Forgettable Wallflower

Although I only have a handful of readers, I think about everything I post on here for at least twenty-four hours before I post it (Tonight being an exception). For some reason, I need to reassure myself that someone, anyone who may randomly find my page will find what I talk about to be the least bit interesting. Sorry to disappoint everyone. My words/thoughts aren't really interesting, but I like to share them anyways.

Image by Jen Wong

Flowers are both lucky & unlucky.
Think about it, will you? Flowers get to know who they will live with for the rest of their lives. It's impossible for them to get divorced. They get to live nice, colorful lives in the sun and get appreciated by people. They are care-free. Flowers don't have to worry about school and friends. They don't need to socialize because they already know their soul mates. Flowers live drug-free and alcohol-free lives. Sometimes I'm envious of flowers... until I realize how much freedom they're lacking. They can't move. They don't get to choose their friends. What if they're not happy? They couldn't get divorced if they wanted to. Flowers don't get to pick who they end up with. It's kind of like an arranged marriage, right? Where's the love? Flowers can't show emotion, at all. They can't express their feelings. Imagine not being able to hug a loved one. Or not being able to talk. Or not being able to experience life. Flowers have predetermined lives. They don't get to make any decisions. I think I would die. I'm really not cut out to be a flower. Maybe that bugs me because I tend to think I am a wallflower.

This month I came up with a new thought- I'm forgettable.
There I go again telling a half-lie, but honestly? Most people are forgettable. Just today I ran into someone I knew at the mall. I, of course, tried to avoid him, but kind of failed. My perfect alone-time shopping was a bust, but whatever. He was with one of his friends whom I automatically shook hands with and introduced myself. Little did I know, I already met him. I think I hung out with him before too, but I still forgot about him. The sad part is.... he played a role in how I view certain things. (Yes, a guy I met like, twice affected my life. Most strangers/acquaintances do that.) I completely forgot his face, but I knew his name. Unless I affect people's lives and give them a reason to remember my name, will I just slip away into the cracks? Yes. Even if I give people a reason to remember me, most likely they'll forget about me. I am forgettable.

Without a group of people surrounding us, most people are afraid to take a jump and stand out. We, as a society, find is so... weird, so unreal for a person to do anything socially unacceptable that, even at a young age, we are trained to blend into a crowd. We all tend to be wallflowers. We are all forgettable. That's why I have no problem admitting that I am forgettable. I am a wallflower.

I've been thinking a lot in December, but haven't had time to write or blog. Expect multiple entries over Winter Break because I have time. Because it's the end of the year, they'll probably be more thoughtful, but I'm sure a fun entry or two will be up too.
Happy Holidays! It's almost Christmas!

Love, but Hate

There are two things I absolutely love, but hate the feeling of.

One.

Image by Jen Wong.

Swinging is amazing. There's something about it that helps me both remember and forget. When I'm swinging, so many nightmare-ish thoughts come across my mind, but once I get past the first few minutes, I feel so free. If I close my eyes, I expect something different than just going back & forth. If I try hard enough... I just might fly. After a while of swinging, my mind goes completely blank. Everything comes to an end once I feel nauseated. I get so preoccupied with the nausea that I can't think about anything. I'm caught in a sea of despair when I realize what I love so much hurts me. No matter how nauseated I get or however much I am hurting myself, I always get back on the swing. I swear, it's like a drug.

Two.
Image by Jen Wong.

I blast my music. I know it's really bad for my ears and my health, but whatever. When I don't feel like talking to people, I blast my music so loud I can't even hear my own thoughts. Even though I can't hear my thoughts, it does wonders for my head, but I kind of fail. Every time I do, my heart beats significantly faster and I start to feel a pain in my stomach if I play it too loud. It hurts me, but I love it; it's like a drug.

So is this part of the reason people cut themselves? They love the pain? They need it? It's like a drug? If so, I've found two of my drugs.

I gotta get away from this crazy life
Get away from the hype
Get away from this two and two makes five
Take a look beyond what they see
Maybe you will realize
So come with me On my roller-coaster ride
Jay Sean - Come With Me

10. Fires

Things I miss from home:

1. Someone else doing my laundry
2. Having the kitchen so close
3. Actually being able to cook
4. Having anything and everything in the fridge
5. Someone else cooking for me & doing the dishes
   
6. My multiple blankets
7. Having the bathroom so close
   
8. Only having to walk one flight of stairs to my room
9. Having everything I need close
10. Not being rudely awaken by a fire alarm

When I was little, I went to my grandma's house pretty often. I remember one time, there was a fire in my grandma's neighbor's house. I don't remember much except for the fact that I had to leave the building and waited in my mom's old car. One of the only things I actually remember is my mom going back to get my favorite blanket at my grandma's house- the pink one with purple teddy bears. That was the only real time I was evacuated from a building because of a fire.... until this year.

