One of those Days

Last night when I finally forced myself to sleep, it was hard. I searched for my aid- the thing he got me. I reached a comfy position, filled with happy memories (finally having a physical object to hold and think of him). I took a deep breath, and I couldn't smell it. I couldn't smell him. I tried again this morning. It's official, his scent is gone. He's gone.

It's just one of those days, I guess. the ones where I wake up and just feel sad. For some reason, I don't really think it's about him. If anything I should be happy about him since yesterday was a good day. I just feel sad in general. I'm going to have dinner with a group of close friends. I haven't seen them in a very long time, and I haven't told them anything. I'm happy to see them, but I'm not looking forward to telling them. What's horrible is this is the problem I'm going to have to face with everyone. I'm sure when I tell them, it won't be such a big deal, and I can brush it off. Hopefully I'll be able to do it without breaking down.

Third

Today I didn't expect to see him. I ended up seeing him. We made (actually decorated since it was premade) a gingerbread house, and had hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles. We also ordered new glasses frames for me. I know it's weird that I asked him to come, but I respect his opinion a lot, and he has good taste. He had dinner here, and we watched television and a movie. It was like old times. We shared a blanket, only this time we were on opposite sides of the couch. I couldn't help but look over and wonder if he missed being close. And just like every night before, I didn't want him to leave. It's hard to say goodbye. I awkwardly half-hug, afraid of giving him the intimate hug I want, knowing that there will be no kiss goodbye. This repeats every time.

Recently

12.26.10

My parents dropped what happened to my friend and her family. It makes me sad because honestly, I haven't told anyone besides Sophia and Twin. I had to go through an awkward thing where they questioned me about it. It was really weird. So I talked to my friend, pretty much about her problems, and I helped her out as much as I could. She talked and referenced her boyfriend a bunch of times. Kind of sad because I kept thinking about him, even without her references, but those made it worse. It was alright though, because it gave me the opportunity to talk about him and reminisce out loud. I feel weird when I reference him to anyone anymore. She knows that we still talk and hang out, and she said she was envious that it ended so well. I guess it did end well (in comparison to other people), but it still doesn't feel like it... it still ended. If I had it my way, we'd still be together.

I keep beating myself up for it. I made the decision to not eat with our friend. I'm the one that twisted the conversation and made it serious. If I didn't do that, it wouldn't have happened. At least not that night. I'm the reason why it ended when it did, and I'm still beating myself up for it, especially since I feel like this is one of the worst possible times for this to happen.

---

12.27.10

I sat at a table with four other people. Two were a couple, been together since high school, junior year. He's in the Air Force, and that is the only reason all of us were hanging out. One's been in his relationship since like, freshman year of high school. The other was single. It was an interesting dinner. My friend asked about my boyfriend, and I said he was good. They told me I should have brought him. I felt bad. I didn't tell them. I did the same when my family talked about him during Christmas.

The guy recently became single. I felt like telling him about what I've been going through, but I kept my mouth shut. It's weird though, because I wanted to open up to a person I don't know very well. I think it's just because I assumed we were going through the same thing, so maybe he's understand. I miss him. A lot. And maybe my friend misses her as much as I miss him.

We ran into some other people, and ended up going to my friend's house. Didn't do much though. Sat around listening to the guys play guitar. I was trying to think of common interests between my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn't think of much. Reminding me of him. We didn't have much in common. The guys left, I stayed to finish watching the movie. I saw my friend's cousin on the phone. I think it was her boyfriend, and my eavesdropping skills heard Tahoe trip. He was in Tahoe. I miss phone calls. I miss him.

It's hard missing him and not telling him. I've told him some stuff that went through my mind, but after I realized I went to a crazy point, I stopped. Since then it's been pretty bottled. It's been getting easier. I haven't broken down in a while, so I'm pretty good. But I do miss him. Right now, because we talk a lot, it doesn't seem like anything changed. It seems like we just had a big fight and now we're okay. It's weird when I come back to reality and I have to tell myself it's over, because essentially, I'm still thinking about him. I'm still telling him things that I wouldn't normally tell friends. I'm still offering him things I don't offer friends. I'm constantly fighting the urge to text him all the time.

Number Two

We were at the mall one time when a display caught my eye, and I automatically ran to it. I remember pointing it out, and being ecstatic. We must have been there for a good five-ten minutes, but then we had to go to back to the original reason we were at the mall. From that moment on, I completely forgot about it.

We exchanged presents today. He told me to guess what he got me, and I said hair straightener because he's been wanting me to have one since forever. I opened it really slow, and it ended up being the thing I saw in the mall. He told me to smell it and it smelled good- familiar. I asked him if this is what he smelled like, and he said yeah. He also got me a card that I had to wait until I got home to open. I'm touched he wrote a message in it.

I watched him play video games today, and even though I usually get bored when I watch people play video games, it was really fun to watch 'cause he's so entertaining and makes me laugh. I still find myself doing special things and taking care of him. I made a list of things he needed for Tahoe. While he was playing I wrote a three notes. I told him to turn around before so I could leave something in his bag. I left two in his bag and one in his boot. He knew what I was doing, and searched for the notes after I left. He texted me later and said he found it- the one in his boot. He doesn't know there are two more, and I hope he finds them over the trip and get surprised.

