Amazing.

"You look nice today"

It's funny how something so simple can.. make me go crazy. That's all he said. That's all he really had to say. I'm not saying that I'm into Kevin again. I've thought about it actually, and I'm as over it as I can get because essentially, the first if always going to sting. It's always going to be in my mind. I thought about Eric so much after.. and to be honest, we didn't even really talk, so just imagine how it's going to be with Kevin.

We had dinner yesterday. I haven't really talked to him since before Snow Trip. He's IMed me or texted me a few times, and he sent me this message on Facebook that I responded to. That message on Facebook was heavy stuff, and even though at the time I was really happy with my life, it was just really heavy. I felt like the message had a hold on me, like it meant so much more than I actually thought it did. I stopped responding to what he told me in that message.

Even though I was extremely into Kevin.. it wasn't good for me, and I know that. My confidence went down. I lost my self-esteem. I worried about how I looked constantly. I felt like I was never good enough. I felt unattractive. I constantly compared myself to other people. I changed my schedule, did everything I could for him. I bent over backwards to make him happy. And you know what? During most of the relationship.. I felt like he didn't care. And I told him that towards the end. I told him in October, and that's the first time he saw me cry.. it hurts when I think about that moment. I think about how he looked, and I remember his face. His eyes. How concerned that he felt that way.. I remember that one Saturday night when I went over... so hurt by what he told him.. only to find myself crying and holding onto him so tight. I remember going to the bathroom and locking myself in.. him knocking on the door asking me to talk to him. I remember crying on the bed. I remember wanting to sleep so badly.

As much as I remember the positive things about the relationship, there were really big negatives, and essentially... I didn't deserve that. I deserve better. Kevin knew that, and I didn't. I think at the time, my esteem was so low that I didn't believe that.

I see all the changed that Kevin's made in the little contact that we've had. I really think he's changed, and I'm really happy for him. I hope he finds someone for him, and more importantly, I hope he treats her right.

After being in a relationship, I often wonder a lot about other people's relationships.. who do I know out there that was like me? Let's be honest, I wasn't in a very good relationship, but no one around me knew that.. no one ever knew that until I told them I wasn't treated very well after we broke up. I'm sure there are people out there that are just like me.


I still find myself doing habits that I developed when I was with Kevin. None of them good. I worry about clothes I wear a lot, even though I don't wear very impressive things. I talk down about myself, and I don't give myself the credit I deserve. My thoughts criticize everything I do, and I tell myself that it's not good enough. I tell myself I need to do things.. sometimes not because I want to.. but because in some indirect way, it will spite him.

A low self-esteem and a lack of confidence is something I find extremely unattractive.... and the only person I've shared most of my insecurities with still likes me.. still loves me. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. What I do know is that I'm not sick of him. I love being around him. I can tell him, and pretty much tell him anything. He can see me seriously, which is ultimately a huge thing. I care about him, and this time it's mutual.

(I wrote in a private entry that Kevin makes me feel amazing. Honestly, when I think back on it, he didn't make me feel amazing. I wanted him to make me feel amazing. I told myself he made me feel amazing.)

THIS GUY, on the other hand, makes me feel so amazing. He's amazing, and he doesn't realize how lucky I am. Seriously, I'm so insanely lucky. He says I'm the lucky one.. but he doesn't see what I see.