Maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I'm just... you know what? I know. It's the fact that I was replaceable. I think in the back of my head, I always thought that with Kevin, I was the different one. I wasn't the one treated like sh/t. I guess I just thought I was special. It still bothers me. Gosh, why the heck does it still bother me? I shouldn't be thinking of these things. It bothers me that I was so easily replaced, and he seems so happy. It bothers me that I never made him that happy... or if I ever did, I obviously don't know it.

It's weird though... I guess I didn't realize how hard I am on myself. I always told Kevin he was too hard on himself... but I guess I've kind of become that person. Not to his extreme, of course.. but still.

The word "perfect" though... that's a statement. Even "perfect for me".. that's really big. I don't know. I guess I never heard those words before, and because I see so many imperfections, I guess I just don't know how to take it. People who can't take compliments have low self-esteem. That's me. I can't tell if it's because I was raised to be modest, or because my self-esteem is a lot lower than I thought it was.

It's weird being the one cared for... being loved (openly). It's weird having someone wanting me to go to bed early, who tells me not to stress. Someone who wants me to study, for me to do good in school. It's weird because I've never had that. I've never had this. I'm afraid of taking him from granted. I'm afraid of not giving him the credit he deserves. The attention. The affection. Everything. Because he really does deserve everything. I'm afraid of giving him what I received in the past. Because that's all I know how to do. I don't know how to take this all, and I don't know how to respond.

I think I'm just getting scared, that's all. I'm scared because time is getting invested. Now is that moment where I started to see the mistake last time, but I went with it anyways. Except this time.. I don't feel that mistake. Now, it feels right. He's supportive. He's comforting. He's understanding. He's patient. He's so nice. Selfless. Cute. Lameeee. Serious. He looks our for me. He cares for me. He says I'm "perfect for him". He sees me in his future. I see him in my future. I only feel scared. Scared of the future and what will happen. Scared of facing the future without my partner in crime. Afraid of losing him. What in the world would I do without him?
What if he really isn't there with me?
What if someone happens, and I lose him?
What if I really am just replaceable?
What if I'm not special?
What if someone else makes him happier?
What if I hurt him?
What if....
"What if" is a scary question.

I don't know what to think. I know I should be relieved that the pressure's off, but am I really? I guess not. School is alright, I guess. I have two easy classes to even my harder classes, so I guess I'm not stressed that I just failed a midterm. History's always been a weaker subject of mine though.

That's not what I'm here to address though... I know Kevin's moved on. and honestly, I'm not here miserable and crying. I feel like I should be relieved, but I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. I just kind of... know. And I just kind of... yeah.

She's pretty, that's for sure. She has nice hair, and she does her makeup well. She dresses well. She presents herself well. I guess it still bothers me that that's not me, it was never me no matter how hard I tried.

He's happy though.. isn't that what's important? Lately I've been wanting to talk to him and hang out with him, just a friends. I guess I've been stopping myself.. not necessarily for me though. I think I can handle it.

I often wonder how much time he talks to her. I guess I just try to imagine because we were so different. We started out being around each other all the time. We were always with each other, we did everything together, and I still had my own line. Now... what does he do? Constantly stay on his phone? It's long-distance, technically. He said he'd never do that. I think about all the time we spent together... and I wonder, would he have done that to me? Was I even worth it to him?

I guess what bothers me most is that he mentioned her before I mentioned anyone. Like.. he wouldn't have told me if I didn't mention that I had a person. My person is different though... so completely different.

I can't help but wonder about him.. what he's been up to, how he's been doing. I run into people that are involved in his life all the time, and I wonder what they thing when they see me. I think I'm scared to see how he spins the story of what happened.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. I care too much. Even now, even though it's a fraction of what it was before.

Do you know what bothers me? He hung out with a mutual friend of ours. Yes, I haven't talked to seen that person in forever, so I guess she's really his friend. But still... it bothered me because he uses hearts when he talks to her. Hearts. You have no idea how much that bothers me. I was with him for how freakin' long, and do you know how many hearts I've received from him? One. And that was because I did something huge for him that he was hecka stressed about and... ugh. I took the blame. Horrible, horrible.

What bothers me if when I read stuff he writes, and he'll used words like adorable and pretty and... I don't even know! What the heck... I never got those words. I never got any of that. I guess ultimately, it still bothers me. I know it shouldn't, but it still does.

