Because, honestly, I feel like crap for exposing myself and feeling vulnerable, only not not receive what I set out to do. That after all these accomplishments, and proving that I am more than capable of team building and creating a positive, cohesive group that I'm not trusted enough to maintain the majority. Of all things to blame, there are many- improper demonstration, pity, more time, but honestly, it kills me. Not for my self esteem, but rather this organization which I care so much about. It's that point where you care so much that you're concerned for the future of it, and the way it develops. Where is the faith? I fear for the future, and it pains me knowing I'm unable to fix things from within.

This semester, I have received more than enough criticism, I've questioned my strengths as a person, and have made myself vulnerable way beyond comfort level. I care too much about this organization to let it go in flames, I know I should have more faith in people.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

Offsetting. It's offsetting when social media becomes the way you express yourself. When twitter hides your secrets, Tumblr becomes a double life, and this blog becomes the outlet to my head.

It's just that this week has been really hard for me. Coffee every day + late nights. With all the stress of APO, making sure the kids are okay and not dying. And school. This has been one of the toughest school weeks. I failed my exam on Wednesday that I started studying for a last week (which is beyond rare for me). I had two group presentations and a paper due Monday. (& I didn't turn in a paper Tuesday) & of course the huge paper I just turned in today. Not to mention the emotional stress I've been in all week. Plus the drama, oh we can't ever forget the drama which is constantly draining.

I'm beyond exhausted.

& yet, I know that complaining and tell you about everything doesn't help. If anything, it stresses you out so I don't want to tell you. Especially APO stuff. When I get carried away, all it does it annoy you. & it sucks, believe me it sucks because whenever I'm super stressed or worried, I turn to you, only I couldn't do that this week. There wasn't free time when I had free time. There wasn't time to just sit and breathe and calm down. Instead of having one thing happen, dealing with it & letting it go, everything just piled up. Everything. And I just feel so tired and exhausted and drained.

I know it's not your fault, once Wednesday hit, all I was looking forward to was tonight. I was looking forward to being with you. That's what got me though the times that didn't match up. The offers to do something but we didn't.

Yesterday I was so bad. All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and lay there forever, but I stayed up and worked on my paper 'til 5 so I would get it done early to be with you. Granted, I didn't get it done early & as expected, I finished it right before it was due, but I can't help but be really upset that we aren't seeing each other tonight. It's no one's fault, I'm not mad at you, I'm upset at the situation and this week and myself and everything. & this just put sprinkles on the week I've been having.

It just sucks when you plan for something & it's your motivation to get you through a tough time & it doesn't happen. Or when you plan a day around something you're expecting & now it just seems like such a waste.

I feel like I've just been bottling everything up cause it's not worth it. I know you don't mean it, but it's not worth talking to you about all this APO stuff, and having me let my stuff out, only to have you respond is  your why-do-you-care/it-doesn't-matter attitude. It ends up hurting me. I guess I'm getting hurt regardless. I'm dying inside, slowly. & honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do in school. I'm freaking out & screaming inside, but there's so many other things to worry about. There's so many thoughts in my head, it really is exhausting.

Is it better to let things out & end up feeling hurt by the reaction, or bottling everything and having break downs when I'm alone in my room? Both suck completely.

I'm tired of both. I'm tired of that feeling I get when I walk away or hang up the phone. I'm tired of the break downs and sleeping, holding onto my pillows. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of not feeling motivated to do anything. I'm tired of doing so much for everything/one that my own life is suffering. I'm tried of this semester. I'm tired of school.I'm tired of going to things out of obligation Vs actually wanting it. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of not wanting anything. I'm tired of complaining.  I'm tired of it all.

I'm tired of being strong in front of my kids. Because in reality, I haven't been this weak in a long time.

Acute Stress Disorder

Symptoms begin within groups weeks of the trauma and last for less than one month. 

Events that are more likely to cause disorder than others: combat, disasters, abuse, victimization.
People who have been abused or victimized often experience lingering stress symptoms.
Psychological impact is immediate and may be long-lasting.
Must have experienced some traumatic event, then persistent re-experiencing of traumatic event such as: dreaming, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, constant memories. Stimuli or situations will bring back memories.
Post-traumatic stress disorder may develop from acute stress disorder. Symptoms can begin at any time following the trauma, but must last longer than one month.
---
Learning becomes learning when you see yourself in the material. never really saw myself in it, until now. 

