I don't know what to think. I know I should be relieved that the pressure's off, but am I really? I guess not. School is alright, I guess. I have two easy classes to even my harder classes, so I guess I'm not stressed that I just failed a midterm. History's always been a weaker subject of mine though.

That's not what I'm here to address though... I know Kevin's moved on. and honestly, I'm not here miserable and crying. I feel like I should be relieved, but I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. I just kind of... know. And I just kind of... yeah.

She's pretty, that's for sure. She has nice hair, and she does her makeup well. She dresses well. She presents herself well. I guess it still bothers me that that's not me, it was never me no matter how hard I tried.

He's happy though.. isn't that what's important? Lately I've been wanting to talk to him and hang out with him, just a friends. I guess I've been stopping myself.. not necessarily for me though. I think I can handle it.

I often wonder how much time he talks to her. I guess I just try to imagine because we were so different. We started out being around each other all the time. We were always with each other, we did everything together, and I still had my own line. Now... what does he do? Constantly stay on his phone? It's long-distance, technically. He said he'd never do that. I think about all the time we spent together... and I wonder, would he have done that to me? Was I even worth it to him?

I guess what bothers me most is that he mentioned her before I mentioned anyone. Like.. he wouldn't have told me if I didn't mention that I had a person. My person is different though... so completely different.

I can't help but wonder about him.. what he's been up to, how he's been doing. I run into people that are involved in his life all the time, and I wonder what they thing when they see me. I think I'm scared to see how he spins the story of what happened.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. I care too much. Even now, even though it's a fraction of what it was before.

Do you know what bothers me? He hung out with a mutual friend of ours. Yes, I haven't talked to seen that person in forever, so I guess she's really his friend. But still... it bothered me because he uses hearts when he talks to her. Hearts. You have no idea how much that bothers me. I was with him for how freakin' long, and do you know how many hearts I've received from him? One. And that was because I did something huge for him that he was hecka stressed about and... ugh. I took the blame. Horrible, horrible.

What bothers me if when I read stuff he writes, and he'll used words like adorable and pretty and... I don't even know! What the heck... I never got those words. I never got any of that. I guess ultimately, it still bothers me. I know it shouldn't, but it still does.

I guess I still think he doesn't care. He didn't care. I still think he didn't appreciate me. I still think I was never good enough. He probably doesn't think about dating me again int he future. Honestly, now I don't.. but it hurts that he thinks that because he sounded so genuine when he said that to me. I believed him. But now... he's falling for his one girl... and what sucks is knowing that I'll never know what he thought about me when he was with me. I'll never know if he was crazy about me. Sure, I know I was different than his past relationships, but I'll still never know if I was good enough.

I'm weak, I guess. I need reassurance, and I never got it from him, and I'll never get it.