I know the way I talk about him. I know the way I think about it. In my head, it's like we're still together. Honestly, we text more than we did, but it's different, and even though it's hard for me, I know that. I know I can't tell him certain things. I know I can't kiss or hug him, or do all the other things I love. I can't tell him how much I think about him, how I feel about him, or how hard this is for me.

He leaves tomorrow morning, and that's why saying goodbye was especially hard today. I'm scared he won't come back, and he knows this. This Tahoe trip is dangerous, that's why my parents wouldn't let me go. I'm afraid for him. I'm scared out of my mind.

What I Imagined Break to be Like

Here's what I thought my break with him would be like:

• Christmas in the Park in San Jose
• Help decorate the Christmas tree and house (because he didn't cut the tree with us)
  
• Christmas dinner with my family, enjoying yummy food
  
• Opening presents with the family, him being able to celebrate Christmas with us
• Exchange Christmas presents
• Find mistletoe, and kiss under it
  
• Watch movies with my dad
• Tahoe with his family- seeing his reaction to snow, and going on my first "road trip" without parental supervision, getting to know his cousins more
• Bake, but more specifically, I really wanted to make gingerbread men, and sugar cookies with cookie cutters... and decorate them
  
• Make gingerbread houses, or more specifically graham cracker because they taste better and he doesn't like gingerbread
• Have him over for dinner as usual
  
• Drink hot chocolate with whipped cream and holiday sprinkles
• Pick out new glasses frames
  
• Visit that area that has all the Christmas lights- walk through it holding hands and drinking hot apple cider
• Visit Michael's to get thread & make friendship bracelets
• Spend New Year's with him, watch the countdown together with apple cider, and kiss when it hit midnight
• Cuddle while watching movies and TV in both his room & my family room
  
• Watching theater movies while holding hands, and just hold hands in general
  
• Play with Flip Flop, and end up triple spooning a lot
  
• Get dressed up and use the tickets that are still a surprise to him
• If it's not too cold, go on on of the Jen Drive dates I was planning
  
• Visit San Jose, hang out with our own friends, then end up going to the Drive-In
• Shop shop shop shop shop because I always need new clothes
  
• Sit/lay in his bed and watch him play his video games while I probably read or something
• Go out to Denny's, and finally order something from their dessert menu
• If the weather was warm enough, finally use the petal boats- long overdue
  
• Drive him around and be driven around and listen to music in the car
  

The list goes on and on, and it doesn't help that I keep thinking of new things to do.

The semester was so busy, all I wanted to do over break was catch up and be able to spend time with him. I'm not going to lie, these thoughts helped me get through the end of the semester... what sucks is even if I still do these things with him, they won't be the same, and we both know it.

Confession 19

Confession 19: Everything I do and see reminds me of him.

I know how pathetic it sounds and makes me look, but I can't help it. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but what I didn't know was how hard I'd take it. I thought it'd be difficult, but not nearly as difficult as it feels.

When I brush my teeth, I think of how he made fun of the way I held the toothbrush. I think about how I used the clock on the toilet to count how long I brushed. I think about how he always took forever to brush and brushed in his room while I watched from the bathroom. I think about how we made funny faces to each other while brushing our teeth- how I'd always burst out laughing, use the other mirror, and still see his reflection. I think about how he said I had bad breath, and how now I brush my tongue excessively and always chew gum and eat tic tacs. I remember how I'd blow a bubble, then see him in the corner of my eye trying to pop it- and not succeeding. I remember teaching him how to snap his gum, and how I started a horrible habit for him. More than anything, I think about that snapping noise that no one can replicate- his call for me. Every time I hear it, I turn around hoping it's him. I think about how last year he has a spare toothbrush in his drawer at my place, but only used it once or twice. I think about the spare toothbrush he gave me- Purple, Oral B, and how it's the one I use right now. I think about all those mornings I brushed my teeth in the kitchen, or those mornings where we'd sleep in and wouldn't brush our teeth until before dinner.

I try to take a deep breath, breathing through my mouth, and I think about all the times he covered my mouth, telling me I'm breathing too loud. I remember all the times I ate a tic tac, afraid my breath smelled bad, and switched to breathing through my nose. I think about all those times I'd lay in his arms, listening to his heart beat and his breathing. I think about the first time he laid on me- how foreign that feeling was. I think about how I could tell what he was thinking based on his heartbeat. More than anything, I remember how fast his heart always beat in comparison to mine. I think about how his eyes were always closed, and it always seemed like he was asleep, but he wasn't. I think about the way he woke me up, and how happy I was the one time he has coffee waiting for me. I think about how I always kissed him goodbye in the morning against his will. I always said goodbye. I think about those wake up calls he gave me. I think the about the wake up calls I gave him- the good morning and good night texts, and phone calls about nothing. I think about all those all-nighters he pulled, and all the times I tried to stay awake and keep him company, but ended up falling asleep. I think about how annoyed he got that I even tried. I think about the countless times he made fun of me for sleeping under the blanket, and how he said he couldn't understand how I could breathe. I think about his face, and how it makes me smile just thinking about it. I think about his blankets, and how no blanket is as comfortable as his or how he made any blanket comfortable.