Life has been busier than ever, and all I can really do is think about my kiddos nearly constantly. It's weird because I'm not a usual get attached person, but OMG. My kids, man. 

I took a few steps back the other night. I'm not sure how it started. Oh wait.. I know how it started. I was on Instagram & he commented on a picture I was tagged in. How stupid. It's weird how one thing can happen & then life spirals in and out of no where I'm laying in my bed in the dark with wandering thoughts. However, it's fine. Haven't done that in a long time & honestly, it's not even an emotional draining thing. It's just me being physically tired from not having the sleep. My heart didn't race from the nerves or judgement or the fear of words or anything. 

--

Alpha Phi Omega has been one of the... weirdest experiences by far this semester. I feel like I've been having a brand new experience this semester. I mean yes, I've been around forever. I've been to my fair share of Chapters. I have a bunch of experience, but it's beyond different. I feel as though I'm going through my own form of pledging. I'm opening up more to people. I'm connected with more brothers. I'm enjoying the Executive Committee so much. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have people. Granted, no, I don't hang out with people outside of APO because all I really do it PT/PE stuff, (sometimes) school, APO stuff, and hang out with my love. APO events constitute as hanging out. No, no lunch dates and hanging out for me. Even now, I feel like I don't have much time. But it's quite refreshing. 

But all the time & energy & emotions (for once), I'm investing this semester has already come to bite me in the butt once. How in the world a class "revolts" is beyond me, but I feel as though since it happened, it was extremely awkward. After about a week, everything blew over & everything is fine. I really do love my kiddos, all of them. Sure, there are people who I don't get along with, but that's just people, and it doesn't mean I don't love them. I care for all my kiddos, no matter what 

There's a part of me that's scared of them though. Scared to let them do their own thing. Scared of social media and what goes on when I'm not around. Scared of their words & judgement. Scared on their impact on others 

Scared of their binders, of their quizzes/finals. I'm scared for these kids and I wish they knew how much I care. Been spending nearly all my free time (during the day) with them, and I just hope that my effort is noticed by them. 

I hope my loud nature and enthusiasm, with that splash of super princess diva and angry serious mom + APO knowledge-filled over-caring active member doesn't scare them away. Man, I have some pretty interesting characteristics. Two pledge meetings left. It's ending too soon. 

--

I thought this semester would be really hard on our relationship. Honestly, it really does suck not seeing each other. Or seeing each other, but not having our time together. It sucks that our school schedules don't go well together and my hard weeks are your easy weeks & vice versa. Plus my kiddos taking so much of my attention.

Although I took my steps back this weekend, I feel like I'm soaring. I feel like I'm on a cloud (Cloud 9, hehehe). I love spending my weekends with you & asking stupid questions and getting mad at stupid little things like you not putting the seat down. I love having you in my arms & listening to your heart. I love the way you smile and make me feel loved. I love how everyone loves you, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're mine. I love that you leave jackets here and I steal them. I love your eyes. I love how much you care & how understanding you are 

I think about how I'm not grateful enough. Where in the world would I be without you by my side? I'd probably be stuck in that cycle of unhealthiness in a dark place. I don't reflect enough about how lucky I am. What in the world did I do to deserve someone like you? Someone like youuuuu

 I feel like I always end my posts with some corny stuff about you, but I don't mind. You're the one I like being with. I love your company. 

Me: Tell me something I don't know about you!

You: *Pause* I think you know everything. What don't you know about me?

Me: ......I don't know

You: Tell me something I don't know about you

Me: *Long Pause* Uhhhhh... I give up 

I just fell so content with everything.. but school. 

9/7/13

Children- I have children! Last night was the Pinning ceremony. It all seems surreal. This was the 6th Pinning I've attended. Holy crap, I'm getting old. & yet, this was insanely different. Who knows what will come of this journey. Who knows what'll happen. All I know is, I love my kiddos, and I don't even know them. I'm holding my arms wide open (Without scarying/overwhelming them. Their comfort level is what I'm most concerned of) It's a big pledge class, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm concerned with Risk Management issues. I'm concerned with booking a retreat for so many people. I'm concerned with actives influencing them. I'm concerned with one bad apple spoiling the bunch. I'm concerned for people not being here for the right reasons.

