and papers, so proud of myself. I remember those brown plates. I remember my kiddy plates with the dividers. I remember Grandma's chair. I remember how she's always, always buy my favorite cereal and eat it too. I remember all those blankets she made me, and Greeny's still my favorite. I remember the toys. And her backyard- all the flowers. I remember that time there was a fire next door, and we were evacuated. I remember going back for the pink teddy bear blanket she made me. I remember going to Disneyland too. And China. Man, I really miss her sometimes. I was over there pretty much every other weekend before B and I were old enough to stay home alone. 10 years yesterday. 10 years without her. It's silly when I think about it. I remember the day after her funeral. I woke up crying because I realized Grandma wasn't with us anymore. Lately I've been thinking about her a lot, since everyone's been asking me if I can speak Chinese. I just say, "No. I went to Chinese school for about three years, then quit. And after my grandma passed away, I never used it, so I lost it". I wish I could have talked to her about what it was like coming to America. I wish I knew everything she went through. All the stories would have been great, I bet. I wonder what she thought Texas was like. Mom says they had to grow their vegetables so they could have the Asian ones. I wonder she Grandma thought though. I wonder if being in Texas made her open to more races. I wonder what she thoguh exactly when she learned how to make tamales in Texas. And going to SF? Man, imagine a change like that. Going from no Chinese/Asian people at all, to being surrounded by them? My mom tells me what she thought, but I wonder what my grandma thought. I wish I was able to talk to her. I wish I was able to know what it was like. I wish I knew.
10 years yesterday. 10 years without the one grandparent that I was really attached to. I mean, yes, I still have my grandma on my dad's side, but it's not the same. I was never raised by her. And my grandpa on my mom's side? Died when I was 5 weeks old. Grandpa on my dad's side? I never shed a tear over him. He was always quiet, didn't say much. Always stayed in his room when we'd be over. My grandma though. My Paw Paw. I miss her.

It doesn't make sense to be sad. There's 50 million other things in the world way more important than this, but I can't help it. Is it my fault I feel like crying? That even when you held me for a few seconds, I felt alright? Then after feeling sad again, we just went about our normal business, and when I was dropped off, I just left without a real kiss or hug. And you didn't stop me like you normally do. Even though you knew I was sad. It's stupid of me, I know. And there's so many things you do for me, and I take you for granted, but I'm sad. Like legitly sad,and you just went home. I know you have stuff to do tomorrow morning, so do I. I have my paper which I put on myself, but in all honesty, I probably would have walked away fine if you held me even for a few minutes. Instead, here I am, sitting at my computer, trying to write my paper, but instead my mind is wandering not to why I was sad in the beginning... but why you didn't do anything. What I would have done if I didn't have a paper. What I would do if I could just freeze time. I'm such a baby. I just want to be held all the time. Why do you even put up with me. I'm sick of myself. Why are you still here? Even if I thought "Screw it, I'm going to bed", I wouldn't even be able to sleep knowing that deep inside of me, there's probably some anger towards you, and we promised we'd never go to bed mad.

• My brain can’t focus, despite knowing that I’m supposed to finish this crap. Honestly, you shouldn’t come over because I don’t deserve it.
• Good for you. I know you’re not going to be the person you should be to him/her. Glad you got what you want.
• I don’t care what it takes in the future. I think once you graduate, then I’ll do what I want. And I’m going to do everything I can capable of to have the best relationship I possibly can.
• Still waiting for something telling me you’re still alive.
• You were probably my motivation last semester, and I hate that. Now I don’t even really enjoy it.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED. WHY CAN'T I JUST SIT STILL AND FINISH THIS. I swear, I have a problem or something.

I wish I knew why I go to tailgates because it's only so entertaining sober. Then again I think I just wasn't cool with the little space we had today. Claustrophobic. Not the business. & I think I just end up worrying about all the people that drink too much, and get sick of talking to drunk people. That means you guys, random strangers in the elevator asking me all about my coffee. Seriously? It's 2AM, I'm trying to stay away and GSD so I can go to church & BSR & Fam stuff & Chapter on Sunday. Mmk? You too, friends of my suite-mate who kept talking about drugs, especially you-know-who. Cool, you came back to celebrate her birthday. Please don't stay here. OMG, I hear her voice from my room again. Ugh, get a life.

I told myself I wouldn't drink coffee unless I really need it, and here I am, second night in a row with a coffee. If I keep working at this pace, I'll need a super strong one on Saturday night, as well as Sunday morning. Why am I even making a big deal out of a 10-page paper? I really shouldn't. Complaining and procrastinating isn't going to make the requirement be shorter, or help the paper write itself.

Hey you,

Don't do it. It'll only hurt you. Think of what matters. Quit thinking and get back to work, you'll thank me for this later. Don't you want to spend as much time as possible actually relaxing this weekend? Don't you realize that after a crazy weekend, you still have to go through Monday and Tuesday before you can relax on Wednesday? And who are you kidding, you still have that big project you have to worry about after you finish this huge paper. Just focus and do your work. You'll thank me later.

Love,

Me.

PS, stop worrying what you post on your Tumblr. If you really don't want to post something, just post it on your Blogspot. Remember that's why you have it.

Is working in SJ even worth it? This three hours a week thing is horrible. Last week was Labor Day so I didn't even have work. Do the kids even remember me? What sucks is that it already takes me forever to get used to a work environment. Ugh, I'm so impatient. And I can't believe I forgot to sign in for a day too. And it costs three hundred something to have my car here this semester. What the heck.. and now my emblem thing on one of my wheels got stolen. Why is SJ so ghetto? At least I got my paycheck from my summer job. & I'm working for my dad today. What's sad is one day of work is basically a month of work at my SJ job. Sigh. If things don't improve in a few months, I rather just save the trouble and not have my car here and quit. Because honestly, it's not worth it. I feel like my car would have been safer at my friend's place... and a lot cheaper, but my parents didn't want me to walk so far. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I listened to him and didn't do Alpha Phi Omega. Would I still be in a relationship that wasn't right? Would have have stayed close to the friends I had freshman year? Would have have figured out my major so I wouldn't be in a pickle. Would I have a higher GPA? Would I be just as daring and social as my first semester? I often wonder if I would have pledged later on. Would I be close to my pledge class? Would I be working? Would I actually GSD? Alpha Phi Omega has been good to me. It's given me a chance to help others out, and meet people I would have probably never met. In the end, I'm glad I did it. it brought be close to a people. I never would have thought that I'd meet a person like that in my life. Alpha Phi Omega has opened my eyes to so many thinks. I've learned to accept so many different types of people. I've been proven wrong about so many things, though I hate to admit it.

Then again, should I be happy that I can make myself busy? That I have the ability to fill my life with a constant stream of things to do? yet if I wanted, I could disappear and no one would notice. I feel like that's the worst part about Alpha Phi Omega. We're such a huge organization that not everyone would notice if I disappeared. The only people that would notice are the ones that see me on a regular basis, and honestly, not many people see me daily.

Joining an organization such as this may seem like a boring choice, or one that doesn't really affect a person's life.. but honestly, it's affected mine so much, but not in the way that people would expect it to. I feel like I've grown a lot from the organization. I feel that although I'm not extremely involved, I'm aware of the issues we need to work on as a Chapter. I'm aware of the all the work and thought that goes into every event. More than anything, I appreciate everything. Even when it goes wrong. And believe me, it does go wrong.

I see so many flaws, but in the end, I guess I'm happy that I joined. I'm happy to see people work out flaws and voice my opinion. I'm happy that I'm stronger.

And although it doesn't seem like it, Alpha Phi Omega really has helped me deal with stress, to a point. It helps me stay on top of what I need to get done, and although I'm still bad at it, I've learned how to manage my time.

I'm glad that I when I pledged, I did it for myself. At the time I made the decision to pledge, I was at a point in my life where I did everything for another person. I didn't even dress the way I wanted to. I interacted with one person, and only a few people outside of him and his friends (when he was alright with me interacting with them). Although I grew stronger, I guess what bothers me is that I never grew strong enough to break away from a relationship that wasn't right for me. I still regret that. But what I don't regret is listening to myself in choosing to join this organization. Because essentially, he didn't want me to do it. He didn't think I could do it. But you know what? I did it. I've grown from it, and although you may not think I'm done much... I've accomplished so much after joining this organization.

What's sad though is.. I know the truth. Eventually, I'm going to get sick of this organization and being inactive or just avoid Alpha Phi Omega. It happens to a majority of the members. As sad as it sounds, even now I'm getting a little tired of the routine. Service, fellowship, brotherhood, dues, Chapter meetings, Rush, Bigs, Littles, Picking up. Honestly, it's getting a little played out. It's not exciting anymore. I have a feeling I'm just going to continue to do everything in order to keep myself busy because honestly, if I don't have anything keeping me busy, I know I'm just going to socialize too much. And my grades will be worse than they already are.