Tears leave my eyes, and I think about the first time I saw him cry. I think about that moment, and how much it changed me. I think about the paper I wrote, and all the help me gave me. I think about the second time, and how I'll never forget a moment like that. I think about how shy I was, and how I was unable to express my feelings. More than anything, I think about the times we exchanged tears together. I was so scared of losing him- the first time I cried in front of someone- how ashamed I felt, but how safe I was once we reached an embrace. The last time we cried, how I couldn't bear to look at him. He tried to hold me. I wanted to get away, but when I finally did, I didn't realize how much I needed him. I should have held onto him when he held me.

I am so stressed,

and I feel like I have absolutely no time. There's not enough hours in a day. I'm sick of spending all my free time doing and typing interviews when I'm taking breaks from doing research and when I'm not practicing for my dance midterm. (Which I freakin' screwed up, and it was all my fault. Stop reminding me. I'm hard enough on myself). I'm so tired and exhausted, I just want a peaceful sleep, and as much as I am excited for this weekend, I can't be because I know how much work I have to do in the next few weeks.

I hate that I skipped AACF this week because I know how important it if for me to keep attending. I already feel live I've lost so much, I can't afford to lost my relationship with God too. I've already been feeling it slip away. I guess I can give up my hopes of finally finding a church in San Jose.

I'm so behind in Meteorology. We're on chapter 6, my midterm is on Wednesday, and I haven't even began to review, plus let's be honest, I absolutely need to get a 100% to raise my grade since I didn't do as good as I would liked to on my last quiz. On the plus side, I have all perfects on my homework assignments.

Creative Writing is still somewhat enjoyable. The poetry assignment was hard, but in a good way because I liked the challenge, and what I liked about it was that it was only like, a night of stress. Then it was gone. We have a 8-12 page and a 500 word fiction piece, and I'm not creative, so I still have no idea what I'm going to write about.

Sociology 80 is one fat disappointment. It was supposed to be my "fun" class to see if I wanted to go into Sociology for sure or not, and at least I know I don't want to do it. I hate it. The reading are boring (when I do them), and none of them catch my attention. The only topic I had a little bit of an interest in was the Asian American one, but we barely even covered that in class. We have an essay due on Thursday, and I have to catch up on readings before I can even write the paper. He expects so much out of the paper too, it's ridiculous. & OMG, my teacher. I don't like him. He's boring and he doesn't catch my attention. Even if I do the readings, I honestly can't follow anything in class. I feel stupid. He's really passionate about what he teaches, and he wants us to learn, but honestly? I'm not trying to change the world. I just want to see if I want to major in Sociology. I don't even need this class as a GE 'cause I already took it! It's so frustrating, and I didn't have enough units to drop it anyways. & he said we should be concerned if he doesn't know our names. He doesn't know my name!But is it my fault for not talking if I'm not interested in the subject at all?

Dance class is alright. Used to be more of a stress relief, now I'm just pissed at myself. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but seriously? I can't help it. Ugh. It's my partner for my midterm last semester, our routine was so basic it wasn't even funny, and to follow a good group. Horrible thing is that we had a really good routine, and put a lot of time into it, and I screwed it up. If I knew I was going to screw it up, I would have not spent so much time on it. I have other crap I have to do! Plus he said he saw the look on my face, like I was super unconfident, and he said that he knew I was going to mess up. Then he mentioned that he offered more practice yesterday, but I had stuff to do. SCHOOL stuff. This it too much time for one unit class. I'm behind on my homework's too, and the only time I can go to lessons is on Thursdays, but I keep skipping because I'm always doing last minute APhiO stuff.

Someone needs to tell me why the heck I'm taking two English classes, seriously. In reality it's all my fault 'cause I signed up for it. 1B is killing me 'cause I realized I don't like my teacher 'cause he has his good days and his bad days, and I've yet to write anything I even would want to submit to him. I've bombed all the in class essays I've written. & what the heck, I just really don't like that class. I bet just from the work that I've submitted that I look like a complete idiot who doesn't even belong in 1B. I miss my 1A teacher. She cared about her students. I feel like this guy doesn't care. & I'm so lost on my research paper, and I'm at the stage where I can't BS a research anymore. I'm in 1B now, it's getting serious. & what the heck, the teacher doesn't even tell us how he wants his stuff, then he gets mad when we do it wrong. He's too intimidating.

APhiO stuff is taking so much time, it's not even funny. I know I said I wanted to get to know my pledge brothers and sisters, but this is just getting ridiculous. Typing is so much work because I'm a bad worker and it takes me forever. I'm not even caught up, and it's 12, and they're due at 630 tonight, but I didn't have time to do it because I had research and other homework. I don't even know anymore. Why am I pledging? I don't like how I'm busy basically every weekend. As far as all the requirements, I'm on top of those, except dates with my buddies. Speaking of my buddies, am I the only one kind of sad at that? Like... I guess I was hoping that I'd get a really nice connection, but I haven't. My Phi buddy is really really nice though, and I really want to spend time with her, but I've been too busy for a date. As far as my Big. I think I know who it is, but I don't want to say anything because I'm not too thrilled. I know I didn't really have like... any one that I put down under preference, but I'm kind of bummed, honestly. I'm kind of sad that I haven't gotten anything from my big. I don't even need like, a present or something. I'd just like a secret note or something. I remember Jenn's Big got her stuff, and Sophia's Big talked to her and got to know her before BSR. Maybe I'm just comparing too much. Or maybe I'm just disappointed that the one thing I was really really really excited about for APhiO was getting a Big, and I guess I just haven't gotten any of my expectations. That's what I get for having expectations though.

