Confession 21

Confession.
When Kevin first broke up with me, I didn't feel like crying. I just sat there and looked at the ground. It wasn't until he thought I was crying until I actually felt like crying. He rubbed my back, and reassured me that it was alright. I didn't start crying until I started talking about how everything would remind me of him. How I couldn't imagine not being together. How he could go hook up with whoever. How he could find someone that would being physically perfect. How he could do whatever he wanted without me holding him back.

I think I'm okay now. I haven't seen him or talked to him in a pretty long while, and I feel alright. I went on a Snow Trip, and it was really unforgettable. Not in the way everyone else is saying though. It was different for me. I care. Too much. I took care of a lot of drunk people when everyone told me it wasn't necessary.

I made a decision before going on the Snow Trip to not see Kevin. At least for a long while. When I skyped with Erik the second time, I think I got that epiphany on how I was really hurting myself while seeing him. Also, I remember how Sam told me about her trips, and how they were helpful to her getting over someone. She's right. I feel fine now, honestly. Although I am confused at where I stand right now, I'm alright.

He just texted me now though, and I feel kind of nervous. I feel cold. I'm afraid of going back on everything I just typed.

Never ever.

Confession 20: I've never heard those words before. Never. When the heck did this happen? When did life become this complicated? I don't even know where to begin.

I'm such a closed person, but why? WHY.
Why do I trust you completely? Why did I choose you? Why do I hate telling people things, but I'm willing to tell you anything. Why am I naturally close to you (physically & emotionally)?Why does my day feel incomplete without talking to you? Why are we able to do absolutely nothing together, and be content? Why did I tell you that story? The only person I've ever told. Why do you treat me so well? Why is it so weird? Why is it so wrong?

You've been around for a while, and I've brushed it off for so long. It's not like this was a surprise. Why in the world did I ask? I've asked before. What made it different? Is it because I knew you would tell me? You tell me everything. I feel like I can tell you everything. Or is it because I thought so, but I still couldn't believe it. Or maybe it's because I need some kind of verification. It's because I told you that confession. That story. That truth.

Everything you're telling me is everything I imagined. You're everything I imagined, and it scares me. I've only seen one negative glance of you, and that is nothing. I've never gotten upset at you. There's no negative things about you. I feel like you're my best friend, even though I don't use that term. This is all so foreign to me. You do everything he didn't. You do everything I wish he did or I wanted from him. You do it without trying. You don't even know. I never told you.

It's so fast, too fast. Why does everything seem to go so fast for me? This is at a completely different level than last time.

You make me feel good about myself. Am I just feeding off of what you tell me? Are these really feelings? You say such nice things.

I should be going through a breakup, not falling for someone else.

I'm afraid of hurting you. I trust you. I do not believe that you would ever hurt me (on purpose). I feel like I'd be the one hurting you, and I would never want to do that. I care about you too much to hurt you.

I'm afraid of this being a rebound.
I'm afraid know this is going too fast.
I'm afraid that I might be right.
I'm afraid that I might be wrong.
I'm afraid of what people will think.
I'm afraid of making people think they're right.
I'm afraid to talk to someone about this.
I'm afraid of why it feels so right, so natural.

Is it wrong that I can imagine myself with you in the future, but I've never thought about it with anyone else. I knew that I wouldn't marry Kevin, but it's different with you. I feel like I wouldn't know what to do if we didn't talk to each other anymore. It's not like Eric. It's not like anyone else. I can joke with you, but I've also had many serious conversations with you. I feel like you're such a support for me. I feel the need to tell you important things first. I don't know what this is.

I'm scared out of my mind.

Some nights are easier than others. Tonight's just not one of them.

EDIT. Thanks for being here for me. You didn't even know, but you were there, as usual. You're amazing.

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about Eric, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't think about me. I often wonder what would have happened if it ended differently. What if we actually said goodbye?What if he was actually my first boyfriend. Explain the situation to anyone, and they'll probably tell me that he was, but I still refuse to believe that. We didn't have the title, and we definitely didn't have the intimacy. The closest I got to him were those picture poses. I wonder what exactly happened in the end. If I could go back, I'd try harder. I'd talk to him more, and differently. I wouldn't have worried about what people said, I would have cherished him and showed him to everyone. I would have disregarded the "ratio rules" that my friends told me, and hung out with him as much as I possibly could. I'd let him know how much he meant to me at the time. Back then, I didn't realize how special he was to me, and for sure he didn't know how much me meant to me. It's weird though, because honestly, we didn't hang out very much or see each other that much, and all of our talking was over the computer. I wish I had texting back then. We talked everyday for a few hours for about ten months. Technically speaking, that was a 10 month-long relationship.