Right now, I don't think I can imagine myself without Alpha Phi Omega. I feel like I don't have anything else to do. I feel like.. I don't really have people outside of the organization anymore. I feel like I threw away those friendships when I got in a relationship, and didn't bother chasing after them after it was over. I feel like I'm a horrible people person, that I won't really be able to keep friendships into my adult life because I either don't keep up with them, or I end up realizing that I actually don't enjoy their company. I say I'm a people-person, but am I really? I don't believe I am. I think I've matured a lot, actually. I know it doesn't seem like it based off of the way I present myself, but when I hang out with people from my past, I realize how much I've grown and I realize why it is that I don't keep in touch with certain people.

I wish I never stopped journaling when I entered college. I wish I could read back on the old me and remember just how naive and judgmental I was.

I wish I could go on and write more, but I know better. I have busy weekend of APO stuff and a sleepover, and hopefully a fun & eventful Monday to look forward to. I should get some homework done.
You know what though? So far, this weekend has made up for this horrible week. But by this time next month, everything should work out :)

I hate those moments when you flash through my mind. I hate knowing that you probably don't give a sh/t about me. That you never knew how much you meant to me. I hate how I bent over backwards trying to please you, and you never showed you cared. I hate how much I worried constantly. How I disconnected myself from so many people, giving then up to be with you. I hate how it took me forever to pack away all you sh/t in a box that haunts me when I come home. I hate how even after it was over, I still made stars for you. I hate how picky you were. I hate your criticism. I hate how you made me feel about myself. I hate how I felt stupid. I hate how I felt ugly. I hate how I was never good enough. I hate how you were alright with me walking by myself constantly late at night. I hate how you yelled at me. I hate how nothing I seemed to please you. I hate how I gave up so much for you. I hate how you didn't support me. I hate how if I didn't plan something, we ended up doing absolutely nothing. I hate how I was so passive. I hate how I wasn't strong. I hate how even when I think about it, I don't accept all there things, but instead, I hate myself. I hate how sensitive I was. I hate how much I cried over you. I hate how you affected me. I hate how you affect me. But I want you to know, I don't hate you.

Last night I wrote a little note to my mom wishing her good luck oh her test that she's been super nervous about. This morning, my mom woke me up before work and thanked me. Then she told me she loved me. Sometimes I realize how much I take my parents for granted. I mean.. I go away to school, and when I'm home, all I really want to do is get out of the house. Just last summer, I swear I was barely home. This summer I'm home a lot more, but still not much. It makes me sad 'cause I realize how much of my life my parents don't know about anymore. It seems like just yesterday my mom was telling all her friends about how I told my mom everything. Last night, my dad went into my room and recommended some DVDs to watch. I kind of miss watching movies with my dad. That used to be our thing before I went to college. I kind of miss my brother too. Now we barely see each other, and when we're at home together we both do our own thing. Not to mention most of our conversations are just us criticizing each other. And now that I don't ask to take the car, we don't really talk much. When did I drift so far from my family?

So I guess I get a lot of Bro Code and stuff, but yesterday I learned something new about the Bro Code. FOR REAL? It makes me mad, actually. I'm not going to lie, I understand it and if I were in that position, I would really appreciate it.. but it sucks to be in my actual position.

I can't hang out with a person I consider MY FRIEND without him asking Kevin for his approval. Seriously? I understand it, but it's frustrating for me. I didn't even talk to him as much when I was with Kevin because he told me not to. Kevin and I are over, and I STILL can't hang out with him? You gotta admit that's not fair. For real. I don't wanna make a HUGE deal.. but really. It upsets me. I went hecka long not talking to him for Kevin, and after we're over I STILL need Kevin's approval? Ugh, I swear, it doesn't escape me. It's not like I'm trying to make a move or anything. I just wanna hang out with someone! Ugh.

PS. OMG, WHAT THE HECK. The preschool CALLED ME YESTERDAY! This is great! I know it's been hecka long and stuff, but working at a preschool like real experience, and although I would really rather work on campus, but I feel like having a preschool will be better on my resume. Especially since I might possibly work with kids in the future. Okay, my laptop is about dead, forget about reading this over. Back to watching TV.

I woke up at 8AM today. It's currently 9:20, and I'm still lazing in bed. I went to bed at like, 5 too. That Thai tea... I should have resisted. But I was happy that I was able to stay awake to Skype rather than just fall asleep. Even though that happened eventually.

I feel so exhausted, but I really need to get up because I want to get to SJ by 12, and I want to curl my hair again!

I think I'm currently really into curling my hair. I've done it twice in like, the past week, and it's kind of fun. I've always liked curly hair, and now I'm figuring out how to do it by myself. Hehehe. So exciting. Speaking of curly hair, I did it the other day, and I was also wearing a nice outfit, so I felt super trendy. Well, not super trendy, but I felt nice about how I was dressed. I think I realized how much more confidence I have when I dress nicely. Yes, I do realize that's kind of shallow, but it feels nice to look nice.

It's weird though because things like that remind me of Kevin. Because well, lately I've been getting into shopping. Which is both good and bad cause I HECKA need new clothes, and I actually hate shopping. (I'm riding the shopping wave for as long as possible). Anyways. All this kind of reminds me that I shouldn't dress for other people. I have so many items in my closet that I personally don't like because I bought them because Kevin liked them. Or I bought them because I though Kevin would like them. I do admit that it's a little weird shopping for myself after a while, but I am starting to enjoy it a little. It's a learning experience

BTW, got my JULY PAYCHECK, sucka. I'm so excited. But honestly, and I told this to my mom, this paycheck is kind of recovery from all the money I spent on Kevin. I know once I deposit it... it really isn't going to do much of anything for my bank account because I spent so much money. Not only on him, but last semester in general. Hah.

Applied for two jobs in SJ. Need to apply for another, then I'll be happy. I really need a job though.. like, for real this semester.

I'm good at diverting attention away from me. And honestly, that's probably how I'm going to live the rest of my life.

I haven't blogged in a while, and I don't journal anymore, so I haven't had much of any way of remember what's been happening in my life.. I read somewhere to make CD's every month or so because a song sparks memories during that time. Maybe I'll start making playlists or something. That might be better.. I should start downloading music again 'cause I kind of miss music.

Funny how one thing can spark a memory, then everything just seems to spiral down and things get blown out of proportion.

Life has been good. Lately I've been thinking about how different everything is compared to a year ago. Everything is so completely different. This time last year, Brian was in the hospital. I was working, and I was with Kevin. The only thing the same is work, but you know what? Even that is completely different. Now I'm comfortable at work. I'm slowly getting more confidence, and now I think I realize how much I know compared to the new employees. I don't feel extremely useless at work anymore. I mean yes, I still feel pretty useless, but I feel better. I can do phone calls now, and that makes me happy. :) I'm excited because today I'm going to hang out with work people. And I got a lot of hours this summer, so I'm really excited for the pay check which I should get this week :) Exciteddd. I only get paid once a month, but OMG I'M SO EXCITED. I need money, for real. Been on a shopping wave, and I'm trying to ride it for as long as possible. Been spending a lot of money, yayyy! Need to get going 'cause I have to stop by the ATM now. Then meeting with Mel and Judy, then bowling training with the newer employees. YAYYYY. Okay. I'm out. Bye.

Not to offend you, but... actually, screw that. And screw you! Ahahaha, not really. Maybe. No, it's all good. Just wanted to say that I think you totally downgraded. I don't mean your girlfriend. She's pretty. I mean you, sucka! Okay, so yeah, you seem like you're better of a person and everything, but really...? You downgraded your looks. It kind of looks likes you gained some weight.. just saying. Which is weird because one of the last times we hung out with each other, you were bragging about how you were exercising and eating healthier.

And I remember having a conversation with you about how I would gain weight and let myself go and all that crap when we were over... and I said I'd work out and upgrade. Which I never did, BUT I feel a lot better about myself without you. Certain days I dress nicely, but lately I just go to work so I don't wear nice stuff.

Plus I've been saving money, so I don't buy nice clothes. I did realize I spent way too much money on you though.. I think you were spoiled too much. Not necessarily in money (although I did pay a lot after you said you were running low on money...just saying), but in affection. Wish I could take that back.

“If a girl understands your bullshit, sticks around through all your mistakes, and smiles even though you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper. But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.”

JUST SAYING. Although you realized you didn't deserve me... I kind of wish I realized that, but whatever. Life goes on, and gets better.

Okay, so if you actually read this, I hope you're doing well. Seriously. One or two things reminded me of you recently. Last time I checked on you, you were really happy. I hope you had fun with that Florida trip, and I hope you were able to grow as a person. I hope you and your girlfriend are doing really well. I've been good, if you were wondering. Things have been the same since we last held an awkward small talk conversation, and I'm still working at the same place as I was last summer. My driving is getting better, and I still feel bad about that one time I drove you car.. I really don't mind paying. I hope you realize that. I also want you to know that that night was the first time I was ever so scared for another person. Of course, times have changed since then, but at the time it was. I hope you realize that..