I haven't seen China in weeks, and that really upsets me. I haven't seen the old gang in a long time, and I never spend time with them anymore. I don't even think all of them know I'm pledging. I haven't talked to Mel in forever, or the Fellow Five. I haven't seen my Creating a Meaningful Life friends in forever, and I still haven't sent a letter out this year. I don't have any time, and what I hate it when people totally submerge themselves with one group of people. Am I going to turn into one of those? I'm only going to be with APhiO people? That's so ridiculous to me. And what about my boyfriend? It's unfair to him that I'm so busy. It's unfair to us. I miss him.

Kevin's right. I'm spreading myself too thin. Honestly, Ive been forgetting to eat too.

Overwhemling.

Ice cold chills slide down my slouched back
Like a horrible wake from reality
This moment in time stops like a watch
Out of batteries.
My heart throbs. My stomach aches.
I'm full of choices, but lost in decisions. Am I making the right one?
Coldness fills my body,
Creeping from my toes to my arms, so completely unbearable.
I shake as I write. Uncontrollable- like my thoughts bursting, an overstuffed pillow;
Completely useless and unwanted. Unrecognizable for what it is.
Fix me.
Save me. Quick, before I die from all this indecisiveness.
Overwhelming.

9/16/10
Free Verse

Open Wound

I anxiously await the moment. Quick
Arrive! Before my heart untangles more
Vital organ, filled with no politic
Just lead the way that represents allure.

For you, a thousand suns presented strong
If only I could offer you much more
Unless my mind has tricked me and gone wrong
Nothing more would be worse except for tore,

One straight through my heart for the world to see
A tea that's deep, of canyon proportion
So bearing the pair of eyes watching me
Unable taking pain, big distortion

Equality thought trade does not seem fair
Especially to my heart. I can't bear.

9/22/10
Iambic Pentameter - English Sonnet

Nightingale

I want to be a love sick nightingale
So beautiful and captivating through
Some statue, wings with feathers, sparkling eyes.
They're thrown into a love so passionate,
I just become so envious of them.
They're unafraid to dive into the deep
Ocean, completely filled with waves so huge,
So prone to disaster- a heart that breaks
And never beats to live another life.
Instead I hide consumed with morbid fear,
Restraining all my heart's deepest desire
How lucky is the nightingale, truly
Seen fearless through endeavors of the heart.

9/21/10
Iambic Pentameter - Blank Verse

His Eyes

His eyes are everything
I remember that night. His eyes linked
Onto mine, filled with an absent look, as if his body
Was replaced by a lioness
About to attack her prey.
All humanity disappears, and all that's left is skin.
Those eyes burn through my flesh, my
Heart knowing what them meant.
If only the look was different,
I would love it
Because if I love it, I'd love him
And we'd live happily ever after
Without those bloodshot eyes.

9/21/10
Free Verse

Absolutely Nothing.

What the f/ck is wrong with you today? Why are you acting like such a b/tch? Are you PMSing or something?

What else is there to say? Absolutely nothing.

Confessions 5-11.0

Confession (5): I don't know anything about my life anymore.

Confession (6): Before I held everything inside, and never told anything to anyone. Now life is so crazy that I need to talk to people... and I really don't like that, but I it does bring me closer to others.

Confession (7): Before, I was never one to cry. Now I find myself crying more and more often.
Confession (8): I still cringe at the fact that I'm admitting to crying.

Confession (9): I haven't been as restless as I was last night in a really long time. I should make myself sleep now; I'm functioning on about 1 hour of sleep, but for some reason, I feel alright.

Confession (10): I both love and hate that all I have to do is say "I'm tired" to stop people from questioning my behavior.

Confession (11): Honestly, I'm an emotional wreck right now.

Tumblr

So I made a Tumblr, mainly because Mel gave me an excuse to make one, haha. I don't exactly know what this is going to mean for my blog. I think this will be more personal, where as my Tumblr will be more lightweight stuff. Although I am debating on taking this link off of Facebook.

Suggestions?

Confessions 2-4.0

Confession (2): I never know how to react when people tell me I'm always happy.... and/or fake.

This happens constantly, believe me. I guess it started in high school, and whenever people tell me this, I tell them I'm not. But you know what? What's the point of trying to disprove them? They're already set in their ways. Just know that I'm not always happy. No one is ever always happy. I have my moments where I'm sad or mad, or straight-up depressed. I just hate showing negative emotions.

So technically speaking, if I hide my negative emotions, I guess that could come off as being fake. In all honestly... it's just that people don't know me well enough. If you're close to me and you spend enough time with me, you'll be able to see the difference. Don't be offended if you don't see it. When it comes down to it, I really am a happy person. I do find utter happiness in the simplest of things, and I do strive to be content with my life .

Confession (3): It's really hard to get close to me, as crazy as it seems. Kevin's word for it is... being a surface friend, or something like that involving the word surface. I tend to be close to people on only a surface level, but when it comes to a personal level, it's one-sided. I don't open up to very many people. In reality, it's all my fault, and I acknowledge that.

