Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I'm just... you know what? I know. It's the fact that I was replaceable. I think in the back of my head, I always thought that with Kevin, I was the different one. I wasn't the one treated like sh/t. I guess I just thought I was special. It still bothers me. Gosh, why the heck does it still bother me? I shouldn't be thinking of these things. It bothers me that I was so easily replaced, and he seems so happy. It bothers me that I never made him that happy... or if I ever did, I obviously don't know it.

It's weird though... I guess I didn't realize how hard I am on myself. I always told Kevin he was too hard on himself... but I guess I've kind of become that person. Not to his extreme, of course.. but still.

The word "perfect" though... that's a statement. Even "perfect for me".. that's really big. I don't know. I guess I never heard those words before, and because I see so many imperfections, I guess I just don't know how to take it. People who can't take compliments have low self-esteem. That's me. I can't tell if it's because I was raised to be modest, or because my self-esteem is a lot lower than I thought it was.

It's weird being the one cared for... being loved (openly). It's weird having someone wanting me to go to bed early, who tells me not to stress. Someone who wants me to study, for me to do good in school. It's weird because I've never had that. I've never had this. I'm afraid of taking him from granted. I'm afraid of not giving him the credit he deserves. The attention. The affection. Everything. Because he really does deserve everything. I'm afraid of giving him what I received in the past. Because that's all I know how to do. I don't know how to take this all, and I don't know how to respond.

I think I'm just getting scared, that's all. I'm scared because time is getting invested. Now is that moment where I started to see the mistake last time, but I went with it anyways. Except this time.. I don't feel that mistake. Now, it feels right. He's supportive. He's comforting. He's understanding. He's patient. He's so nice. Selfless. Cute. Lameeee. Serious. He looks our for me. He cares for me. He says I'm "perfect for him". He sees me in his future. I see him in my future. I only feel scared. Scared of the future and what will happen. Scared of facing the future without my partner in crime. Afraid of losing him. What in the world would I do without him?
What if he really isn't there with me?
What if someone happens, and I lose him?
What if I really am just replaceable?
What if I'm not special?
What if someone else makes him happier?
What if I hurt him?
What if....
"What if" is a scary question.