I often wonder how much you regret your decision. Or if you do at all. I wonder if you ever think about me. I don't really think of you, to be honest. You come across my head every once in a while.. but I stopped letting the thought of you linger in my head after the countless times I've cried over you, and I know that if I continue thinking about you, I'd cry again. Although now, I'm alright. No tears will be shed today.

I'm fixing my sleeping pattern. Last time we talked about sleeping, I told you how hard it was for me to sleep. It's not anymore. Now I'm slowly converting into a morning person. And I've been wanting to do that since forever, so I'm extremely happy about that. Sadly, that means I fall asleep very easily. It's typically before 1Am now. And instead of hearing your voice yelling at me before I sleep, I fall asleep to the sweet voice of someone on the other end of the phone or on the other side of my webcam. Which is honestly, amazing.

My family is good. Mom and Dad still reference you sometimes, and my brother kids about you. I used to be bothered by it a lot, but now it's okay. Still bothers me sometimes. Honestly, it was really hard for my mom to accept that we don't talk to each other. That I didn't know what what going on in your life. I think they miss having you over for dinner and talking to you. They really did like you. My parents don't know about my special someone though, if you were wondering. You were introduced too quickly to my family... and you left so suddenly, and you lingering in this household forever that I don't really want to introduce anyone into this family. No matter how serious I am with someone. You kind of traumatized me.. If you're wondering. No, my family doesn't know what happened between us or how our relationship was. Most of my friends still don't know the full story, but most haven't bothered to ask.

I try not to think about you very often. I through out the 6 roses you gave me. It took a while, but I did. Honestly, I didn't do it for me, I did it for him, but I offered. He didn't ask me. It's all surreal. The whole relationship. A part of me forgot that it happened. But then I get flashbacks and glimpses of things you said or how you reacted to certain things, and I remember. I deleted you from my Newsfeed, but I still see your name along the side of my Facebook sometimes.

Sometimes I want to be mad at you, but honestly. I can't because in the end, you helped me. I guess if anything, I'm just disappointed in you.. For "giving up". For treating me the way you did. You said it had to do with my expectations, and yeah, I'm not going to lie, it had a lot to do with that.. but honestly, I just saw your potential, and I guess it sucked that you didn't realize it & didn't embrace it.

Oh well, life goes on. Just another chapter closed.

7/21/11
I FOUND SO MANY DRAFTS ON THIS BLOG.

• Woke up at 11:30 after many attempts to wake up at 9AM and 10AM. I feel bad for my alarms. I'm pretty sure they get tired
• Lunch at Skyline Cafe with the familia. Got a milk tea. I liked their milk tea because it was actually strong! Not that weak Quickly's stuff I'm used to
  
• Went back home, was going to drag people to Ross, but went with Butter instead
• Office Depot! Gosh, love stationary. I only spend $6 though! Graph paper composition book for school. LOVEEEE. Hehehe. And a RED AND WHITE POLKA DOTED card case! Super excited because it's like the lovely Minnie Mouse <3
• Shopped at Ross. Lame because no nice tops. Or shoes. Or bags. Some nice dresses. I really liked the strapless on, but it was too small. And I really liked this white one, but it was sea through. And I really really liked this fitted one, but it was too small on top. :( Bottom fit me perfectly.
• I saw this clutch I wantedddd! $10, but we were already going to leave, so screw that! Ahahaha. Might go pick it up tomorrow. 'cause that will come in handy on Saturday. And all those other times I dress up. With APO I get to dress up more too, heheh :) It's beige. And not black. But still neutral! Gosh. I should stop buying neutral stuff, but I can't help it. Bold colors scare me. But I heart them.
  
• Went to Lucky's, then met Mother at Dollar Tree. Bought more stickers and a vase for my roses, suckaaa
• Love grocery shopping. Proud of myself for not getting chips when they were 4 for $6. Trying to stay healthy, sucka! Wish I could say the same for my family though.
• Got LEMONADE! Super excited to make Passion Tea Lemonade :)
• Then yummy dinner at home. Pork verde, Spanish rice, corn & homemade guacamole and salsa. YUM.
  
• Didn't mind doing dishes. And now I shall clean some more. I can't wait for my room to be de-cluttered and organized and minimalized
  
• Roses don't fit int he vase nicely :( Oh well. I could always just put stars in them. Like all my other jars/vases in my room
  
• And Skype later :)
  

Today's not over yet too, SON! I got all night to... sleep because tomorrow is going to be a very long day.

Laziness + Fashion isn't very good + Unable to pull certain styles off.

I think that's why I just stick with the same neutrals in various colors. easy to put clothes on in the morning (when I'm lazy). I'm jealous of people that look good in everything. I don't really hear what people tell me.. I don't think I look good in all/most clothes. Even if I really like how I look when I first buy something.. the feeling doesn't stay.

I should learn how to dress for my body type because all the clothes I like aren't for people like me.

So I'm kind of awkward on Tumblr now. Like, I'm kind of scared to find more people to follow 'cause I might do the same thing and run into a blog by accident.
Actually. I saw a URL that might have been Kevin's.. but I'm not going to click it. It's too awkward.

Anyways. So I've been cleaning my room for the past like.. week. It's not finished, but I am really happy that it's getting there. And I'm so excited for my closet! I have so many containers and they're getting filled. I have so much art stuff! I'm so excited to use it! I forgot I had a lot of it! Hehehe. This summer is going to be me working, running, and Arts & crafts. Occasionally hang out with people. I do want to drive though.. so I guess I'll have to hang out with people. Probably make it a chill kick-back kind of summer. That's what I do when I try not to spend much money. Oh and read! I'm really excited to re-read all my favorites, and get some new ones.

I'm excited for tomorrow though. :) <3

I want a new haircut.

Something.... different. A few months ago, I wanted long hair. Now I'm re-thinking. I could just donate it again, but short hair scares me. But I do like waves, and the shorter my hair it, the more body/waves it has. Hmm. Dilemma. I do want to cut it in the beginning/middle of summer so I have time to get used to it though. I think.. clothes wise, long hair is probably better because it's more timeless.. and it's not like I'm a very trendy person. HMMMMM. Decisions. Plus last time I had short hair, I absolutely hated it. Then again I didn't give it a chance. But wavy hair! I can't make my hair all wavy if my hair is super short. I could just go medium. can't go wrong with medium. Might as well donate it though, if I'm chopping that much off. BUT OMG. That place where I got it donated scarred me. I hated how they styled my hair. & if I go to my Aunt, she'll play it safe and won't do anything really interesting with my hair. And unless I know what I want, I can't really go to a professional place... boo. And I don't know what my face shape is, so I can't really look at magazines and find a hair cut.

Other than that, desperately need new clothes. I should go shopping tomorrow since it's Memorial Day weekend. Mom said there's a bunch of sales. No money for that though :/

Clothes or hanging out with people...? Decisions, decisions.

One day I'll remember what it's like to get a comment on my blog.

Summer to do list:

• SAVE MONEY
• Drive drive drive drive.
  
• Work
• SWITCH MY MAJOR
  
• Volunteer (Hopefully. Waiting for the email backkk)
• Donate clothes I don't wear
  
• Donate things I don't use
• Exercise & lose weight.
  
• Print pictures from 2005+
• Create stuff. DRAW AND COLOR, heheh. And Scrapbook, sew & knit
• Cook and try out new recipes
• Bake
• Spend everyday doing something or getting out of the house
  
• Read!
• Buy new clothes
• Catch up on Glee!
• Catch up with old friends
• Watch movies. Hehehe
• Visit SJ :)
  

Too lazy to think of more. Pretty chill summer. Probably will stay around the house a lot since I really need to save money. I think I'll just try to reoccupy my time and stay busy a lot.
Also, I really need to get on the exercising because now that I'm at home, I've gotten back in the habit of weighing myself. No bueno, I know.. but still. Also super unhappy with my arms and stomach right now. And the clothes I wear.

PS.

Start of the summer totally SUCKEDDDDDD.

Today I

Went to my room early for a visitor that didn't show up
Took my final
Barely got money back for books
Lost my ID card, Access card, laundry card, and debit card
Ate an Eh, not too happy meal.
Didn't get to spend much time with him
Had to get back before 10 since I didn't have my keys
And no headphones so no video
Looked for more blogs to follow & found a blog dedicated to the love between Kevin and his girlfriend.

Really sucked actually. I read the info, saw some posts and thought it was cute. Debated on following. Scrolled down, and saw a video that didn't show the face and thought it looked like Kevin. Pressed play, and it was him. OF COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPENED TO ME TODAY. I don't get why the heck that they were on my friend's Tumblr. Awkward.


Well this is a great start to my summer.

At least tomorrow (After the morning when I hopefully sort out my lost crap and then spend money replacing everything TWO days before I move out) will be fun. All day and night with him, without school on the mind. :)

Kind of nervous for summer. Going to be away from each other. He said he'll visit once a week. He's going to have summer school. Boo. I'm... going to be lame. Sigh. No, I'm working. Trying to volunteer at the clinic too. After I straighten out my major stuff, I'll figure out my classes and then see if I should take summer school. Need to stay busy and not spend money 'cause I don't have that. Lots of Skype and phone calls though. Finally. Can't do that here with a roommate. I'm going to visit when I can. Parents don't know, so I don't know what I'll tell them. I have names all lined up. Sneaking around is fun though, hehe.