Sure, a lot of the things I just mentioned are stuff I'd never say out loud, but like I said, I'm getting out of my comfort level. That's what all these confessions are going to help me do.

One more confession (4): Making these types of posts really do make me nervous about what the people that read this are thinking, but I'm trying to remember that it shouldn't matter. Why should it matter what these people are thinking? And if people out there are looking at me differently, well at least they're looking at more of the real me than they saw before.

Honestly, I have no idea where I'm going with all these confessions, or these posts. All I know is this is just like allowing someone to read my journal. & as I said before, I'm alright with that. & originally I wanted to post each confession individually, but these just kind of poured out.

Confession 12-18

Confession (12): If something's really really bugging me, I have no one to talk to. Sure, I have some other people, but when it comes down to it, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I know what they're going to say, so I don't bother talking to them.

Confession (13): Honestly, I wish something would happen to me when I walk home alone at 3AM, just to see if he would care.

Confession (14): I don't want to use the word love because then it would officially let me know what I already know... and let it be known to the person it most matters to.

Confession (15): I hate the "Photo Memories" side bar on Facebook because I take a look at it, and get really sad about some of those pictures.

Confession (16): I still text him when something's bugging me, and it calms me even though we don't talk about it and we're unable to hold a serious conversation. We both have no idea what's going on in each other's lives, but for some reason, I find comfort just in getting a text back from him.

Confession (17): I feel like lately I can't get my point across unless I swear because all my words aren't powerful enough. I still haven't sworn.

Confession (18): I hate hate hate the fact that I don't keep a journal anymore, especially since so much has happened since I stopped.

Note: I had part of this saved as a draft, so I just went with it. Actually posted: 10/3/10

Confession 1.0

Photo by Jen Wong

Confession: Sometimes I leave my journal out because I want people to read my private thoughts and see if they'll look at me differently or because when I write them, I write them as if I'm writing a letter to a specific person. My journal holds the words I wish I was able to tell certain people... sometimes. Other times, it's just things I need to write out or I'll go crazy.

So am I crazy for wanting people to read my inner thoughts? I guess it's because I know I'll never have the guts to tell them these things in real life. & as for those extremely secret things I don't want anyone knowing... well those don't go in my journal. They don't go anywhere.

I decided to start posting confessions after reading those blogs where people can anonymously post confessions. Why keep it a secret? Probably the same reason I don't tell people my thoughts. But y0u know what? I'm trying to face my fears and try new things. So hello world full of nosey people, these are my confessions.

Clutter

Photo by Jen Wong

Although the idea of the future scares the crap out of me, there is one thing that I look forward to so much- having my own place. I love love love places like Ikea so I can check out how rooms are decorated and designed, and magazines! & I love really nice-looking houses. If you're ever in a car with me, you've had to hear at least one comment about a house come out of my mouth. I'm really excited to decorate my own place, and keep it organized.

For those of you that don't know, my house is a mess. It's not exactly decorated trendy, and we're basically pack rats. We have everything and anything, and it definitely shows throughout our house. It's a mess, and I'm willing to admit it. I swear the whole family knows, but my parents both work a lot, so it's not like they'd clean it & I don't think my brother really cares. & as for me, well whenever I do decide to organize something, no one follows my system and it gets messed up, so I just stop trying.

So with all that being said, you'd think that my room is super neat & organized or something, but sadly, no. In fact, my room is a total mess right now, and I would like to address that.

I heard somewhere that when your desk is cluttered, you have a cluttered mind, or something along those lines. I do have to admit... it's typically true. I feel so much better when my room is clean/decent. Right now, it looks as if a tornado hit it because I've really had no time to clean and organize in, and I do have to say that my mind is completely, fully, and utterly cluttered. Here's the thing: my mind is so cluttered that I can't even reach the stage where I'd even start to clean my room... or start to address all the thoughts in my head. I spent all of today basically sitting in my bed, looking at my room as if it were going to clean itself. (Not to mention trying to prevent my nightmare thoughts from taking over my life).

I really need to declutter both my room, and my life. Anyone want to help?

Hermits

her·mit n.

1. A person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse.

2. A spiced cookie made with molasses, raisins, and nuts.

A lot of people ask me if I'm a jealous person, and honestly I'm not so sure, but I am sure of one thing right now: I am jealous of hermits (at least at this point in time). Hermits are lucky because they don't have to deal with the drama of other people, they just go away from everyone and live happy lives with themselves.

I'm sure most people reading this would wonder why. Why, Jen? Why are you envious of hermits? Why would you ever be?
Hear me out. They're brave. They're independent. They're ABLE to cut themselves off from people. I would die if I were a hermit.

It's horrible that I'm jealous of hermits, but sometimes I can't help but be. I'd love to be able to stop talking to people and still be content with my life. Instead, I'm Jen- the social butterfly that talks all the time and is always hanging out with people. I never really realized that I want (or maybe even need) someone around me all the time. At least in college. At least in high school. At least in middle school. But never at home- until now. Now I've found myself unable to be in my own house alone. Now I've found myself needing someone around me. Maybe it's all this stuff with B in the hospital, or maybe it's that I've finally reached a crazy level. So what does this mean? Am I officially a clingy person? I have to have someone around me? Or maybe it means that I suffocate my friends. Or maybe it means that I'm using my friends.