I guess I still think he doesn't care. He didn't care. I still think he didn't appreciate me. I still think I was never good enough. He probably doesn't think about dating me again int he future. Honestly, now I don't.. but it hurts that he thinks that because he sounded so genuine when he said that to me. I believed him. But now... he's falling for his one girl... and what sucks is knowing that I'll never know what he thought about me when he was with me. I'll never know if he was crazy about me. Sure, I know I was different than his past relationships, but I'll still never know if I was good enough.

I'm weak, I guess. I need reassurance, and I never got it from him, and I'll never get it.

The pain in your voice, I knew the look on your face. The spaces of silence filled the air, more powerful than the expected words. My voice, straining to stay composed, broke down after only so much. I avoided your eyes- those shadowed by the darkness but still pierced me. Completely exposed. Tears trickled down my cheeks, uncontrollable.
Begging. Pleading. Please. For me?

With him, I use the word "Forever". I don't use it all the time, but I do realize I let it slip when I'm not over-thinking things. I find him using the word "Always". Words really mean a lot to me, and I take them seriously, and it scares me that I would even use a word so permanent. He knows he's the only person I see as permanent.. but I'm still scared of those words. I'm scared of saying anything like that... but I trust him. I trust him completely... as much as I'm scared.

I realized that everything I call him around people... is weird because I'm so used to calling him by our nicknames. Tonight I realized that he cares about me more than I care about myself. He tries to take care of me. I should listen more. What the heck.. we got called out by a someone, and he was saying that we should date and that we'd make a good husband and wife. That was awkward.

I wish more than anything I was able to have the title. I wish I didn't have this baggage. Because I know it's me holding it back. But it's alright. I trust him. We have plenty of time for a title in the future. I wish I was able to tell him I love him. He says it doesn't bother him that I don't say it... but I feel like it would bother me. But just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't care. I care so much. I think so highly of him. But you know what..? At least I know I'll be sure. At least I know I'll mean it. At least he'll know. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

I did notice that I really did throw myself into AphiO. Kind of hate myself for that. I feel like that's all I talk about.. Maybe because of the whole everyone getting their littles.. I kind of wanted a little, but I didn't think I was ready to pick up this semester, and I was talking to DK, and he was saying how a lot of Big-little relationships where the big picked up right after they crossed didn't work out. I didn't really notice until he said that, but I agree.

I don't know when I'll be ready, honestly. I feel like I don't have enough life experience, plus right now, I feel like I don't have enough money. I hecka plan on spoiling my little. I don't know.. I think I'm just scared of ended up with a bad Big-Little relationship. At first I planned on only getting one little... but then I thought about it.. and I don't know.. what if my little is never around? Or disappears? Or something happens. Yeah, I'd always be their Big, but then I'd might want another little. Just a thought.

I think I'm a little happier about my family now.. after BSR and everything.. just because now I'm getting closer to some of them. I know I still don't know anyone, but it makes me happy that I'm making some (ANY) progress.

Sherman and I were talking about how all the families tend to have people with the same personality because Bigs & littles are matched up like that.. I definitely agree, and I really think that's why I don't get along with a lot of my family... then again, I don't know why Twin and I are matched with Big. I don't think I ever will... and I think it kind of bothers me. It really did bother me that the Mamas didn't know Twin and I were close before we even got twinned. Seriously. Did they not know me at all?

I guess what really sucks is that.. like I said the one thing I was really really really excited about for AphiO was getting a Big, and it really didn't work out the way I wanted it to.. I'm still working on it though.. and honestly, I want a good Big Little relationship with my Big before I pick up.. at the same time.. I know I'm a student, and it's only going to get harder the longer I wait.. Then again, I could be a line-killer. Because essentially, our line is pretty messed up.

I need to stop talking about AphiO. It's sickening.

I don't think I should be left alone because my thoughts are taking over. To be honest, I didn't go to HIST class because I knew I'd be miserable and trapped in my thoughts. I didn't realize that any time I'm alone would do that for me.. even in the library when I'm trying to study for midterms.

As much as I want to cut down my social life, I don't think I can afford to. 'Gotta keep busy, I guess. Shouldn't be a problem though. Interview Friday.

I don't know how long it'll take for me to stop being awkward around Kevin.. I wish I knew. Oh the other hand, I think I realized yesterday how much baggage I really do hold. I knew the whole Kevin thing would mean a lot to me.. but honestly. This is way more than I thought. I'm kind of overwhelmed. At least at this time.