I like my friends separated... is that so bad?

I stopped wondering why I do that.. but as of last week, it's been on my mind a lot. I do it because... I guess it seems like every time I do, I get screwed over in a sense. Person A and person B are my friends. Person C becomes friends with person A and B, and then I just kind of... stop showing up. Because person C creates that bond that I never got/get with person A and B. Instantly.. even though I've tried to a large amount of time. I think part of it is because I spread myself too thin. I have a large number of friends, but a very small number of those that I really hold close to me.

It's sad. Actually.. It's sad because the people that I once held closest to me don't feel there. They never really feel there. Because, as weird as it sounds, and despite what everyone will say, I still don't feel included, and I never really will.

That's just it though.. I never feel included in a group of friends. Even when I invest a lot of time into a group. I never feel a part of it.

But here's the thing.. I get tired of people really easily.. plus I'm always scared people with be annoying or bothered by me and how I behave. I guess I rather just leave before they get sick of me.

I never invest the time into the relationships because I never get it back. I never get that connection.

So is it my fault? It's not a matter of being stubborn. It's a matter of being greedy. I don't want people around me to have what I don't get. What I want. Because honestly, I know tons of people. I have friends, but I never really get close to them. I see most of them as temporary.

I'm sorry for those groups I just disappear from. Is it so wrong to want a personal connection to friends? I want someone I'd actually call at 2AM, not the one that just gets the phone call. Is it wrong to want a mutual friendship where I value the person as much as I get valued? I'm so sick of people telling me how much I've influenced their lives.. or how much I mean to them, but never getting called to do anything.

Maybe I just settle when it comes to friends... that's why I don't have quality. People always say I rather have a few close friends than a lot of friends. I want quality, but I keep getting quantity. Maybe I'm just too impatient to wait to see if an actual good connection evolves. I just leave too quickly. I feel like one of those girls that just skip around relationships all the time because essentially, that's what I do to myself. I leave before I get scarred, and I'm left with a bunch of pictures from a ton of different subgroups that have no idea what goes on in my life.

Or maybe it's because I'm a closed person, and even with the groups that I was around for a few years.. maybe that's why I never opened up to them.. If that's the case, do I have to be around a group for 5+ years before I even make a connection? That doesn't even guarantee a connection.

Part of why I joined APO was to join an organization on campus that I felt a part of. I wanted to feel deeply connected to it, and I wanted to make real connections with the people a part of it. I'm jealous of a lot of people because they have succeeded in that.. but I feel like I still don't have anyone in APO besides my twin. And it sucks because what I was most excited for in APO was getting a big. I know I getting a big isn't a guaranteed match, but I really wanted one. I don't think I would have killed for a good match, but I would have don't a pretty big favor to get one. I wanted a big that understood me, that was there for me. That I could talk to. And honestly, I didn't get any of that. I am so jealous of people with good big little relationships. I'm so jealous of people that have bigs that try. Because honestly, I've tried in my relationship. I tried for longer than most people try.. and I don't have anything to show for it. As mean as it is... I think I've given up. Because nothing is going to change. And before I thought my family in APO was pretty messed up, but it's definitely gotten a lot better. I try in that, and I think it shows. Or maybe it's just because I've gotten closer to some of them. I just with I could say the same for my big. It bothers me though.. it really does. People tell me that I should just pick up, and be a good big to my little. Momma even said Id make a good big.. but I told myself I wanted to fix my big little relationship before I picked up. If that's never going to happen, it doesn't look like I'll ever pick up. It's alright though.. because my line is pretty messed up, and no one should be a part of it. I'm so jealous of people that have lines that actually talk.. I wish I knew people in my line. I wish my line was around. I wish I was able to take a line picture. I wish I was happy with how it is. I'll probably change my mind in the future about picking up.. but honestly, I don't know... I said I wanted just one little.. but if I do pick up, and our relationship is how mine is with my big.. I'd want to pick up again.

I feel like I'm becoming co-dependent.
And I hate myself for that... but I know if I over-think it, we'll both get sad. 'Gotta focus on school.

I feel greedy and controlling.

I'm sitting in the library, in my usual study spot. Kind of strange being alone. So lately, I want things my way, and I get upset when it doesn't go that way. As much as I say it's not fair... it shouldn't matter. I can't control over people's lives, even when it affects mine. I should just get over the fact that people can hang out with whoever they want. I think I need to just accept that fact that soon, my friends that I've tried so hard to keep separated for so long, will mix. When I get out of college, it'll be easy to keep them separated though.. so I guess I look forward to it.Really though... I feel like such a brat.

I also feel uninspired to try in school... I can pass the class if I work hard, but I feel like I shouldn't. It's hard to care. I wish I was more disciplined. I always thought of myself as a bad student.. but he said a bad student doesn't care. I guess I care. I mean... I get my stuff done. I think so many years of being be next to people that complained when they got a B really caught up with me.. even in high school, I was never like those kids. Still haven't found my studying technique yet... after two semesters of trying to figure it out. There's no way I can get a job if I can't even study efficiently.. meaning no money for me, and I'm starting to get dangerously low.

I need money. it's sad... honestly, I can go without a lot of the things I buy.. I remember how I was analyzing how I started becoming materialistic last year. Luckily, I'm not as materialistic, but I really want to get into clothes.. too bad I don't have actual money for that.. I realized that after getting into high school, I buy my own clothes.. I mean like... all my clothes. I buy my own underwear, bras, pants, jackets, tops... but you know what? My mom buys my brother clothes. My silly summer job (Which honestly, barely gives me any money...) is my only real income, besides my birthday, Christmas, and Chinese New Year. Maybe it's because the year I turned 18, I didn't get money. I also didn't really get money when I was 19. And last Christmas, I didn't get money from my relatives because of the economy.. I think that's why it seems like I have no money.. Or it could be the money I spent on Kevin. I honestly thought about it... and I spend way more money than I should have on him.. I don't even know why. I think it's because I felt liek I needed to buy him nice things because he was a more extravagant person. I really need to get a job though... I don't know how many hours I'll get this summer, but once it hits the school year, I need to get a job... really. After RUSH is all over, it's going to be job. Or actually... I'll apply during the summer to see if I can get an easy on-campus job that forces me to study. I need money. I told myself I wouldn't tap into my savings account.. but it seems more and more likely that I will, especially since most of the money I earned is gone. I probably have enough to survive next semester... but the summer..? I don't know.. And I don't know if I'll get money from my parents for food... because honestly, I have too much pride to ask for money. They'll have to give me money. If they don't, I'll be paying for my own food..

I still don't know my major. Thought I had it figured out, but I guess not.. I really want something I'll at least find interesting.. because I know I'm not very motivated in school. I need something I enjoy. But essentially, I do need to support myself and my future family though.. so it seems more and more likely that I'm going to settle with a major and career I won't like, but maybe I'll switch to something I enjoy after I accumulate some money. What I'm looking at right now isn't something I want to study, but I can see myself enjoying the job in the future, and I guess that's what's most important. The bad thing is... there's no variety in the major. Meaning I major in it, and that's my job. There's no fall back option. I guess I could minor in something super general.. but I still want to do something I enjoy..

As much as I know I completely break down when I stress, it still doesn't inspire me to work ahead... even now. I have two big papers and a final on Tuesday.... I'm still not working. What's wrong with me?

I definitely care more about APO than school... I'm thinking of next semester, what I want to do, what I want to accomplish... but I'm not thinking about what classes I need to take. Although I'm doing research.. I'm not spending enough time trying to figure out my major.. not as much as I'd like. What's wrong with me?

I also think I've been emotional lately... not like super emotional, but I've been getting upset at him. I shouldn't though... I'm afraid I'm getting too used to how he treats me. I'm afraid I'm taking it for granted. I want to slap myself in the face... Why don't I realize how lucky I am? Sad part is.. I know how lucky I am, but still... Still I take it for granted. I see the signs, I just need to stop myself.

Whenever there's an argument, I always think it's my fault. It doesn't matter with who. It just always happens.

What's it supposed to be like when someone cares? I don't know how to react. I don't know what to do, and honestly, it bothers me.

I'm sorry I'm so stubborn. I'm sorry I don't know what to do when you're just showing you care. I never had that before.

Too much stuff to do.. I was hopeful, but that didn't really get me anywhere. The Scrapbook is honestly, no where near done, and we don't have many people helping out. I just woke up, it's 10AM, and it's due at... probably Chapter, 630. CRAPPPP. And it's kind of ugly because we don't have the time to fix it or spend time.. He's right... why did I bother? It seems like he's always right, but I'd never actually tell him that to his face.