Sad thing is that I'm was pretty content with being alone for the longest time. Now, after I've gotten home from college, I've realized how much time I spent with other people. Now life is boring without someone here, even if we're not doing anything. Sad thing is, I've pretty much lost a sense of wanting to go out and be with other people. Instead, I've just been spending time with Kevin doing nothing.

Irony. Now that I've realized I need someone around, I've completely stopped calling or texting people to hang out. I just don't want to be with people, even though I need it.

One of these days, I feel like I'm going to suddenly break down and cry in front of someone. One of these days, I feel like I'm going to stop responding to people's texts or calls. One of these days, I feel like I'm going to leave without say bye or why.
One of these days, I feel like no one will notice.

/Emo.

Funny how I can post stuff like this, but only few people (if any) see me like this.

So what will happen when I get my license? Will I run errands, drive without a destination, go on countless shopping trips by myself? Will I call anyone and everyone, creating fun memories? Or will I just be driving to & from Kevin's house to do nothing?
Soon we'll see what happens. I'm going to take my behind the wheel test in eight days.

/More Emo.

Sandwiches

Photo by Jen Wong

I'm very tempted to make a sandwich just to take a picture of a sandwich for my blog. After some thinking, I decided that doing that would be a little weird. Instead, here's a picture of a deviled egg. I made some deviled eggs yesterday because I was bored.

Do you like sandwiches?

I guess it's a weird question to ask a person, but I guess it's been on my mind a lot. I don't really like sandwiches unless they're deli made, or someone makes it & it's super yummy. I also don't put cheese in my sandwiches. Am I really that strange? I know the topic seems pretty off, but as I was making sandwiches for Kevin the other day, I had a realization. Is a sandwich like a resume?

A person has their name & contact info- the two pieces of bread. From there, the person adds their education, work experience, extra curricular activities, and references- meat, cheese, vegetables, condiments. Each sandwich is different, and only certain sandwiches stand out. Does that mean each one of us are employers? Employers pick employees based on what's in their sandwich. This kind of scares me. Does that mean there are people there they won't pick me because of my resume? Because I'm a crappy sandwich? I have nothing good to put in my sandwich, and it's really sad because one day I'll have to get a job- a real job.

Speaking of jobs, I have orientation again for my summer job at the uniform store this week. I'm kind of nervous I guess, but so much has changed this past year, and I'm going to try my best this summer. If you've followed my blog from the beginning, I mention a lot of my insecurities at work, but I really want to change this summer. I'll be different. I'll succeed this time. I also had a realization that I need money. I feel kind of stupid for saying that & thinking that, because technically I really don't need money. I really hate how materialistic some people are, and I'm afraid I'm just turning into another one of those people. Money's been on my mind a lot though, but I'll save those thoughts for another entry.

It Takes Two to (Swing) Dance

Photo by Jen Wong

Here's a picture of gingerbread men! Why, you ask? Well look at them! There's two of them! I know what you're thinking. 'Why is the number two so significant?' Well, in swing dance, two people dance, and today's topic of the day is Swing Dance! It makes sense, right? I hope it does 'cause I really had no idea what kind of picture to post up.

So this semester I took Swing Dance at 830AM! Yikes! I don't recommend taking an 830 class unless you know you'll make it to class. When I first took the class, it was okay. I enjoyed it, but I just got so intimidated by my classmates. Everyone (and I mean everyone) seemed to know what they were doing, and I was just struggling to keep up with the class. I guess I found out that I enjoy dancing, but I'm not very good at it, and I'm a slow learner. It makes me sad because I really, really hate being bad at things.

Anyways, when because I wasn't really good, I ended up skipping class... a lot more than I should have. Here's a tip: if you're taking a dance class, don't skip two days in a row, seriously. It killed me. At one point I skipped over two weeks of class, and I missed basically all of the Lindy Hop (Which just so happened to be my favorite. Sad Jen.) Anyways, because I missed class so much and I really didn't like it very much, I didn't even have a partner for my midterm! Luckily, some guy was looking for a partner via email, so I emailed him and got a partner that way. & we both skipped class a lot, go figure.

When it came to the final, I ended up partnering with Taylor when I saw him at a dance lesson outside of class. We weren't too bad, if I do say so myself. Anyways, we did West Coast Swing, which is a really laid back dance. It's supposed to look really relaxed, and the dancers just kind of walk the steps. Bud told us to pretend we were the coolest people in the room. We danced to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. Anyways, here's our dance final! We got 100% on it! Bud said he knew how much work we put into it.

Bucket List

Photo by Jen Wong

I really want some cotton candy right now. Yum yum yum. Happy Summer!