What breaks my heart is knowing that I'm hurting him when I think about Kevin. Or when I talk about Kevin. I care about him too much to do that, and I already know how scared we both are. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to scare him. I'm sorry I have so much baggage. I didn't realize how heavy it was until recently.

He's amazing though... I don't know any guys that would stick with someone if they're not over their ex, or if they reference him or all that stuff... Really though? I don't know anyone that would do that. For that, I'm lucky. for that, I'm so extremely grateful that it's not even funny.

I can't stop my thoughts, but I can try to focus on my future, and who will be better for me ultimately. He's amazing. You're amazing, and I heart you.

If you're wondering why exactly I was so cold to you when we went out to eat.. it's because I could see it in your eyes that you weren't over me.

I forget if I mentioned this is my blog before... but I think part of what hurt most after Kevin and I broke up is realizing that I didn't even know the last time we kissed. Isn't that sad? Actually... I take that back. We kissed once. It was the day before we broke up.. it was a peck int he kitchen of his cousin's house. He was drinking... so he didn't even remember. Isn't that sad? The last kiss when we were actually together.. he doesn't remember. The day we broke up, he was lightweight mad. He drove to Alameda even though he was pretty much hung over, and there was tension because 1. I couldn't get the car and 2. My parents wouldn't let me drive there. We broke up that night in a park after eating at Denny's. The day before we were at his cousin's house. He was drinking, and I was alone in a room watching movies. His cousin's friend drove me home. He doesn't even remember me leaving. The day before that, we were in San Jose.. and his plans got canceled so he was mad, and we went back home to a day early because of his plans. I went home early because he was my ride. We were both had at each other.. the ride home was pretty much silent. I wanted to be dropped off at home-home, but we just agreed to sleep over that night at his house. I remember going to sleep sad. The days before that tend to be a blur, but the weeks before that.. I only remember helping him work on his photo project.. that's all I remember. I remember going to the mall to help him. I remember feeling cold and sad when we didn't hold hands there. I remember laying on the cold ground for his pictures. I remember taking a break from a huge paper I was writing just to help him for his project... I often wonder if that was the right decision for me.. should I have helped him with his project? I think I've mentioned this before, but at the end of the relationship.. I don't really remember doing anything together...

I think about our last month-anniversary thing.. 12/10/10 and I try to figure out what we did... the night before was the worst I'd ever seen him... I left my friends to walk over and meet him... He was in the bathroom, and he threw up in the tub. It was really gross.. I had to get the car to take him home. I was not about to spend another night in that house. I messed up his car in the process, and I honestly really hate myself for that... but we got him in his bed, and from there I was just... scared. I was never so scared for someone in my life. My phone was dead.. and I fell asleep holding him, still in my jeans. Afraid he wouldn't wake up the next morning.. The next morning was our monthiversary. We slept in.. didn't do much. At a late luch at a new restaurant. Which was kind of a disappointment. Went to Quickly's, then he went to a study group thing, and I went bowling. Met up with him after. We ate pho, then went to bed.

The next morning I remember he got mad at me. I got there free movie tickets to watch Yogi Bear, and we used them, but it was in the morning. He was angry that I had trouble waking up in the morning and that when we got to the theater, the line was really long, so he thought that we wouldn't make it in. We did though, and we got seats. I remember he bought me popcorn, and he got an Icee. The movie was good, and after we watched Love and Other Drugs, which was a really good movie. It's the first time I watched a chick flick while holdings hands. After we went back to his place, and he had work, so I went back to my room. Studied a little for my final on that Monday. We made cupcakes after. Every time we make cupcakes, I realize how much of a perfectionist he is.. and I spent the rest of the weekend with him. I went to the library Sunday afternoon, and pulled an all-nighter for my final.

I guess I remember a lot of times like that.. where I'd anger him. I remember a lot of times where I'd do things for him and sacrifice things for me. He did thank me for helping him with his photo project though.. I remember that thank you because it was written on the card he gave me for Christmas.

Lately I've just been thinking of him. I said before, I'm as over it as I can be... but like I said, he was my first boyfriend, and moments where I reminisce and get sad are bound to happen... it's not because there's feelings. It helps being able to talk about this though... even if it is to a blog that no one comments so I don't have actual proof people read this.

