Recently

12.26.10

My parents dropped what happened to my friend and her family. It makes me sad because honestly, I haven't told anyone besides Sophia and Twin. I had to go through an awkward thing where they questioned me about it. It was really weird. So I talked to my friend, pretty much about her problems, and I helped her out as much as I could. She talked and referenced her boyfriend a bunch of times. Kind of sad because I kept thinking about him, even without her references, but those made it worse. It was alright though, because it gave me the opportunity to talk about him and reminisce out loud. I feel weird when I reference him to anyone anymore. She knows that we still talk and hang out, and she said she was envious that it ended so well. I guess it did end well (in comparison to other people), but it still doesn't feel like it... it still ended. If I had it my way, we'd still be together.

I keep beating myself up for it. I made the decision to not eat with our friend. I'm the one that twisted the conversation and made it serious. If I didn't do that, it wouldn't have happened. At least not that night. I'm the reason why it ended when it did, and I'm still beating myself up for it, especially since I feel like this is one of the worst possible times for this to happen.

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12.27.10

I sat at a table with four other people. Two were a couple, been together since high school, junior year. He's in the Air Force, and that is the only reason all of us were hanging out. One's been in his relationship since like, freshman year of high school. The other was single. It was an interesting dinner. My friend asked about my boyfriend, and I said he was good. They told me I should have brought him. I felt bad. I didn't tell them. I did the same when my family talked about him during Christmas.

The guy recently became single. I felt like telling him about what I've been going through, but I kept my mouth shut. It's weird though, because I wanted to open up to a person I don't know very well. I think it's just because I assumed we were going through the same thing, so maybe he's understand. I miss him. A lot. And maybe my friend misses her as much as I miss him.

We ran into some other people, and ended up going to my friend's house. Didn't do much though. Sat around listening to the guys play guitar. I was trying to think of common interests between my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn't think of much. Reminding me of him. We didn't have much in common. The guys left, I stayed to finish watching the movie. I saw my friend's cousin on the phone. I think it was her boyfriend, and my eavesdropping skills heard Tahoe trip. He was in Tahoe. I miss phone calls. I miss him.

It's hard missing him and not telling him. I've told him some stuff that went through my mind, but after I realized I went to a crazy point, I stopped. Since then it's been pretty bottled. It's been getting easier. I haven't broken down in a while, so I'm pretty good. But I do miss him. Right now, because we talk a lot, it doesn't seem like anything changed. It seems like we just had a big fight and now we're okay. It's weird when I come back to reality and I have to tell myself it's over, because essentially, I'm still thinking about him. I'm still telling him things that I wouldn't normally tell friends. I'm still offering him things I don't offer friends. I'm constantly fighting the urge to text him all the time.