For Creating a Meaningful Life (Name of a class, and if you go to SJSU, you should take it with Philly Toney. LOVED the class), we had to create a bucket list and present it to the class in a creative way. I put all of mine on index cards, and put them in a photo album with pictures I took representing everything on my list. I got an A+ on the project, and I'm super proud of it! Ask to see it, and I will definitely show it to you. Here's a few of my favorite things on my list:

1. Kiss someone in the rain, get sick with that person, and bond over chicken noodle soup
2. Fill a bottle of water from the Pacific Ocean and empty it into the Atlantic Ocean
3. Throw paper planes containing my troubles
4. Go to Paris, purchase two baguettes, and have a baguette battle in front of the Eiffel Tower
5. Be a regular somewhere so that when I enter, the staff will greet me, and I'll say, "I'll have my usual"

I had so much fun working on this project- the most fun I've ever had with anything school-related! I loved it, and I loved this class. I found that most of the things on my list were really random little things. When I was sharing my list with Kevin, he said that so many things on my list were scenes from a movies. What can I say? I'm a sucker for cute cliche things.

Mature Flower

Image by Jen Wong

I'm not 'gonna lie. I constantly relate my life to flowers.

When a flower is young, you can tell. It's a small little bud, but as it grows older and matures, the flower is open, bright, and welcoming (in some cases). Humans, on the other hand, are so much more complicated. So here's the question: How can you tell when a person is mature?

I'm immature. I've known this since forever, and I guess it never really did bug me until right now because I've always known that when the situation called for, I can be mature. It's funny, when I think about it, because my maturity level changes a lot. I can be mature when the situation calls for maturity, but I still enjoy being immature and enjoying life in really stupid, immature ways, because those are the most fun.

What is the definition of mature anyways? Aren't there a bunch of different categories? Physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. If that's the case, how can you tell when a person is completely mature? Young people always strive to look and act older than their age by wearing make up and heels and tight-fitting clothes, but half of me thinks that it's just today's generation. So young people try to look and act older, but why? I just don't understand it. Why would a person want to be older? Eventually everyone has to get older, so why not strive to be younger?

Most of the time when I am being immature, or being like a little kid, I really am unaware of it. I just act like how I normally would, but later I realize how much I stand out.

Why are you trying to hard to fit in, when you are born to stand out?

- What a Girl Wants

Isn't it good to stand out though? Isn't is sad how society forces young people to act older than they usually are? My actions, my behavior, and physical appearance seem to go against what's socially acceptable today, and before now, it never irked me. I enjoyed standing out because... well, I just always thought it would be boring to grow up. Even at 18, I feel like life has gotten noticeably boring.

So I guess it just means that society is forcing me to finally grow up. When I think about it though, college in general has forced me to grow up quite a lot. Sure, I'm no where near the same level as some of the people I know, but I'm getting there slowly.

My Facebook says "I haven't grown up, and I don't look forward to the day", but I feel like it should say, "Slowing growing up, but savoring every second of being young" or something along those lines. But never fear, I intend to be just like my rain boots - a good balance of cuteness and maturity (Even if I'm the only one that think they're mature).

Image by Jen Wong

Rainy Days & Sundays

Image by Jen Wong

Things I love about the rain:

1. The window fills with raindrops & they dance along the window in front of my eyes
   
2. The little ripple effect the raindrops have on puddles
3. Splashing in puddle & Prancing around in rain boots
4. Imagining romantic scenes in the rain
5. Seeing people share (umbrellas)
6. Dancing in the rain
   
7. Knowing that even the most optimistic people have sad days too
8. Keeping dry & warm & drinking hot beverages (tea, water, hot chocolate)
9. Thinking (It seems to come more natural when it rains)
10. Colorful umbrellas & rain boots
11. Adventures! Like the one I had with Mel! (Wow, I feel so proud of myself for linking something/one. Aren't you proud of me, Mel?) & Getting ICE CREAM SUNDAYS!
    
12. When it hails & it looks like it snows
13. Comfy & warm (& dry!) clothes
    
14. Brightening people's days
15. Wearing bright colors
    

Things I don't love about rain:

1. People can't see my bring colors under all my layers
   
2. Some people have no where to go
   
3. Car accidents.
   
4. Walking around in wet clothing
   
5. Everyone seems to be in a rush & looks super sad
   
6. Waking up in the morning & getting out of bed
7. Getting sick

I'm heading back to San Jose on Sunday & I'm really excited! I know how dorky it sounds, but I really am. I'm not excited for the school part. In fact, I am really scared because last semester I didn't do very well. Don't worry, I know what I'm supposed to do now (maybe that's what I'm worried about). Hopefully this semester will still be fun. Either way, I'm excited to be surrounded by people. I'm really excited to meet new people and hopefully gain some new friends. I love the beginning of a new semester! I'll post up some goals as the time gets closer. Until then, I'll just stay excited.

There's something about the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow on the pavement
Taylor Swift - Fearless

Poem Poser

Image by Jen Wong

Already Gone

I knew this was going to happen.
I had a talk with myself
I knew it & accepted it
Slowly, for some reason I changed my mind
I thought,
'You know what? You're wrong.
They care about you
You were in in their lives so much
that you can't possibly be forgotten.
They love you. They'll never disappear.
They'll try to contact you, so be strong when they do.
You're the one that will push them away.'
I was right before those thoughts
They're gone, never tried anything.
Sad to say that they'll probably pretend it never happened.
They don't care that I was mad
They don't know that I was mad.
They don't care that I moved on
They never knew I was mad.
They are them.
They will always be them.
Don't tell me to move on because I already have.
(I wish I was a better liar)
The future is what worries me
I've trained myself not to tell them these details in my life
They accepted it, they don't care
They told me just enough
And yet...
I am last to know anything
I'm last because I'm not there
I disappeared.
I'm gone.
Everyone wishes to disappear.
When it happens, people regret it.
As for me, who cares?
I'm already gone.
1/10/10