What sucks about it is that when I was to get something done, or do something for pleasure or for myself, I never end up doing it.. I don't do things for me. What bothered me is that Kevin knew that, and I think he was one of the first people to call me out on that when I wanted to do something.. or he told me I couldn't do something. For little things.. that seemed like whatever, but then for bigger things, it sometimes bothered me. I remember telling him that I think I'm going to end up as a art major, and he said I couldn't handle it. I still think I'm going to end up as an art major.. but I feel like I shouldn't because Kevin told me I can't handle it. Why does that bother me? Now more than ever because one of the majors I'm debating is an art major.. I'm unsure why.

Today is April 10.. Despite all the crap I need to get done.. I still know it's April 10th. I totally didn't think about it until late last night when I was working on the scrapbook. It would have been a year.. I mean, estimated, it was almost a year, but officially, it wasn't. Sailor's Ball was last night. he took her. He seems so happy, I guess that's good. Like I said though, it just hurts that I was replaceable. It's like.. when you're a little kid and your mom says you're special... then growing up to realize that you're not. You're just an insignificant person that's replaced in a heartbeat. I don't know.. it still bothers me that I'm replaceable. I know it's stupid, but I am. It's bothers me how fast he moved on.. I don't know how long normal people wait though. What bothers me most is how much he's said he's learned from me... and if he's learned so much... shouldn't he have taken more time than to rush into things with another person..? I think this is common though. Aren't people supposed to feel pain when an ex gets with someone else? Because then.. it's like it's official.. they moved on. I guess I couldn't help but wish I was different to him.. more than anything, I feel like every one of his ex's... it's so stupid though.. Because when I was with him... I thought I was different than them. I didn't think I'd ever really have anything in common with them... I do now though.

Like I said... Sailor's was yesterday.. kind of sad.. well not really when I think about it. Kevin asked me to be his girlfriend that night. On a boat. By the back. He held me like Titanic, and even offered to take a picture. He was drinking. Not a lot though, he was at his good level (an I'm so thankful for that). The whole night was pretty awkward. I was intimidated by all the sorority girls.. who wouldn't be? I wasn't like the people there.. and I felt extremely out of place. But I was alright because Kevin was with me. I was one of the two or three sober people on the boat that night. So essentially, I didn't belong in that scene. He knew it. I knew it. Everyone knew it... yet I was still there. I remember getting dressed up.. trying to find a dress that's he's approve. A dress that would make me blend in with all the sorority girls. I had my friend do my hair and make up... to make me blend in with the sorority girls. Bernee did my eyebrows the day before. And yet, I still stuck out like a sore thumb. The thing is.. all my prep, all the stress for that ngiht was for him.. not for me. I mean, it makes sense. It was his event.. but still. I guess when I think about it, it was kind of messed up that the day where I didn't look or feel like myself, was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend.. What kind of message is that supposed to send?

And oh my gosh.. I remember this one conversation we had and I asked him what he would think if we broke up.. or something like that, and he said "When at least I was a better girlfriend to you than so-and-so" That would be his mentality when we broke up... really? He tried his best in everything. He's a perfectionist... and yet he didn't try that hard in a relationship? Bothered by that. I don't know.. sometimes I'll just be in class or doing homework.. and I'll think or Kevin and I can't really understand why I did it.. why I stayed so long. Why I didn't say something to him...... I was passive... way too passive. I was. I don't think I am anymore.

I wonder how this year's Sailor's Ball went. I wonder what the bros think about it.. I wonder if they know what happened, from my point of view. Honestly, I know I care too much about what people think... but I can't help it. I wonder what his family thinks. I wonder if they feel bad for me.. if they know what happened. It bothers me that I have no control over what those people think. It also bothers me to say things. So even if I was close to them, they wouldn't know my side of the story.. I feel like I don't tell people what happened, or my thoughts on everything because I don't want them forming their opinions about Kevin. Because I care what they think about him.. Honestly, I don't know if that's because I care for him, or I care what they'll think about me for being with him.

One year... Could you imagine what we would have done today? Hopefully something.. Because honestly, our monthiversaries didn't work out. And that bothered me.. I remember during of them, I kind of brought it up. I said I wanted to celebrate because I knew we wouldn't be together for a long time, so I wanted to celebrate the little time we had together. He agreed.. but still we didn't do much.

1. He forgot.. I was going to make him a card, but I didn't give him the work in progress. There was confusion and we didn't know what date.
2. We went on a picnic and fed ducks
3. Ended up sleeping all day/night
4. Ended up making Candyland a drinking game. I drank redbull.
5. Went grocery shopping. He forgot. I got pinned.
6. Went to Santa Cruz and out for a nice dinner, fell asleep during a movie
7. Didn't see him.. he started his weekend drinking at 12 and I had my scrapbook and final the next day
8. After 12AM, saw him the worst I've seen him.. had to drive him home, messed up his car. The actual day: tried a new restaurant, Quickly's
Unofficial 9. Made him paint pottery with me

I guess when it's written out, it doesn't seem bad.. but in reality.. it was pretty sad. Just thinking about some of these days bring back all the emotions. The anger, disappointment, sadness... and happiness. But still..

Why am I such a silly girl?

Lot's of stuff coming up this week. 'Gotta start taking school seriously again. I had a lazy week, 'gotta step up.. and step my socializing too. As much as I love it, I shouldn't spend all my time with one person.

Another recruitment event coming up this week, and also have that leadership workshop to work on. Need to brainstorm ideas.

Why isn't my phone fixed? Ugh, hate it. My camera is acting fishy too..
I want my room to be clean and not as cluttered... but what do I do with everything? I can't put it anywhere.

My speakers don't go loud enough. I can't drown the thoughts in my head. Quiet whispers growing louder, forever echoing throughout my thoughts.
Too bad I don't feel welcome. I'm not welcome anymore.
I know I shouldn't, but my thoughts still wander to that day, that moment. I should have known better.

Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I'm just... you know what? I know. It's the fact that I was replaceable. I think in the back of my head, I always thought that with Kevin, I was the different one. I wasn't the one treated like sh/t. I guess I just thought I was special. It still bothers me. Gosh, why the heck does it still bother me? I shouldn't be thinking of these things. It bothers me that I was so easily replaced, and he seems so happy. It bothers me that I never made him that happy... or if I ever did, I obviously don't know it.

It's weird though... I guess I didn't realize how hard I am on myself. I always told Kevin he was too hard on himself... but I guess I've kind of become that person. Not to his extreme, of course.. but still.

The word "perfect" though... that's a statement. Even "perfect for me".. that's really big. I don't know. I guess I never heard those words before, and because I see so many imperfections, I guess I just don't know how to take it. People who can't take compliments have low self-esteem. That's me. I can't tell if it's because I was raised to be modest, or because my self-esteem is a lot lower than I thought it was.

It's weird being the one cared for... being loved (openly). It's weird having someone wanting me to go to bed early, who tells me not to stress. Someone who wants me to study, for me to do good in school. It's weird because I've never had that. I've never had this. I'm afraid of taking him from granted. I'm afraid of not giving him the credit he deserves. The attention. The affection. Everything. Because he really does deserve everything. I'm afraid of giving him what I received in the past. Because that's all I know how to do. I don't know how to take this all, and I don't know how to respond.

I think I'm just getting scared, that's all. I'm scared because time is getting invested. Now is that moment where I started to see the mistake last time, but I went with it anyways. Except this time.. I don't feel that mistake. Now, it feels right. He's supportive. He's comforting. He's understanding. He's patient. He's so nice. Selfless. Cute. Lameeee. Serious. He looks our for me. He cares for me. He says I'm "perfect for him". He sees me in his future. I see him in my future. I only feel scared. Scared of the future and what will happen. Scared of facing the future without my partner in crime. Afraid of losing him. What in the world would I do without him?
What if he really isn't there with me?
What if someone happens, and I lose him?
What if I really am just replaceable?
What if I'm not special?
What if someone else makes him happier?
What if I hurt him?
What if....
"What if" is a scary question.

I don't know what to think. I know I should be relieved that the pressure's off, but am I really? I guess not. School is alright, I guess. I have two easy classes to even my harder classes, so I guess I'm not stressed that I just failed a midterm. History's always been a weaker subject of mine though.

That's not what I'm here to address though... I know Kevin's moved on. and honestly, I'm not here miserable and crying. I feel like I should be relieved, but I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. I just kind of... know. And I just kind of... yeah.

She's pretty, that's for sure. She has nice hair, and she does her makeup well. She dresses well. She presents herself well. I guess it still bothers me that that's not me, it was never me no matter how hard I tried.

He's happy though.. isn't that what's important? Lately I've been wanting to talk to him and hang out with him, just a friends. I guess I've been stopping myself.. not necessarily for me though. I think I can handle it.

I often wonder how much time he talks to her. I guess I just try to imagine because we were so different. We started out being around each other all the time. We were always with each other, we did everything together, and I still had my own line. Now... what does he do? Constantly stay on his phone? It's long-distance, technically. He said he'd never do that. I think about all the time we spent together... and I wonder, would he have done that to me? Was I even worth it to him?