Officially at 6 PA's. At least it's an even number.

I'm a momma. Holy crap. It's official. Time to start learning some names. Hello, Kiddos :)

I wonder if my kiddos will ever find my blog one day. Who knows. It's 4 weeks in, but it feels like I've had no time with my kids, yet I've had so much time with them. From a professional stand point, I'm extremely proud of all my kids. From the 53 that got pinned, to the 49 that are all my children, I'm beyond excited for the stories they tell me. I'm excited that they're enjoying pledging. I'm beyond excited when I hear them talking about wanting to do leadership positions. I can't wait for the moment that I'm at their Activation watching their real journey into this organization. I can't wait for the moment that all this stress is relieved from them. When they can cast away all their stress and anxiety, and look at how far they have grown through this program that we're created for them. Granted, our program is no walk in the park. It's not easy. I'm strict because my mommas were strict on me, but granted, if they weren't so strict on us, I would not have grown up so quickly. I would not be proud of my letters, and I would not be the person I am today. I'm a proud mama to all my kiddos. 

It's weird. It's a whole different world. I can't explain it to people. Relationships within APO are hard enough to explain, but explaining the role of a pledge mom is the weirdest, most complicated relationship ever. 

I'm excited for my children to go on their retreat. I can't believe how fast everything is going. Retreat is this weekend. LSR Sunday, BSR the following Saturday. That with school, and there really is more than enough things to occupy my mind. Don't even get me started with the flashback and current things running through my brain. 

It's a challenging semester, in more ways than one and I would not have predicted it. I mean sure, there are certain aspects that I understand, but I didn't expect to feel so close to my coworkers. I didn't expect to love working with the kids at work. I didn't expect to hate volunteering at the VA. I didn't expect memorizing kiddos names & getting to know them to be so hard. I expected/didn't expect how clingy I would become. I didn't expect so many units. I didn't expect all these thoughts trickling into my life. It's weird. Being submerged in a completely different pledge program has caused all these flashbacks for me. It's weird though 'cause I still don't remember much of pledging. Pushing back those memories, yet having them come back has been pretty tough these past few days especially. 

I wish I took more time to dedicate time to this blog. Not for others, of course, but for myself. As I find myself plunging into what may be the busiest semester/time of my life, I'm started to feel nervous & anxious. I'm ambitious. A little too ambitious. Look at me, the girl who pledged & couldn't handle pledging. Who cracked at all the stress & was constantly haven't break downs. Who would even begin to think I'm the same person.

It's weird. 'cause I think to myself: do it for my kids. I don't even know my kids. I'm sitting here editing documents & just day dreaming about my kiddos. Who knows how this semester is going to turn out. All I know is that by this time next week, I'll have children. It's starting to feel more & more real. What if we don't teach them well? What if they have issues about anything? I'm sitting here and I just keep thinking about them. What if we don't raise them well? What if they struggle? What if the semester is too hard for them? What if it's too easy? These kids better learn to respect older members and cherish those letters. This organization may be all inclusive, but it doesn't mean we take anyone. It's for hard working individuals. I want to harness individuals that'll give back to the Chapter. Welcome those who care & those who identify. Goodbye dead weight. All you do it piss me off.

I'm not concerned with the opinions of people in the chapter. I'm concerned about my kids. I guess this is what real moms feel. I think about them more than me, and I'm taking on a lot this semester. There I go again thinking of others before me.

This summer has been one of my busiest- by far. Jugging two jobs was new for me.