The last few days have been sad and full of self-reflecting.. and I think that's fairly shown through my blog. You know what though? How did I ever get so lucky? Yeah, I'm getting sick because of him, but I don't really mind.. even if I have midterms this week. Yuck.
I started today super sad/bitter, but I went back to my room happy. He makes me happy, and I really often wonder what he sees in me. He obviously sees something in me that I'm unaware of.

I hate that I don't know if I'm doing what I'm doing just to spite him. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if part of me was..

RECRUITMENT CHAIR is a position I wanted for a few reasons. First off, I wanted to step up in the Chapter, but I've always been scared to. Also, there's a lot of things wrong with the Chapter that I want to fix.. but the only way we can start to fix them if through the new members. Lastly, I wanted to be Recruitment Chair because ultimately, I really really want to be Rush Chair for next semester, so I feel like this will help me. But after some thinking... did I just take it on to spite Kevin? He took on like, 3 positions or whatever for his fraternity. He said it was to stay busy.. but I don't know. I guess part of me wants to throw myself into APO because originally he disagreed with it. He didn't want me to do it. He didn't think I could handle it. I think that was part of reason for me to cross. Because I thought about De-pledging so many times.. I even thought about it at the end. Twin is ultimately the person I have to thank that I crossed though.
Sometimes I think about those sleepless nights I stayed up thinking about APO. I think about all the all-nighters I pulled. I think about everything I stressed over, and I often ask myself if it was worth it. Of course I tell the pledges and everyone that it was definitely worth it.. but I'm not so sure. Why have I taken on all this additional stress when ultimately, I could have avoided it all? It's not like I get a thanks or anything. Sure, I can put it on my resume, and it'll make me look good, but honestly? Honestly, I like doing service, but I don't LOVE it. I don't LOVE leadership. I don't LOVE friendship. I said I liked the people in APO, but in all actuality, Twin is the only person I'm really really close to. I guess I still don't feel welcome. Maybe that's why I usually avoid the tables, and make up excuses not to go. Maybe that's why I'll cancel on hanging out with APO people to hang out other friends. Maybe that's why I was so extremely hesitant to go on the Snow Trip. Honestly, I think I wanted to go on the Snow Trip to see if my parents would say yes after they already said no. To somehow spite Kevin because I knew it would be a trip that would make me get over the break up. It worked though..

MY SOCIAL LIFE has gotten too busy for me to handle. I think I'm going to cut myself off for a while.. because I'm kind of getting tired of seeing people. I guess part of me is trying to stay busy so I don't end up sitting in my room typing something like this, or filling my brain with negative thoughts. Or sitting here wondering if not talking to Kevin is a good chose. Yeah, those times don't come that often, but they still come.

I've been trying to get a JOB lately. Okay, rephrase. There's there's want job I want, but it's a 20-30 hour commitment a week, and I filled out the application, made a resume and everything, and had every intention of applying. When I dropped by the place yesterday, they were closed, and I called the manage, but didn't get a call back. I just emailed my friend about working at a preschool,s o hopefully that works out, but that commute on bus is going to suck. I guess I just need money, because I'm scared of running out. It's not like I need it now.. but it would be nice. So I was thinking though.. what if I just want a job so I can spite Kevin? That I can take on a lot of different things, and still be a great person in APO, still have a social life, and still go to school and get good grades?

SCHOOL had been alright. Been lagging, honestly. I feel like I haven't learned anything, and it's not very fun. I hate all my classes except for Acting. EDCO 4 is really boring, and I don't pay attention at all in HIST. ENGL is alright... I get all the concepts, but when it comes to actually using the theories, I'm hecka lost. GEOL 4L is hecka easy though. I feel like I need to focus on school... Kevin gets good grades.. so why can't I? He saw how bad I did before, so wouldn't getting a hecka high GPA be a good way of spiting him? I guess I need some kind of competition.

As far a LOVE LIFE goes.. well that's something else.

I don't even know what I trying to say anymore... I'm second-guessing everything I do. Why am I even in college?

I wonder if he reads my blog. I wonder if Kevin reads my blog. Sometimes I even wonder if Eric reads my blog. I guess I'm just curious who reads this. Kevin told me once he read it, so sometimes I wonder if he remembered the link and found it.

So I'm scared of hanging out with Kevin because I'm scared I'll start to like him again. he seems happy, so good for him. I'm happy so, so I guess we're even in some way. I can't help but remember what I used to think when I was with him. I thought I was different. I thought I was the one that got through to him, the one that would be there, and he would be different too.

I don't know if that ever happened though.