I guess what bothers me most is that he mentioned her before I mentioned anyone. Like.. he wouldn't have told me if I didn't mention that I had a person. My person is different though... so completely different.

I can't help but wonder about him.. what he's been up to, how he's been doing. I run into people that are involved in his life all the time, and I wonder what they thing when they see me. I think I'm scared to see how he spins the story of what happened.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. I care too much. Even now, even though it's a fraction of what it was before.

Do you know what bothers me? He hung out with a mutual friend of ours. Yes, I haven't talked to seen that person in forever, so I guess she's really his friend. But still... it bothered me because he uses hearts when he talks to her. Hearts. You have no idea how much that bothers me. I was with him for how freakin' long, and do you know how many hearts I've received from him? One. And that was because I did something huge for him that he was hecka stressed about and... ugh. I took the blame. Horrible, horrible.

What bothers me if when I read stuff he writes, and he'll used words like adorable and pretty and... I don't even know! What the heck... I never got those words. I never got any of that. I guess ultimately, it still bothers me. I know it shouldn't, but it still does.

I guess I still think he doesn't care. He didn't care. I still think he didn't appreciate me. I still think I was never good enough. He probably doesn't think about dating me again int he future. Honestly, now I don't.. but it hurts that he thinks that because he sounded so genuine when he said that to me. I believed him. But now... he's falling for his one girl... and what sucks is knowing that I'll never know what he thought about me when he was with me. I'll never know if he was crazy about me. Sure, I know I was different than his past relationships, but I'll still never know if I was good enough.

I'm weak, I guess. I need reassurance, and I never got it from him, and I'll never get it.

The pain in your voice, I knew the look on your face. The spaces of silence filled the air, more powerful than the expected words. My voice, straining to stay composed, broke down after only so much. I avoided your eyes- those shadowed by the darkness but still pierced me. Completely exposed. Tears trickled down my cheeks, uncontrollable.
Begging. Pleading. Please. For me?

With him, I use the word "Forever". I don't use it all the time, but I do realize I let it slip when I'm not over-thinking things. I find him using the word "Always". Words really mean a lot to me, and I take them seriously, and it scares me that I would even use a word so permanent. He knows he's the only person I see as permanent.. but I'm still scared of those words. I'm scared of saying anything like that... but I trust him. I trust him completely... as much as I'm scared.

I realized that everything I call him around people... is weird because I'm so used to calling him by our nicknames. Tonight I realized that he cares about me more than I care about myself. He tries to take care of me. I should listen more. What the heck.. we got called out by a someone, and he was saying that we should date and that we'd make a good husband and wife. That was awkward.

I wish more than anything I was able to have the title. I wish I didn't have this baggage. Because I know it's me holding it back. But it's alright. I trust him. We have plenty of time for a title in the future. I wish I was able to tell him I love him. He says it doesn't bother him that I don't say it... but I feel like it would bother me. But just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't care. I care so much. I think so highly of him. But you know what..? At least I know I'll be sure. At least I know I'll mean it. At least he'll know. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

I did notice that I really did throw myself into AphiO. Kind of hate myself for that. I feel like that's all I talk about.. Maybe because of the whole everyone getting their littles.. I kind of wanted a little, but I didn't think I was ready to pick up this semester, and I was talking to DK, and he was saying how a lot of Big-little relationships where the big picked up right after they crossed didn't work out. I didn't really notice until he said that, but I agree.

I don't know when I'll be ready, honestly. I feel like I don't have enough life experience, plus right now, I feel like I don't have enough money. I hecka plan on spoiling my little. I don't know.. I think I'm just scared of ended up with a bad Big-Little relationship. At first I planned on only getting one little... but then I thought about it.. and I don't know.. what if my little is never around? Or disappears? Or something happens. Yeah, I'd always be their Big, but then I'd might want another little. Just a thought.

I think I'm a little happier about my family now.. after BSR and everything.. just because now I'm getting closer to some of them. I know I still don't know anyone, but it makes me happy that I'm making some (ANY) progress.

Sherman and I were talking about how all the families tend to have people with the same personality because Bigs & littles are matched up like that.. I definitely agree, and I really think that's why I don't get along with a lot of my family... then again, I don't know why Twin and I are matched with Big. I don't think I ever will... and I think it kind of bothers me. It really did bother me that the Mamas didn't know Twin and I were close before we even got twinned. Seriously. Did they not know me at all?

I guess what really sucks is that.. like I said the one thing I was really really really excited about for AphiO was getting a Big, and it really didn't work out the way I wanted it to.. I'm still working on it though.. and honestly, I want a good Big Little relationship with my Big before I pick up.. at the same time.. I know I'm a student, and it's only going to get harder the longer I wait.. Then again, I could be a line-killer. Because essentially, our line is pretty messed up.

I need to stop talking about AphiO. It's sickening.

I don't think I should be left alone because my thoughts are taking over. To be honest, I didn't go to HIST class because I knew I'd be miserable and trapped in my thoughts. I didn't realize that any time I'm alone would do that for me.. even in the library when I'm trying to study for midterms.

As much as I want to cut down my social life, I don't think I can afford to. 'Gotta keep busy, I guess. Shouldn't be a problem though. Interview Friday.

I don't know how long it'll take for me to stop being awkward around Kevin.. I wish I knew. Oh the other hand, I think I realized yesterday how much baggage I really do hold. I knew the whole Kevin thing would mean a lot to me.. but honestly. This is way more than I thought. I'm kind of overwhelmed. At least at this time.

What breaks my heart is knowing that I'm hurting him when I think about Kevin. Or when I talk about Kevin. I care about him too much to do that, and I already know how scared we both are. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to scare him. I'm sorry I have so much baggage. I didn't realize how heavy it was until recently.

He's amazing though... I don't know any guys that would stick with someone if they're not over their ex, or if they reference him or all that stuff... Really though? I don't know anyone that would do that. For that, I'm lucky. for that, I'm so extremely grateful that it's not even funny.

I can't stop my thoughts, but I can try to focus on my future, and who will be better for me ultimately. He's amazing. You're amazing, and I heart you.

If you're wondering why exactly I was so cold to you when we went out to eat.. it's because I could see it in your eyes that you weren't over me.

I forget if I mentioned this is my blog before... but I think part of what hurt most after Kevin and I broke up is realizing that I didn't even know the last time we kissed. Isn't that sad? Actually... I take that back. We kissed once. It was the day before we broke up.. it was a peck int he kitchen of his cousin's house. He was drinking... so he didn't even remember. Isn't that sad? The last kiss when we were actually together.. he doesn't remember. The day we broke up, he was lightweight mad. He drove to Alameda even though he was pretty much hung over, and there was tension because 1. I couldn't get the car and 2. My parents wouldn't let me drive there. We broke up that night in a park after eating at Denny's. The day before we were at his cousin's house. He was drinking, and I was alone in a room watching movies. His cousin's friend drove me home. He doesn't even remember me leaving. The day before that, we were in San Jose.. and his plans got canceled so he was mad, and we went back home to a day early because of his plans. I went home early because he was my ride. We were both had at each other.. the ride home was pretty much silent. I wanted to be dropped off at home-home, but we just agreed to sleep over that night at his house. I remember going to sleep sad. The days before that tend to be a blur, but the weeks before that.. I only remember helping him work on his photo project.. that's all I remember. I remember going to the mall to help him. I remember feeling cold and sad when we didn't hold hands there. I remember laying on the cold ground for his pictures. I remember taking a break from a huge paper I was writing just to help him for his project... I often wonder if that was the right decision for me.. should I have helped him with his project? I think I've mentioned this before, but at the end of the relationship.. I don't really remember doing anything together...

I think about our last month-anniversary thing.. 12/10/10 and I try to figure out what we did... the night before was the worst I'd ever seen him... I left my friends to walk over and meet him... He was in the bathroom, and he threw up in the tub. It was really gross.. I had to get the car to take him home. I was not about to spend another night in that house. I messed up his car in the process, and I honestly really hate myself for that... but we got him in his bed, and from there I was just... scared. I was never so scared for someone in my life. My phone was dead.. and I fell asleep holding him, still in my jeans. Afraid he wouldn't wake up the next morning.. The next morning was our monthiversary. We slept in.. didn't do much. At a late luch at a new restaurant. Which was kind of a disappointment. Went to Quickly's, then he went to a study group thing, and I went bowling. Met up with him after. We ate pho, then went to bed.

The next morning I remember he got mad at me. I got there free movie tickets to watch Yogi Bear, and we used them, but it was in the morning. He was angry that I had trouble waking up in the morning and that when we got to the theater, the line was really long, so he thought that we wouldn't make it in. We did though, and we got seats. I remember he bought me popcorn, and he got an Icee. The movie was good, and after we watched Love and Other Drugs, which was a really good movie. It's the first time I watched a chick flick while holdings hands. After we went back to his place, and he had work, so I went back to my room. Studied a little for my final on that Monday. We made cupcakes after. Every time we make cupcakes, I realize how much of a perfectionist he is.. and I spent the rest of the weekend with him. I went to the library Sunday afternoon, and pulled an all-nighter for my final.

