Four) New Year's

Originally I wanted to spend New Year's with him. Even after it happened, we were still going to spend New Year's together. I imagined watching the count down and drinking apple cider, and sharing a New Year's kiss. I was so excited for that, but after it happened, I was more hesitant about spending that time with him. When it came to planning for New Year's Eve, I wanted him to plan because lately he's just been letting me choose what we do. It's nice, but it's weird because I'm so used to him deciding. He said go to San Jose, and was thinking about throwing a party like last year. My mom wouldn't let me, so when he said he was going to San Jose, I just said we should do our own thing, or we could hang out during the day. I made my own plans, and he made his plans.

I wasn't expecting to see him until 2011, but we ended up running errands on New Year's Eve together. His plan was to go to San Jose to celebrate his friend's birthday, and I was going to a party in Daly City then sleep at my friend's house. The party ended up being moved to San Carlos, and he ended up canceling San Jose to hang out with me. We were going to go to the movies, but I just wanted to watch a movie or two at his place.

I told him some things I missed. He said he missed them too. We got comfy, and I got to relive some of them.

I had a small break down. I was so confused. We're not together, but I still have these feelings for him. I miss him like crazy, and he misses me too. He told me to stop thinking, and enjoy the moment while it lasted. I struggled so much, and he could tell, but he was there for me. He held me, and I felt better- a lot better than I've felt in a while. Even though it just happened last night, I'm having a hard time remembering. I just remember how I felt, and how happy I was.

I watched the monitor, counting down from 10. Once it hit 0, I looked at him. There was a second or two of awkwardness. I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't know if that would be appropriate since we're just friends. We kissed.

When I was leaving, he walked me out, and we hugged goodbye- still awkwardly. I wanted a kiss. I looked at him, and he knew that's what I wanted. As he was about to say something, his dog ran out. That pretty much ruined everything because he got frustrated over it, and the parents ran to get him, and I just stood there. I said goodbye, and drove away.

I went to my friend's house, and I got to hang out with my friends. It was nice. Short (my fault), but nice. Couldn't help but think about him the whole time though. Went to dinner with the family, and thought about him some more. When I got home, I had to fight myself from texting him. Eventually I broke down and texted him. I wonder what he's thinking right now. I wonder if he's thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him.

We both miss each other. I feel like there should be some kind of solution. Honestly, I'm happy with how we are right now.. but I need the title. I need the reassurance. I need something to tell people. I'm sick of my parents asking me what our status is. We're not together. As much as it seems like we are, we aren't. I can definitely feel the difference, even if they can't see it.