I'm sitting in the library, in my usual study spot. Kind of strange being alone. So lately, I want things my way, and I get upset when it doesn't go that way. As much as I say it's not fair... it shouldn't matter. I can't control over people's lives, even when it affects mine. I should just get over the fact that people can hang out with whoever they want. I think I need to just accept that fact that soon, my friends that I've tried so hard to keep separated for so long, will mix. When I get out of college, it'll be easy to keep them separated though.. so I guess I look forward to it.Really though... I feel like such a brat.
I also feel uninspired to try in school... I can pass the class if I work hard, but I feel like I shouldn't. It's hard to care. I wish I was more disciplined. I always thought of myself as a bad student.. but he said a bad student doesn't care. I guess I care. I mean... I get my stuff done. I think so many years of being be next to people that complained when they got a B really caught up with me.. even in high school, I was never like those kids. Still haven't found my studying technique yet... after two semesters of trying to figure it out. There's no way I can get a job if I can't even study efficiently.. meaning no money for me, and I'm starting to get dangerously low.
I need money. it's sad... honestly, I can go without a lot of the things I buy.. I remember how I was analyzing how I started becoming materialistic last year. Luckily, I'm not as materialistic, but I really want to get into clothes.. too bad I don't have actual money for that.. I realized that after getting into high school, I buy my own clothes.. I mean like... all my clothes. I buy my own underwear, bras, pants, jackets, tops... but you know what? My mom buys my brother clothes. My silly summer job (Which honestly, barely gives me any money...) is my only real income, besides my birthday, Christmas, and Chinese New Year. Maybe it's because the year I turned 18, I didn't get money. I also didn't really get money when I was 19. And last Christmas, I didn't get money from my relatives because of the economy.. I think that's why it seems like I have no money.. Or it could be the money I spent on Kevin. I honestly thought about it... and I spend way more money than I should have on him.. I don't even know why. I think it's because I felt liek I needed to buy him nice things because he was a more extravagant person. I really need to get a job though... I don't know how many hours I'll get this summer, but once it hits the school year, I need to get a job... really. After RUSH is all over, it's going to be job. Or actually... I'll apply during the summer to see if I can get an easy on-campus job that forces me to study. I need money. I told myself I wouldn't tap into my savings account.. but it seems more and more likely that I will, especially since most of the money I earned is gone. I probably have enough to survive next semester... but the summer..? I don't know.. And I don't know if I'll get money from my parents for food... because honestly, I have too much pride to ask for money. They'll have to give me money. If they don't, I'll be paying for my own food..
I still don't know my major. Thought I had it figured out, but I guess not.. I really want something I'll at least find interesting.. because I know I'm not very motivated in school. I need something I enjoy. But essentially, I do need to support myself and my future family though.. so it seems more and more likely that I'm going to settle with a major and career I won't like, but maybe I'll switch to something I enjoy after I accumulate some money. What I'm looking at right now isn't something I want to study, but I can see myself enjoying the job in the future, and I guess that's what's most important. The bad thing is... there's no variety in the major. Meaning I major in it, and that's my job. There's no fall back option. I guess I could minor in something super general.. but I still want to do something I enjoy..
As much as I know I completely break down when I stress, it still doesn't inspire me to work ahead... even now. I have two big papers and a final on Tuesday.... I'm still not working. What's wrong with me?
I definitely care more about APO than school... I'm thinking of next semester, what I want to do, what I want to accomplish... but I'm not thinking about what classes I need to take. Although I'm doing research.. I'm not spending enough time trying to figure out my major.. not as much as I'd like. What's wrong with me?
I also think I've been emotional lately... not like super emotional, but I've been getting upset at him. I shouldn't though... I'm afraid I'm getting too used to how he treats me. I'm afraid I'm taking it for granted. I want to slap myself in the face... Why don't I realize how lucky I am? Sad part is.. I know how lucky I am, but still... Still I take it for granted. I see the signs, I just need to stop myself.
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