I guess I remember a lot of times like that.. where I'd anger him. I remember a lot of times where I'd do things for him and sacrifice things for me. He did thank me for helping him with his photo project though.. I remember that thank you because it was written on the card he gave me for Christmas.

Lately I've just been thinking of him. I said before, I'm as over it as I can be... but like I said, he was my first boyfriend, and moments where I reminisce and get sad are bound to happen... it's not because there's feelings. It helps being able to talk about this though... even if it is to a blog that no one comments so I don't have actual proof people read this.

The last few days have been sad and full of self-reflecting.. and I think that's fairly shown through my blog. You know what though? How did I ever get so lucky? Yeah, I'm getting sick because of him, but I don't really mind.. even if I have midterms this week. Yuck.
I started today super sad/bitter, but I went back to my room happy. He makes me happy, and I really often wonder what he sees in me. He obviously sees something in me that I'm unaware of.

I hate that I don't know if I'm doing what I'm doing just to spite him. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if part of me was..

RECRUITMENT CHAIR is a position I wanted for a few reasons. First off, I wanted to step up in the Chapter, but I've always been scared to. Also, there's a lot of things wrong with the Chapter that I want to fix.. but the only way we can start to fix them if through the new members. Lastly, I wanted to be Recruitment Chair because ultimately, I really really want to be Rush Chair for next semester, so I feel like this will help me. But after some thinking... did I just take it on to spite Kevin? He took on like, 3 positions or whatever for his fraternity. He said it was to stay busy.. but I don't know. I guess part of me wants to throw myself into APO because originally he disagreed with it. He didn't want me to do it. He didn't think I could handle it. I think that was part of reason for me to cross. Because I thought about De-pledging so many times.. I even thought about it at the end. Twin is ultimately the person I have to thank that I crossed though.
Sometimes I think about those sleepless nights I stayed up thinking about APO. I think about all the all-nighters I pulled. I think about everything I stressed over, and I often ask myself if it was worth it. Of course I tell the pledges and everyone that it was definitely worth it.. but I'm not so sure. Why have I taken on all this additional stress when ultimately, I could have avoided it all? It's not like I get a thanks or anything. Sure, I can put it on my resume, and it'll make me look good, but honestly? Honestly, I like doing service, but I don't LOVE it. I don't LOVE leadership. I don't LOVE friendship. I said I liked the people in APO, but in all actuality, Twin is the only person I'm really really close to. I guess I still don't feel welcome. Maybe that's why I usually avoid the tables, and make up excuses not to go. Maybe that's why I'll cancel on hanging out with APO people to hang out other friends. Maybe that's why I was so extremely hesitant to go on the Snow Trip. Honestly, I think I wanted to go on the Snow Trip to see if my parents would say yes after they already said no. To somehow spite Kevin because I knew it would be a trip that would make me get over the break up. It worked though..

MY SOCIAL LIFE has gotten too busy for me to handle. I think I'm going to cut myself off for a while.. because I'm kind of getting tired of seeing people. I guess part of me is trying to stay busy so I don't end up sitting in my room typing something like this, or filling my brain with negative thoughts. Or sitting here wondering if not talking to Kevin is a good chose. Yeah, those times don't come that often, but they still come.

I've been trying to get a JOB lately. Okay, rephrase. There's there's want job I want, but it's a 20-30 hour commitment a week, and I filled out the application, made a resume and everything, and had every intention of applying. When I dropped by the place yesterday, they were closed, and I called the manage, but didn't get a call back. I just emailed my friend about working at a preschool,s o hopefully that works out, but that commute on bus is going to suck. I guess I just need money, because I'm scared of running out. It's not like I need it now.. but it would be nice. So I was thinking though.. what if I just want a job so I can spite Kevin? That I can take on a lot of different things, and still be a great person in APO, still have a social life, and still go to school and get good grades?

SCHOOL had been alright. Been lagging, honestly. I feel like I haven't learned anything, and it's not very fun. I hate all my classes except for Acting. EDCO 4 is really boring, and I don't pay attention at all in HIST. ENGL is alright... I get all the concepts, but when it comes to actually using the theories, I'm hecka lost. GEOL 4L is hecka easy though. I feel like I need to focus on school... Kevin gets good grades.. so why can't I? He saw how bad I did before, so wouldn't getting a hecka high GPA be a good way of spiting him? I guess I need some kind of competition.

As far a LOVE LIFE goes.. well that's something else.

I don't even know what I trying to say anymore... I'm second-guessing everything I do. Why am I even in college?

I wonder if he reads my blog. I wonder if Kevin reads my blog. Sometimes I even wonder if Eric reads my blog. I guess I'm just curious who reads this. Kevin told me once he read it, so sometimes I wonder if he remembered the link and found it.

So I'm scared of hanging out with Kevin because I'm scared I'll start to like him again. he seems happy, so good for him. I'm happy so, so I guess we're even in some way. I can't help but remember what I used to think when I was with him. I thought I was different. I thought I was the one that got through to him, the one that would be there, and he would be different too.

I don't know if that ever happened though.

Another person has never had me so happy, I'm so serious. It scares me how I think of who we are exactly because honestly, there's no title, but I don't really feel a need for a title. It's weird though.. I see a future with him. He's really the only person I don't see as temporary... and I've never felt that before.

Today I thought about getting a pet together. Nothing like a dog.. that's a really big commitment. I was thinking something more permanent than a fish. Maybe a hermit crab. Or an amphibian, but he doesn't like those. I don't know.. it's just an idea, but I like it and he likes it. I find it strange how similar some of our views are, but it's really nice. He likes modern houses, and I do too, but I'd never want to actual live in one, but we do have similar taste when it comes to interior design. It's nice that he appreciates Crate & Barrel as much as me. I like how Nameless Bear and Ken make up our very own happy family. I like how I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, how he accepts me for me.

We watched Just Go With It, and it was really cute. I really liked it. & more than anything, watching a movie with him was unlike any other experience. I think subconsciously I wasn't enthusiastic about watching movies with him because that's what Kevin and I used to always do, but this was so much more different. It was... better than anything I imagined. I found myself turning to look at him a lot. Sometimes he'd be watching the movie, but other times, we was looking at me. We kissed, and looked into each other eyes, and... oh my gosh, I swear people probably hated us for that, but honestly, I didn't even care because he makes me so happy. So before the movie began, I went to the bathroom, and supposedly on the way back, I had the biggest smile on my face. I didn't even notice until he said something, but I guess I was just so excited to with with him after that short amount of time. Hehe. And we had a cooking contest where we didn't really cook, and I most definitely won. And I like how he always asks if I'm thirsty, or ask if I'm tired. He's so considerate. I like how he kisses me on the cheek, I know it's kind of elementary, but it's so adorable, and it's so genuine. I love it. I like how I still get super embarrassed, and more than anything, I really like him. A lot.

I really like holding his hand. I feel like it comes so natural. When I was with Kevin, I always grabbed his hand. I usually had to think about grabbing it. Kevin and I didn't hold hands much. I thought about that today, and I realized that it was because of this one moment. We were walking from his house to campus, and I grabbed his hand, and I remember he just kind of let go/lightweight threw it away and said it was too hot to hold hands. At the time, I guess I just agreed, and I never said anything, but I guess I was just kind of timid about holding hands after that. It's weird how I remember a lot of moments like that.. where I felt like I did something wrong even though I didn't really do anything.

Amazing.

"You look nice today"

It's funny how something so simple can.. make me go crazy. That's all he said. That's all he really had to say. I'm not saying that I'm into Kevin again. I've thought about it actually, and I'm as over it as I can get because essentially, the first if always going to sting. It's always going to be in my mind. I thought about Eric so much after.. and to be honest, we didn't even really talk, so just imagine how it's going to be with Kevin.

We had dinner yesterday. I haven't really talked to him since before Snow Trip. He's IMed me or texted me a few times, and he sent me this message on Facebook that I responded to. That message on Facebook was heavy stuff, and even though at the time I was really happy with my life, it was just really heavy. I felt like the message had a hold on me, like it meant so much more than I actually thought it did. I stopped responding to what he told me in that message.

Even though I was extremely into Kevin.. it wasn't good for me, and I know that. My confidence went down. I lost my self-esteem. I worried about how I looked constantly. I felt like I was never good enough. I felt unattractive. I constantly compared myself to other people. I changed my schedule, did everything I could for him. I bent over backwards to make him happy. And you know what? During most of the relationship.. I felt like he didn't care. And I told him that towards the end. I told him in October, and that's the first time he saw me cry.. it hurts when I think about that moment. I think about how he looked, and I remember his face. His eyes. How concerned that he felt that way.. I remember that one Saturday night when I went over... so hurt by what he told him.. only to find myself crying and holding onto him so tight. I remember going to the bathroom and locking myself in.. him knocking on the door asking me to talk to him. I remember crying on the bed. I remember wanting to sleep so badly.

