I hate that I don't know if I'm doing what I'm doing just to spite him. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if part of me was..

RECRUITMENT CHAIR is a position I wanted for a few reasons. First off, I wanted to step up in the Chapter, but I've always been scared to. Also, there's a lot of things wrong with the Chapter that I want to fix.. but the only way we can start to fix them if through the new members. Lastly, I wanted to be Recruitment Chair because ultimately, I really really want to be Rush Chair for next semester, so I feel like this will help me. But after some thinking... did I just take it on to spite Kevin? He took on like, 3 positions or whatever for his fraternity. He said it was to stay busy.. but I don't know. I guess part of me wants to throw myself into APO because originally he disagreed with it. He didn't want me to do it. He didn't think I could handle it. I think that was part of reason for me to cross. Because I thought about De-pledging so many times.. I even thought about it at the end. Twin is ultimately the person I have to thank that I crossed though.
Sometimes I think about those sleepless nights I stayed up thinking about APO. I think about all the all-nighters I pulled. I think about everything I stressed over, and I often ask myself if it was worth it. Of course I tell the pledges and everyone that it was definitely worth it.. but I'm not so sure. Why have I taken on all this additional stress when ultimately, I could have avoided it all? It's not like I get a thanks or anything. Sure, I can put it on my resume, and it'll make me look good, but honestly? Honestly, I like doing service, but I don't LOVE it. I don't LOVE leadership. I don't LOVE friendship. I said I liked the people in APO, but in all actuality, Twin is the only person I'm really really close to. I guess I still don't feel welcome. Maybe that's why I usually avoid the tables, and make up excuses not to go. Maybe that's why I'll cancel on hanging out with APO people to hang out other friends. Maybe that's why I was so extremely hesitant to go on the Snow Trip. Honestly, I think I wanted to go on the Snow Trip to see if my parents would say yes after they already said no. To somehow spite Kevin because I knew it would be a trip that would make me get over the break up. It worked though..

MY SOCIAL LIFE has gotten too busy for me to handle. I think I'm going to cut myself off for a while.. because I'm kind of getting tired of seeing people. I guess part of me is trying to stay busy so I don't end up sitting in my room typing something like this, or filling my brain with negative thoughts. Or sitting here wondering if not talking to Kevin is a good chose. Yeah, those times don't come that often, but they still come.

I've been trying to get a JOB lately. Okay, rephrase. There's there's want job I want, but it's a 20-30 hour commitment a week, and I filled out the application, made a resume and everything, and had every intention of applying. When I dropped by the place yesterday, they were closed, and I called the manage, but didn't get a call back. I just emailed my friend about working at a preschool,s o hopefully that works out, but that commute on bus is going to suck. I guess I just need money, because I'm scared of running out. It's not like I need it now.. but it would be nice. So I was thinking though.. what if I just want a job so I can spite Kevin? That I can take on a lot of different things, and still be a great person in APO, still have a social life, and still go to school and get good grades?

SCHOOL had been alright. Been lagging, honestly. I feel like I haven't learned anything, and it's not very fun. I hate all my classes except for Acting. EDCO 4 is really boring, and I don't pay attention at all in HIST. ENGL is alright... I get all the concepts, but when it comes to actually using the theories, I'm hecka lost. GEOL 4L is hecka easy though. I feel like I need to focus on school... Kevin gets good grades.. so why can't I? He saw how bad I did before, so wouldn't getting a hecka high GPA be a good way of spiting him? I guess I need some kind of competition.

As far a LOVE LIFE goes.. well that's something else.

I don't even know what I trying to say anymore... I'm second-guessing everything I do. Why am I even in college?