There have been three fires in the past two weeks and one drill for San Jose State University. All three of these fires have been in Joe West Hall, my dorm building which houses about 500 students. On Thursday there were two fires at the same time! What a pain in butt. Lindsay woke me up & I was outside of the building at 9AM. The building re-opened at 3PM, but I had classes so I didn't get back until 6PM. Count it up- that's 9 hours. Sure, it was a pain in the butt, but I really appreciate that fact that the police & fire department are investigating these fires. This/these arsonist(s) or whoever is starting these fires are bugging everyone as well as putting a lot of people at risk. I really hope they catch them!

Little Things

Today was Dennis' going away party! He joined the Air Force! Isn't that crazy? I think so, but Dennis was always crazy, so I guess it's a little expected. I just hope he stays safe! He leaves tomorrow & once he gives me his mailing address, I am writing him a letter!
Those "this and this and this" happened blogs aren't really my style, so instead I am going to focus on "This Guy". (I say "This Guy" because I already mentioned a "That Guy" in my blog.)

"This Guy" is... well, I always had this image in my head that he hates me. Okay, not really always & not really hates. Maybe he's just one of those guys who I assumed thought I was weird. I talked to "This Guy" and his circle of friends senior year, and I felt welcomed by everyone but him. I felt like "This Guy" didn't like me & he never wanted me around. In fact, when I saw him today I didn't exactly greet him. Sure, I talked to him, but just enough to be polite. Anyways, after the guys were playing the music, I didn't feel awkward anymore and "This Guy" actually talked to me without me feeling hated or unwelcomed. I don't know why, but it just made me really happy & something as little as "This Guy" not hating me made my weekend great and memorable! & I'm hanging out with Mel tomorrow & it's going to be great too! What a nice weekend. Is this what it's like when other people go home all the time?

Sometimes I wonder if little things affect other people's lives as much as they do mine.

The little things, you do to me are,
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me oh,
Like a nervous heart that, is crazy beating
My feet are stuck here, against the pavement
I wanna break free, I wanna make it
Closer to your eyes, get your attention
Before you pass me by

Colbie Caillat - The Little Things

Sometimes I Wish

At times, I wish it was how it used to be. Sometimes I wish I talked to people from high school. Sometimes I wish I could keep in touch better. Sometimes I wish I would tell people how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could talk to people differently. Sometimes I wish I could have serious conversations with people. Sometimes I wish I could be bolder with my decisions. Sometimes I wish I was able to stay focused when needed. Sometimes I wish I was a better student. Sometimes I wish I was able to tell people my beliefs openly. Sometimes I wish I was better with words. Sometimes I wish I was able to say "No" easier. Sometimes I wish I knew music. Sometimes I wish I was able to write a song that actually told the story I wanted to. Sometimes I wish people would take me seriously. Sometimes I wish I knew what it's like. Sometimes I wish I was able to sense it. Sometimes I wish I was able to affect people's lives as much as I try. Sometimes I wish it was easier to talk about things. Sometimes I wish I was able to hug someone and really mean it. Sometimes I wish I knew how to ask. Sometimes I wish I was able to run when I want to. Sometimes I wish I was able to let things go better. Sometimes I wish I'd stop wishing.

Updates on Goals

I have a lot of stuff to do this week! I should be extremely stressed out. I guess I kind of am, but at the same time I'm just chilling. I guess because I'm a week early for everything, but I still feel like I have enough time to focus on nothing. For example, I'm doing this blog right now, then I'm heading off to do my Bio study guide.
Because I'm half-way into my first semester, I think it's a good idea to go over those goals I posted before. So here we go- updates!

1. Find fellowship/church - So I've been doing pretty good on this. So far I've checked out Pulse, InterVarsity, and AACF. I know for sure I want to continue going to Pulse, but I'm not sure about InterVarsity or AACF. As for finding a church, I have yet to check out a church on a Sunday yet. I tried to check out the church on campus (The River, I think) twice, but I over-slept both times. FAIL.
   
2. Talk to "That Guy" - SUCCESS! Although I haven't really gotten to know him, I have had a few conversations with him and he seems like a really nice person, so far.
   