Could Have Been Number Five

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about him. I replayed every moment I could remember from the night before. I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I felt like with everything circulating, I shouldn't talk to him. I realized I should just stay busy. I know it's an obvious answer, but it's honestly so much harder than it sounds. I need to help myself before I can help others (That's what he always told me/still tells me). I Skyped with my friend for 5+ hours. It helped a lot, actually. I feel like as much as it's going to hurt, I really should stop seeing him until at least Winter Break is over, then we can DTR before the semester starts. I knocked out at 630AM.

Today felt weird- different. He texted me this morning, I felt like he was making conversation about nothing, which is usually what I do when I just want to talk to him, so I assumed he missed me. He said it was a nice day, and that we should get something to eat. I basically stalled until he took it as a no. After he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow. I wasn't finished fully making up my mind about not seeing him, plus I didn't have a reason not to go, so I agreed. We're having breakfast tomorrow, and we'll see what happens from there.

After we stopped talking in the morning (Actually early afternoon 'cause I slept in), we didn't talk all day, which is odd, but the weirdest thing is that I didn't feel a need to talk to him. Sure I thought about him, but no more than I did during the normal relationship, which is a significant difference. I'm not sure if this means I'm getting over it or I'm accepting it.

Here's the thing: He intends to date me again in the future, but it's not guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed. Honestly, that's the hardest part. I don't know if I should try to move on, or hold onto all the reasons why I love him.

Four) New Year's

Originally I wanted to spend New Year's with him. Even after it happened, we were still going to spend New Year's together. I imagined watching the count down and drinking apple cider, and sharing a New Year's kiss. I was so excited for that, but after it happened, I was more hesitant about spending that time with him. When it came to planning for New Year's Eve, I wanted him to plan because lately he's just been letting me choose what we do. It's nice, but it's weird because I'm so used to him deciding. He said go to San Jose, and was thinking about throwing a party like last year. My mom wouldn't let me, so when he said he was going to San Jose, I just said we should do our own thing, or we could hang out during the day. I made my own plans, and he made his plans.

I wasn't expecting to see him until 2011, but we ended up running errands on New Year's Eve together. His plan was to go to San Jose to celebrate his friend's birthday, and I was going to a party in Daly City then sleep at my friend's house. The party ended up being moved to San Carlos, and he ended up canceling San Jose to hang out with me. We were going to go to the movies, but I just wanted to watch a movie or two at his place.

I told him some things I missed. He said he missed them too. We got comfy, and I got to relive some of them.

I had a small break down. I was so confused. We're not together, but I still have these feelings for him. I miss him like crazy, and he misses me too. He told me to stop thinking, and enjoy the moment while it lasted. I struggled so much, and he could tell, but he was there for me. He held me, and I felt better- a lot better than I've felt in a while. Even though it just happened last night, I'm having a hard time remembering. I just remember how I felt, and how happy I was.

I watched the monitor, counting down from 10. Once it hit 0, I looked at him. There was a second or two of awkwardness. I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't know if that would be appropriate since we're just friends. We kissed.

When I was leaving, he walked me out, and we hugged goodbye- still awkwardly. I wanted a kiss. I looked at him, and he knew that's what I wanted. As he was about to say something, his dog ran out. That pretty much ruined everything because he got frustrated over it, and the parents ran to get him, and I just stood there. I said goodbye, and drove away.

I went to my friend's house, and I got to hang out with my friends. It was nice. Short (my fault), but nice. Couldn't help but think about him the whole time though. Went to dinner with the family, and thought about him some more. When I got home, I had to fight myself from texting him. Eventually I broke down and texted him. I wonder what he's thinking right now. I wonder if he's thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him.

We both miss each other. I feel like there should be some kind of solution. Honestly, I'm happy with how we are right now.. but I need the title. I need the reassurance. I need something to tell people. I'm sick of my parents asking me what our status is. We're not together. As much as it seems like we are, we aren't. I can definitely feel the difference, even if they can't see it.