I like my friends separated... is that so bad?

I stopped wondering why I do that.. but as of last week, it's been on my mind a lot. I do it because... I guess it seems like every time I do, I get screwed over in a sense. Person A and person B are my friends. Person C becomes friends with person A and B, and then I just kind of... stop showing up. Because person C creates that bond that I never got/get with person A and B. Instantly.. even though I've tried to a large amount of time. I think part of it is because I spread myself too thin. I have a large number of friends, but a very small number of those that I really hold close to me.

It's sad. Actually.. It's sad because the people that I once held closest to me don't feel there. They never really feel there. Because, as weird as it sounds, and despite what everyone will say, I still don't feel included, and I never really will.

That's just it though.. I never feel included in a group of friends. Even when I invest a lot of time into a group. I never feel a part of it.

But here's the thing.. I get tired of people really easily.. plus I'm always scared people with be annoying or bothered by me and how I behave. I guess I rather just leave before they get sick of me.

I never invest the time into the relationships because I never get it back. I never get that connection.

So is it my fault? It's not a matter of being stubborn. It's a matter of being greedy. I don't want people around me to have what I don't get. What I want. Because honestly, I know tons of people. I have friends, but I never really get close to them. I see most of them as temporary.

I'm sorry for those groups I just disappear from. Is it so wrong to want a personal connection to friends? I want someone I'd actually call at 2AM, not the one that just gets the phone call. Is it wrong to want a mutual friendship where I value the person as much as I get valued? I'm so sick of people telling me how much I've influenced their lives.. or how much I mean to them, but never getting called to do anything.

Maybe I just settle when it comes to friends... that's why I don't have quality. People always say I rather have a few close friends than a lot of friends. I want quality, but I keep getting quantity. Maybe I'm just too impatient to wait to see if an actual good connection evolves. I just leave too quickly. I feel like one of those girls that just skip around relationships all the time because essentially, that's what I do to myself. I leave before I get scarred, and I'm left with a bunch of pictures from a ton of different subgroups that have no idea what goes on in my life.

Or maybe it's because I'm a closed person, and even with the groups that I was around for a few years.. maybe that's why I never opened up to them.. If that's the case, do I have to be around a group for 5+ years before I even make a connection? That doesn't even guarantee a connection.

Part of why I joined APO was to join an organization on campus that I felt a part of. I wanted to feel deeply connected to it, and I wanted to make real connections with the people a part of it. I'm jealous of a lot of people because they have succeeded in that.. but I feel like I still don't have anyone in APO besides my twin. And it sucks because what I was most excited for in APO was getting a big. I know I getting a big isn't a guaranteed match, but I really wanted one. I don't think I would have killed for a good match, but I would have don't a pretty big favor to get one. I wanted a big that understood me, that was there for me. That I could talk to. And honestly, I didn't get any of that. I am so jealous of people with good big little relationships. I'm so jealous of people that have bigs that try. Because honestly, I've tried in my relationship. I tried for longer than most people try.. and I don't have anything to show for it. As mean as it is... I think I've given up. Because nothing is going to change. And before I thought my family in APO was pretty messed up, but it's definitely gotten a lot better. I try in that, and I think it shows. Or maybe it's just because I've gotten closer to some of them. I just with I could say the same for my big. It bothers me though.. it really does. People tell me that I should just pick up, and be a good big to my little. Momma even said Id make a good big.. but I told myself I wanted to fix my big little relationship before I picked up. If that's never going to happen, it doesn't look like I'll ever pick up. It's alright though.. because my line is pretty messed up, and no one should be a part of it. I'm so jealous of people that have lines that actually talk.. I wish I knew people in my line. I wish my line was around. I wish I was able to take a line picture. I wish I was happy with how it is. I'll probably change my mind in the future about picking up.. but honestly, I don't know... I said I wanted just one little.. but if I do pick up, and our relationship is how mine is with my big.. I'd want to pick up again.