The uniform store has been really interesting this summer. It's my 6th summer, meaning I've become one of the more seasoned employees. Often times at work, I'm interrupted by new people to ask them questions or do something that they're not able to do. We hired about nine new people- more than we ever have in the past. In addition, three of our senior employees are leaving the store & moving onto bigger and better things. Work has been more stressful than I'm used to- filled with annoyance rather than fun, but don't get me wrong. There's plenty of fun to be had (Especially when working with me). It's just weird. This job is my first job- the one I compare every job to. It has a good system, good pay, and a great environment. As an employee, I'm treated better than I've been treated anywhere else. This place is honestly more than a work place, it's become a family. When I was first hired, they said I was a part of the Classic Designs family.. only it took me a few summers & a few work places to really appreciate it. Now that we've been hiring so many new people, it's been a reality check and wake up call. My generation is passing. The people I looked up to at the store are gone, and I'm becoming one of them. Yet, how long will I actually be working here? It's not like this will be my job forever. I got this job with the intention of making some money over the summer, not gaining a family. What's going to happen when I get older? Will I still come back & help out as school sales? What's going to happen when Auntie Helen and Uncle Donald don't want to own the store anymore? When Michelle leaves and focuses on something else? What will happen to the business I care so much about? We're not going to be young forever.

#Oldpostthatnevergotposted #Starbucksinternetsucks

What am I hiding? Why is it always uncomfortable for me to say, "I have a boyfriend"? It's weird since most people just slip it into conversations. Most people mention, "Oh, my boyfriend is [insert] too. He likes to [insert]." It seems like just the other day, I was talking like that too. People don't realize the implications. They not think about how much pain and ache is in the, "Oh, we broke up" that has to be said to every single person you ever even mentioned you had a boyfriend to. That's just the interactions with people you see on a daily basis. When you finally start to get over the break up, you  see an old friend, or a person you don't see often, and go back to square one. Also, you start to think about the ex's, and their satisfaction. Is it worth it to inflict pain upon an ex, telling them you're with another? Is it worth it knowing their satisfaction when it all goes down? But does not mentioning a boyfriend constitute as leading a person on? Where's the balance?

Yet, love leaves a sting like no other. I used to never understand it. But then I realized how hard it is to be friends with an Ex. I guess it's just me being immature, and at times bitter, but I respect people who can remain friends with one another. It's easy to cut off ties when the relationship was unhealthy or bad, but what about when it was good? It doesn't matter how it happens, but there's always a sting. There's always an awkward feeling. Maybe it takes work to get over it, but it  seems uncomfortable to me.

I wonder sometimes, about Mr. Could-Have-Been-Ex. I wonder what would have happened if I was mature back then. If I was able to express my feelings. If I was able to communicate efficiently. I wonder if I would have gotten annoyed or mad, rather than just sad. I wonder what would have happened if I had the courage. I look at what I was thinking back then.. what was I thinking? I must have just enjoyed flirting and talking to a person. I didn't want a relationship for reasons I have yet to really accept, but merely because I heard it & trusted the source- so easily influenced. Also so innocent. All those nights spend day dreaming over a person I didn't even spend one-on-one time with in person. All those sleepless nights spend talking at night. I often wonder what would have happened. Though, I realize that it's the past. What's done is done.

I remember years ago, I'd text him randomly when I had a really bad day, or I was really unhappy. I'd never tell him, of course, but I'd get a text message that was so.. not serious, and then I would remember why it would have never worked out. I didn't really have a serious conversation with him. It wouldn't have worked unless we both matured together, 'cause boy did we have a lot of maturing to do.

I look at where I am now, and how far I've come. I look at my experiences, and can't help but be grateful for this lame butt who compliments me so well- who deals with my short attention span, princess attitude, clingy butt, lame jokes, and ambitious nature. My lame butt who brings out a side of me I never knew existed, but loves me regardless. The guy who supports me in figuring out my dreams and goals in life. The man who's always a few steps ahead of me, but doesn't mind waiting. His simple solutions are what I need. Then again, if I get all of this, what does he get? That's for him to know and for me to not understand. I lava you banana berry much.

I know you didn't mean it. You had no idea how I would react. & honestly, I don't remember what happened before that moment.

I wish I were prettier. I wish I was more content with how I looked. I wish I was more confident in my actions. I wish I reacted differently.  I wish I communicated more efficiently. I wish I wasn't so shy. I wish I was comfortable. I wish that I listened to you. I wish I wasn't so conservative. & I wish I didn't think so much. I wish I wasn't broken.

