Confession 19

Confession 19: Everything I do and see reminds me of him.

I know how pathetic it sounds and makes me look, but I can't help it. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but what I didn't know was how hard I'd take it. I thought it'd be difficult, but not nearly as difficult as it feels.

When I brush my teeth, I think of how he made fun of the way I held the toothbrush. I think about how I used the clock on the toilet to count how long I brushed. I think about how he always took forever to brush and brushed in his room while I watched from the bathroom. I think about how we made funny faces to each other while brushing our teeth- how I'd always burst out laughing, use the other mirror, and still see his reflection. I think about how he said I had bad breath, and how now I brush my tongue excessively and always chew gum and eat tic tacs. I remember how I'd blow a bubble, then see him in the corner of my eye trying to pop it- and not succeeding. I remember teaching him how to snap his gum, and how I started a horrible habit for him. More than anything, I think about that snapping noise that no one can replicate- his call for me. Every time I hear it, I turn around hoping it's him. I think about how last year he has a spare toothbrush in his drawer at my place, but only used it once or twice. I think about the spare toothbrush he gave me- Purple, Oral B, and how it's the one I use right now. I think about all those mornings I brushed my teeth in the kitchen, or those mornings where we'd sleep in and wouldn't brush our teeth until before dinner.

I try to take a deep breath, breathing through my mouth, and I think about all the times he covered my mouth, telling me I'm breathing too loud. I remember all the times I ate a tic tac, afraid my breath smelled bad, and switched to breathing through my nose. I think about all those times I'd lay in his arms, listening to his heart beat and his breathing. I think about the first time he laid on me- how foreign that feeling was. I think about how I could tell what he was thinking based on his heartbeat. More than anything, I remember how fast his heart always beat in comparison to mine. I think about how his eyes were always closed, and it always seemed like he was asleep, but he wasn't. I think about the way he woke me up, and how happy I was the one time he has coffee waiting for me. I think about how I always kissed him goodbye in the morning against his will. I always said goodbye. I think about those wake up calls he gave me. I think the about the wake up calls I gave him- the good morning and good night texts, and phone calls about nothing. I think about all those all-nighters he pulled, and all the times I tried to stay awake and keep him company, but ended up falling asleep. I think about how annoyed he got that I even tried. I think about the countless times he made fun of me for sleeping under the blanket, and how he said he couldn't understand how I could breathe. I think about his face, and how it makes me smile just thinking about it. I think about his blankets, and how no blanket is as comfortable as his or how he made any blanket comfortable.

Tears leave my eyes, and I think about the first time I saw him cry. I think about that moment, and how much it changed me. I think about the paper I wrote, and all the help me gave me. I think about the second time, and how I'll never forget a moment like that. I think about how shy I was, and how I was unable to express my feelings. More than anything, I think about the times we exchanged tears together. I was so scared of losing him- the first time I cried in front of someone- how ashamed I felt, but how safe I was once we reached an embrace. The last time we cried, how I couldn't bear to look at him. He tried to hold me. I wanted to get away, but when I finally did, I didn't realize how much I needed him. I should have held onto him when he held me.