I forget if I mentioned this is my blog before... but I think part of what hurt most after Kevin and I broke up is realizing that I didn't even know the last time we kissed. Isn't that sad? Actually... I take that back. We kissed once. It was the day before we broke up.. it was a peck int he kitchen of his cousin's house. He was drinking... so he didn't even remember. Isn't that sad? The last kiss when we were actually together.. he doesn't remember. The day we broke up, he was lightweight mad. He drove to Alameda even though he was pretty much hung over, and there was tension because 1. I couldn't get the car and 2. My parents wouldn't let me drive there. We broke up that night in a park after eating at Denny's. The day before we were at his cousin's house. He was drinking, and I was alone in a room watching movies. His cousin's friend drove me home. He doesn't even remember me leaving. The day before that, we were in San Jose.. and his plans got canceled so he was mad, and we went back home to a day early because of his plans. I went home early because he was my ride. We were both had at each other.. the ride home was pretty much silent. I wanted to be dropped off at home-home, but we just agreed to sleep over that night at his house. I remember going to sleep sad. The days before that tend to be a blur, but the weeks before that.. I only remember helping him work on his photo project.. that's all I remember. I remember going to the mall to help him. I remember feeling cold and sad when we didn't hold hands there. I remember laying on the cold ground for his pictures. I remember taking a break from a huge paper I was writing just to help him for his project... I often wonder if that was the right decision for me.. should I have helped him with his project? I think I've mentioned this before, but at the end of the relationship.. I don't really remember doing anything together...

I think about our last month-anniversary thing.. 12/10/10 and I try to figure out what we did... the night before was the worst I'd ever seen him... I left my friends to walk over and meet him... He was in the bathroom, and he threw up in the tub. It was really gross.. I had to get the car to take him home. I was not about to spend another night in that house. I messed up his car in the process, and I honestly really hate myself for that... but we got him in his bed, and from there I was just... scared. I was never so scared for someone in my life. My phone was dead.. and I fell asleep holding him, still in my jeans. Afraid he wouldn't wake up the next morning.. The next morning was our monthiversary. We slept in.. didn't do much. At a late luch at a new restaurant. Which was kind of a disappointment. Went to Quickly's, then he went to a study group thing, and I went bowling. Met up with him after. We ate pho, then went to bed.

The next morning I remember he got mad at me. I got there free movie tickets to watch Yogi Bear, and we used them, but it was in the morning. He was angry that I had trouble waking up in the morning and that when we got to the theater, the line was really long, so he thought that we wouldn't make it in. We did though, and we got seats. I remember he bought me popcorn, and he got an Icee. The movie was good, and after we watched Love and Other Drugs, which was a really good movie. It's the first time I watched a chick flick while holdings hands. After we went back to his place, and he had work, so I went back to my room. Studied a little for my final on that Monday. We made cupcakes after. Every time we make cupcakes, I realize how much of a perfectionist he is.. and I spent the rest of the weekend with him. I went to the library Sunday afternoon, and pulled an all-nighter for my final.

I guess I remember a lot of times like that.. where I'd anger him. I remember a lot of times where I'd do things for him and sacrifice things for me. He did thank me for helping him with his photo project though.. I remember that thank you because it was written on the card he gave me for Christmas.

Lately I've just been thinking of him. I said before, I'm as over it as I can be... but like I said, he was my first boyfriend, and moments where I reminisce and get sad are bound to happen... it's not because there's feelings. It helps being able to talk about this though... even if it is to a blog that no one comments so I don't have actual proof people read this.