It's 4PM, I've been bumming all day. I have a 12 page paper due tomorrow and I only have 4 pages. Actually, that's more than I'm used to doing, so I'm actually happy about that. But not satisfied  I keep doing this to myself. I have a research study at 5, then I group meeting at 6. I plan on staying in the library 'til 12 & taking a break about 9:30 to grab some Philz coffee. Then I have all night. Class tomorrow from 9-12, then I can work 'til class at 3, which typically gets our early, and turn in the paper by 6. I have plenty of time. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

My bank accounts are low. Lower than they've ever been. I don't know what to do for my little for graduation. Or Brent. I should probably do something for him. It's weird because when I give gifts, it's often out of obligation. Maybe that's why I stopped doing it.

I keep day dreaming of the life style I want to live. I want a cute house that's decorated well. I want to be able to cook good food and entertain guests. I want to live happily with my love beside me. I want to be crafty & creative, and finally satisfied with my style. This is why I keep going back to the idea of a blog. I want that life. I unconsciously believe having a blog will give me this life magically.

I keep day dreaming of what I want to do this summer. The camera I told myself I'd buy. The free time I can theoretically spend making crafts and projects. The money that will magically appear in my bank account. The new clothes I will own. And accessories and shoes. I want everything now & I don't want to slowly invest the time or money. Time especially.

I'm hoping that all my day dreaming had gotten out of my system by the time I sit down to write my paper.

I keep worrying about money when I legitly have money in my savings. I could just magically transfer the money over. I'm not sure why I'm being such a diva. I can also spend less money & actually think about things before I buy them.

I need to return items: Michaels, H&M, Payless, Target

Clean out my closet. Upcycle what I can & donate the rest.
Thrift often.
Think about outfits more.
Get a credit card.
Work.
Study & get a good grade in summer school.
Prepare for fall semester
Get a camera. Because I keep wanting one for many years.
Play my uke.

Mundane. Boring. Routine.

Sometimes I wish my life was more exciting than it really is. Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I have a very loving boyfriend, I'm living in a pretty good apartment with roommates I'm content with. I don't absolutely hate what I'm studying. I love my school. I'm in an organization that gives me purpose, and makes me strive to be a better person. I have supportive friends. I have a family who loves me and has supported me throughout my life. I'm excited about the person I'm becoming.

However, every once in a while, I go through this phase. I go through moments where I get tired of my life. I get moments where life seems routine.

I got back from a family vacation yesterday, and even though it was just a day ago, being in San Jose has greatly impacted me, and the way I think.
I love it here. I have friends here, my boyfriend is here, but as I'm ending my fourth year in San Jose, I'm growing tired of this place.

There's also my perception on people. I see nearly every person as temporary, which withholds me from getting close to people. As I've seen in the past, I grow tired of people, and eventually drift away. I'm also really bad at keeping in touch with others. However, my boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. Two years. Honestly, it doesn't sound like too much. However, it's a pretty big chunk of my life. He's one of the few people I don't see as temporary. From the beginning, however, I've always held this fear that I may one day grow bored of him. Whenever I go through a phase like this, my heart breaks because he's what I think of. More than anything, I don't want to be bored of the one person whom I really love. It's scary admitting this, and it's scary thinking that maybe, potentially, hypothetically, knock on wood, that one day he may not be there for me. Maybe I'm blinded, maybe I'm dramatic; however, I don't know what I would do without him.

I'm sorry my brain works like this, and I sometimes think these things. I wish I didn't. I'm lucky to have someone like you in my life, and I hope that one day, I'll be able to comfort you the way you comfort me every time you hold me. Maybe that's why I'm such a clingy cuddle butt. I feel safe in your arms, like nothing can hurt me. I lava you, lame butt. Love, yours.

I really have been enjoying roll call practices for Sectionals :) Actually looking forward to it, hehehe.

PS, progress for next semester. HOLY CRAP, I'm scared, but beyond excited. Gotta GET ITTTTT.