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all the memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

When I was in 4th grade, I decided I wanted to be a poet. I thought I was just so amazing for writing:
Teacher teacher likes to teach
She also likes to reach
Every time she gets a peach
I know, I was such a genius. In middle school, I got a poem published, and gave a speech about poetry. Whatever happened to me as a poet? I retired (not really). Here's the truth: I don't really know how to write poems. I know, I fail. Joanna told me that sometimes I write in a poem style though. Who knows if I'm really a poet or not. I just like pressing the "Enter" button. That's me, the poem poser.

Smile-Worthy

This morning Mom made me smile, and I just knew that today was going to be a good day. I was right. Today was great. I think optimism is taking over my life, but let me tell you one thing. I don't care. Everything is just smile-worthy.

Little Things That Made Jen Smile Today

• Mom reminding me of her kindness & compassion
• The Fellow Five. Bonding time, spending time together laughing about nothing & enjoying life
• Trisha's face, no lie. Compliment, Missy. Compliment.
  
• Seeing a stranger drop a penny. When I tried to return it, she just handed it to me & gave me an extremely genuine smile
• Hello Kitty (Got my Hello Kitty fix at the downtown store. Love. & They were playing "That's What You Get"!)
• Dropping my Jamba giftcard, then seeing a little girl pick it up & return it to me. Kids are some of the kindest people in the world. It's great to see that kindness through someone
  
• The work ethic (Is that the right word?) of a Starbucks employee (Even though he was no Tim or Elizabeth)
• Grande light iced chai tea latte with soy milk. Sorry Tully's, but it's totally better from Starbucks. Why yes, my name is Trisha. Thank you for noticing.
  

Image by Jen Wong

• Film & digital cameras at Urban Outfitters & DIY photo book. I have no idea how long I was there, but it was worth all the time. Love.

Image by Jen Wong

• Drunk list & shot glasses
• Learning to boo UCLA & cheer for USC
• Awesome wallet. No lie.
  

Image by Jen Wong

• Motorcyclist that completely matched his motorcycle. He blasted music without a care in the world & seemed to hold so much confidence
• Friendly tourists. They have so much joy in everything & view things from a completely different perspective
• Walking by nice music, but having no idea what the songs are. Music can stop a person dead in their tracks, literally
  
• Paying youth fare on the bus
• Strangers' selfless love towards others & heroic actions! A man jumped down onto the train tracks to get a lady's cell phone
• An old Asian couple. They were sitting next to each other, showing love that gravitated towards me. They weren't holding hands, but it was in the way they talked to each other that I knew they loved each other (Remember I can't understand anythings besides English)
• Taxis, Yellow cars, Out of state license plates, and Jump-for-Funs
• Being welcomed into a house!
• Joanna being Joanna
• Jenn's old-school toy collected. Toy Story, Rugrats, Mulan, Classic-vintage Hello Kitty. So much fun just to be a little kid again

Image by Jen Wong

Image by Jen Wong

• The noise old keyboards make. It's like taking a trip back in time
• The decorated house with the Friendship Bench
  
• Lydia's happiness. Believe me when I say how genuine it is.
• Adventurous drinks. Blueberry Milk Tea
• Memories from way-back when
  
• Rockband. That's What You Get & Chop Suey (Ran out of time for BYOB)

Maybe I should make Smile-Worthy lists more often. I really enjoyed this. & never fear, I won't write as much next time. I got way carried away because today was such a great day. & sorry it's photo heavy, but trust me. I took way more pictures than this.

& Urban Outfitters is a pretty cool store. Sure, I've been in there a few times, but I guess I just headed straight to the clothes. Their other stuff is madd (with two D's) cool. I have to say those cameras stole a chunk of my heart. Sorry, Future Husband.

Ready or Not

Image by Jen Wong

Nathan & I went to Christmas in the park before leaving San Jose. I was supposed to blog about it, plus Christmas and a whole list of things, but finals and life got the better of me & no entries. Sorry about that. Maybe I'll get to it later. I'm not making any promises.

I keep looking at the fact that it's January 1, 2010 and I still can't process the information. 2009 just past. What to say, what to say? I graduated high school and started college. I've completely been erased from people's lives and I've made my way into others' lives. I've learned so much and I know absolutely nothing. 2009 has been filled with ups and downs, and many experiences that I'm not sure what to make of. Despite all the polar opposites, 2009 was a pretty good year.

If I only learned one thing in 2009 it's this, no matter how temporary relationships with other people are, the ones who love me will stick.
Life is short. I have no problem admitting that. Life is short. Tell people how you feel because tomorrow they may disappear. If you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you lived your life?

Whether you're ready or not, 2010 is here.

Image by Jen Wong

So here's to 2010. (20-10 is supposed to be the correct way of stating it). May 2010 bring just as many, if not more life lessons than 2009. May it bring great friendships and life-changing experiences. May it bring exactly what each & every one of us needs in our life. May it cause us to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every opportunity we get.