As much as I remember the positive things about the relationship, there were really big negatives, and essentially... I didn't deserve that. I deserve better. Kevin knew that, and I didn't. I think at the time, my esteem was so low that I didn't believe that.

I see all the changed that Kevin's made in the little contact that we've had. I really think he's changed, and I'm really happy for him. I hope he finds someone for him, and more importantly, I hope he treats her right.

After being in a relationship, I often wonder a lot about other people's relationships.. who do I know out there that was like me? Let's be honest, I wasn't in a very good relationship, but no one around me knew that.. no one ever knew that until I told them I wasn't treated very well after we broke up. I'm sure there are people out there that are just like me.


I still find myself doing habits that I developed when I was with Kevin. None of them good. I worry about clothes I wear a lot, even though I don't wear very impressive things. I talk down about myself, and I don't give myself the credit I deserve. My thoughts criticize everything I do, and I tell myself that it's not good enough. I tell myself I need to do things.. sometimes not because I want to.. but because in some indirect way, it will spite him.

A low self-esteem and a lack of confidence is something I find extremely unattractive.... and the only person I've shared most of my insecurities with still likes me.. still loves me. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. What I do know is that I'm not sick of him. I love being around him. I can tell him, and pretty much tell him anything. He can see me seriously, which is ultimately a huge thing. I care about him, and this time it's mutual.

(I wrote in a private entry that Kevin makes me feel amazing. Honestly, when I think back on it, he didn't make me feel amazing. I wanted him to make me feel amazing. I told myself he made me feel amazing.)

THIS GUY, on the other hand, makes me feel so amazing. He's amazing, and he doesn't realize how lucky I am. Seriously, I'm so insanely lucky. He says I'm the lucky one.. but he doesn't see what I see.

What's it mean to really love another person? I'm not one to toss around that term, but I lately, I've been wanting to say it. I feel a need to say it. Honestly, it bothers me that I don't allow myself to say it.

Two friends have heard the way I talk about him. They both say it sounds like I'm in love.. Honestly, I'm not trying to prove them wrong.

He's just so... amazing. He makes me feel amazing. He tells me I'm beautiful, and honestly, I never thought a word could mean so much. I trust him, and honestly, that's so hard for me. I trust him completely, and we make promises. Not just any promises, but pinky promises. The ones that mean most to me. He accepts me. He talks to me. I talk to him. I'm so comfortable around him, physically and emotionally.. but also psychologically. We hold similar views on topics. He appreciates me. I appreciate him. He cares for me. I care for him. I'm scared out of my mind about losing him, and so is he. I've told him things I've never said aloud. He's so lame and dorky, but it goes so well with me. I can be myself. I don't need to tone down any part of him. More than anything.. I want to take him home to my parents. I want to take him home to my friends. I want people to see him, see how he treat me, and I want everyone to know how lucky I am to ever have anyone like this. He's says he's the lucky one, but honestly.. I'm so insanely lucky.

2/21/11

Do you ever avoid watching a movie because a person says they want to watch it with you? I always do that. Always. So yes, I reserve movies for people. What happens when the person you wanted to watch the movie with watches it with someone else?

Confession 21

Confession.
When Kevin first broke up with me, I didn't feel like crying. I just sat there and looked at the ground. It wasn't until he thought I was crying until I actually felt like crying. He rubbed my back, and reassured me that it was alright. I didn't start crying until I started talking about how everything would remind me of him. How I couldn't imagine not being together. How he could go hook up with whoever. How he could find someone that would being physically perfect. How he could do whatever he wanted without me holding him back.

I think I'm okay now. I haven't seen him or talked to him in a pretty long while, and I feel alright. I went on a Snow Trip, and it was really unforgettable. Not in the way everyone else is saying though. It was different for me. I care. Too much. I took care of a lot of drunk people when everyone told me it wasn't necessary.

I made a decision before going on the Snow Trip to not see Kevin. At least for a long while. When I skyped with Erik the second time, I think I got that epiphany on how I was really hurting myself while seeing him. Also, I remember how Sam told me about her trips, and how they were helpful to her getting over someone. She's right. I feel fine now, honestly. Although I am confused at where I stand right now, I'm alright.

He just texted me now though, and I feel kind of nervous. I feel cold. I'm afraid of going back on everything I just typed.

Never ever.

Confession 20: I've never heard those words before. Never. When the heck did this happen? When did life become this complicated? I don't even know where to begin.

I'm such a closed person, but why? WHY.
Why do I trust you completely? Why did I choose you? Why do I hate telling people things, but I'm willing to tell you anything. Why am I naturally close to you (physically & emotionally)?Why does my day feel incomplete without talking to you? Why are we able to do absolutely nothing together, and be content? Why did I tell you that story? The only person I've ever told. Why do you treat me so well? Why is it so weird? Why is it so wrong?

You've been around for a while, and I've brushed it off for so long. It's not like this was a surprise. Why in the world did I ask? I've asked before. What made it different? Is it because I knew you would tell me? You tell me everything. I feel like I can tell you everything. Or is it because I thought so, but I still couldn't believe it. Or maybe it's because I need some kind of verification. It's because I told you that confession. That story. That truth.

Everything you're telling me is everything I imagined. You're everything I imagined, and it scares me. I've only seen one negative glance of you, and that is nothing. I've never gotten upset at you. There's no negative things about you. I feel like you're my best friend, even though I don't use that term. This is all so foreign to me. You do everything he didn't. You do everything I wish he did or I wanted from him. You do it without trying. You don't even know. I never told you.

It's so fast, too fast. Why does everything seem to go so fast for me? This is at a completely different level than last time.

You make me feel good about myself. Am I just feeding off of what you tell me? Are these really feelings? You say such nice things.

I should be going through a breakup, not falling for someone else.

I'm afraid of hurting you. I trust you. I do not believe that you would ever hurt me (on purpose). I feel like I'd be the one hurting you, and I would never want to do that. I care about you too much to hurt you.

I'm afraid of this being a rebound.
I'm afraid know this is going too fast.
I'm afraid that I might be right.
I'm afraid that I might be wrong.
I'm afraid of what people will think.
I'm afraid of making people think they're right.
I'm afraid to talk to someone about this.
I'm afraid of why it feels so right, so natural.

Is it wrong that I can imagine myself with you in the future, but I've never thought about it with anyone else. I knew that I wouldn't marry Kevin, but it's different with you. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do if we didn't talk to each other anymore. It's not like Eric. It's not like anyone else. I can joke with you, but I've also had many serious conversations with you. I feel like you're such a support for me. I feel the need to tell you important things first. I don't know what this is.

I'm scared out of my mind.

Some nights are easier than others. Tonight's just not one of them.

EDIT. Thanks for being here for me. You didn't even know, but you were there, as usual. You're amazing.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about Eric, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't think about me. I often wonder what would have happened if it ended differently. What if we actually said goodbye?What if he was actually my first boyfriend. Explain the situation to anyone, and they'll probably tell me that he was, but I still refuse to believe that. We didn't have the title, and we definitely didn't have the intimacy. The closest I got to him were those picture poses. I wonder what exactly happened in the end. If I could go back, I'd try harder. I'd talk to him more, and differently. I wouldn't have worried about what people said, I would have cherished him and showed him to everyone. I would have disregarded the "ratio rules" that my friends told me, and hung out with him as much as I possibly could. I'd let him know how much he meant to me at the time. Back then, I didn't realize how special he was to me, and for sure he didn't know how much me meant to me. It's weird though, because honestly, we didn't hang out very much or see each other that much, and all of our talking was over the computer. I wish I had texting back then. We talked everyday for a few hours for about ten months. Technically speaking, that was a 10 month-long relationship.

Could Have Been Number Five

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about him. I replayed every moment I could remember from the night before. I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I felt like with everything circulating, I shouldn't talk to him. I realized I should just stay busy. I know it's an obvious answer, but it's honestly so much harder than it sounds. I need to help myself before I can help others (That's what he always told me/still tells me). I Skyped with my friend for 5+ hours. It helped a lot, actually. I feel like as much as it's going to hurt, I really should stop seeing him until at least Winter Break is over, then we can DTR before the semester starts. I knocked out at 630AM.

Today felt weird- different. He texted me this morning, I felt like he was making conversation about nothing, which is usually what I do when I just want to talk to him, so I assumed he missed me. He said it was a nice day, and that we should get something to eat. I basically stalled until he took it as a no. After he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow. I wasn't finished fully making up my mind about not seeing him, plus I didn't have a reason not to go, so I agreed. We're having breakfast tomorrow, and we'll see what happens from there.

After we stopped talking in the morning (Actually early afternoon 'cause I slept in), we didn't talk all day, which is odd, but the weirdest thing is that I didn't feel a need to talk to him. Sure I thought about him, but no more than I did during the normal relationship, which is a significant difference. I'm not sure if this means I'm getting over it or I'm accepting it.

Here's the thing: He intends to date me again in the future, but it's not guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed. Honestly, that's the hardest part. I don't know if I should try to move on, or hold onto all the reasons why I love him.