So if someone asked if I enjoyed dancing, I'd say yes. It's weird. I've gone clubbing a few times and I really do enjoy dancing and saying no to guys when they want to dance with me. And to be honest, I like the attention when a guy even attempts to dance with me. However, today I went to a choreographed dance practice.. and I felt so uncomfortable it wasn't even funny. Knowing that everyone is doing the same steps, and a person can tell if you're the weakest link scares the sh/t out of me. My confidence level went completely down. Give me 2 minutes to prepare a speech in front of a hundred people. Fine. Ask me to perform a dance... you gotta be sh/tting me. I don't think my confidence has been so low in a while. This is completely outside my comfort zone, and the dance moves are a little too sexual for me. And performing in front of people..? Holy crap, no way no way. However, I want to try. I'm scared as hell, but how else am I going to be able to learn to live? Here's to trying new things.

One of last summer's goals was to have a professional LinkedIn site. It's slowly been getting better, but it still has ways to go. 

As much as I enjoy bumming and staying in my PJ's all day while doing nothing.. I also enjoy being busy and having things to do. I'm tired of doing nothing. I need activity. I need action. I need interaction. 

I interviewed for the bookstore, and got hired the day of. I've already started working seasonal at the book store, and so far I really like it. (Okay, so honestly, I just had a training day, but it reminds me a lot of CD, so I have a really good feeling about it) Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I'm excited to go to work. I'm excited to meet new people. I'm excited to have my first job which was solely because of me. I'm the one that found the job, filled out the application, and aced the interview. This job, although temporary, is my job. Dang it. I feel like I'm becoming a work nerd. Yet another thing to add to my list of nerd specialties. Hehehe. I'm a nerd :(

My application process for the other job, however hasn't gone as smoothly. I originally applied in the beginning of December. Since I was referred from a friend, I was scheduled for an interview this week. I showed up, but my application was lost. I wasn't able to interview for the position. Since I met one of the managers, he recommended me applying again. So today I tried applying again, and we'll see how that job goes. I'm not stressing it. If I don't get it.. well, I don't have much free time next semester anyways. & I have my seasonal job anyways. If I get the job, then I'll be happy too. I see this as a really good opportunity to learn more and broaden my horizons. However, nowadays, that's how I view everything. 

About a month ago, I interview for a class on campus which focuses on leadership development. I GOT IT. I'm really excited to learn more about being a leader because honestly, there so much I want to do, but I'm lacking the knowledge. The workload for this class though.. I already know it's going to be a lot. But I'm excited. Like.. really really excited. Again this is one of those things that I did myself. I took the initiative. I didn't ask anyone to try with me. I don't know anyone who's done this before. I'm proud of the person I'm becoming. 

I have dreams. I have goals. I have things I want to accomplish, and I feel as though everything is slowly falling into place. Maybe having a blog isn't something I should really do. I don't have the time for it. But if I really want it. I should be able to make it work. 

Looking at everything I am taking on this semester, I can feel the breakdowns. I can see the stress. However, instead of being completely scared, I'm actually kind of sort of really excited. 

Bring it on, Spring Semester.

I have my blog name. All that's missing is.. the actual blog. And the motivation to start a blog and actually do it.

Today I spend my New Year's doing service in San Mateo. It's weird to me that I didn't do anything for New Year's. In the past, I've done sleep overs and whatnot. However, this year was different. With no sleep over for me to attend, I spend my New Year's Eve alone at home. As I watched television and the clock came closer and closer to 2013, I got kind of mellow. My first New Years being 21, and I didn't even celebrate with alcohol. Or with people, for that matter.

My New Year's Eve was spent watching Les Miserables for the second time around. This time, I paid closer attention and I was very engaged in the movie. My allergies, however, got the best of me. Towards the end of the movie, I started sneezing multiple times. My eye became watery and itchy. I was honestly pretty miserable (How fitting. Look at the movie I saw). By the time I got to the car, I took out my contacts and put on my emergency glasses (I recommend everyone that wears contacts put an extra pair of glasses in their car. It's saved me multiple times). I went to Khol's after the movie, my eye still in pain. By this time it was watering insanely. I also had a giant headache and felt overheated. Overall, not a very fun experience. By the time I came home, I was famished, but didn't feel up to making anything. So I guess overall, I felt really miserable for the last day of 2012. But I will tell you this- at about 11:55. I got a text telling me to go onto Skype. So overall, I got to spend my New Year's countdown with someone after all.

Rediscovering music.

#delayedpost