3. Make Brian get out of his shell (Because Pang said he's shy) - I actually haven't gotten to talk to him as much as I wanted to, but he has approached me and it makes me happy. I really don't think he's shy. I guess people have different views on people. I wonder if it's right to mention names like this? Oh well.
   
4. Talk to "Guy that reminds me of Ryan" in Bio - SUCCESS! I've talked to him and we have a mutual thing going on about sitting next to each other and a lot of small talk, though it's a really, really small thing going on. I wish I could break down the barrier like I usually do, but it's hard when I'm in class to listen and not to talk.
   
5. Talk to "Skater Kid" in Sociology - Sophia was actually telling me about him. She told me not to talk to him. I respect her opinion a lot, so I'm staying clear of him. Anyways, let's think of a new goal. I met a new guy named Matt-Matt (He lets me call him that) and my new goal is to talk to him! New friend, yay! Also, I want to talk to the guy in class that lives in the same building as me, but I don't know his name. We say hi, but my new goal is to get to know him & his name!
   
6. Learn how to skateboard - DONE... kind of. I learned how to go & turn! I don't really have a skateboard or anything, but I kind of know how. Anna taught me how to go, & so did Audio Drew! THAT, my friends, was an adventure I still need to blog about. SUPER fun though, really.
   
7. Make new friends - Who would I be if I haven't made new friends by now? Anyways, goal accomplished & I'm still wanted to meet new friends! Friends, not acquaintances.
   
8. Take bus home rather than get a ride - I've only been home one time so I can't really say I've been following this goal, but I'll try taking the bus again. Maybe I'll take it by myself one day
   
9. Start running again - I tried. I ran once, but other than that I really haven't. I'm really going to try and start running though. Next week maybe, when I'm not as busy or stressed
   
10. Eat healthier - Another goal I can say is working! The salad bar is my friend! I like how there's always celery & carrots- YUM! Although the ratio of what I eat to the hours I spend eating in the DC are off.... so I should work on that.
    
11. Explore downtown - Haven't really done it yet, but I will! I am proud to say I know where Safeway & a bunch of other places are. I need to find Target!
    
12. Webcam daily - Failed, kind of. What can I say? I still feel no need to contact high school people..... at least not enough to webcam with them. The Fellow Five? I've webcamed with Joanna & Trisha, but that's it.
    
13. Keep in touch with friends - I need to do a better job of this. I'll call you eventually, Mel!
    
14. Write letters - I'm still in the process of writing letters. I need to write to Nicole, Monette & Tiffany, then I can send them all out, but I'm almost done!
    
15. STUDY - Still working on that, but I'm starting this week!
    

Left Out

When I was in middle school, my friend told me I was rich. Not because of the school we went to to, the clothes I wore, the things I had, but because of my relationship with my parents. My family is more American than Chinese. Let me try and explain this properly. In my family, education is very important, but it's also important not to force anything. My parents always encouraged me to do my best, although I was never forced to get good grades. My parents believed I should only get good grades if I wanted good grades, not to please them. When I came home with a C, my parents would tell me it was okay as long as I was trying my hardest. My friend came to the conclusion that if my parents didn't yell at me or anything for that C, they didn't care. Rich parents don't care about their kids grades, therefore I must have been rich... according to my friend. Because of this being pointed out, I always felt left out when my classmates were forced to do well in school.

Sometimes I look at the relationship other people have with their parents and I feel extremely lucky. I mean, I have two parents who have been married for twenty-four years. (Knock on wood) Their story is pretty cute because my mom was a nerd, my dad was a jock, and they both met in the Ecology club. I also have a brother who's four years older than me. So when you think about it, it's the perfect American family, right? I know I shouldn't be complaining, but it's because of that I feel so left out. So many different things that can tear apart a family: divorce, affairs, money, drugs, drinking, medical diseases, the list goes on and on. Most of the time I feel as if I'm really lucky, but sometimes I get instances where I feel left out. I don't know what to say or how to react when people complain to me about their parents, or their family. I'm not saying my family is perfect because it definitely isn't. I just think there are much worse things that could happen to my family and they just so happen to affect the families that surround me. For that, I am thankful. When I hear about all these horrible things happening to everyone around me, I have no idea how to react.... and I feel left out.

Here's another example. Last week, my friends and I were in the lounge and we got on the subject of discipline. It was more along the lines of what our parents did to us. Many things were mentioned: being locked out of the house, spending the night in the garage with no lights on, bamboo shoots, clothes hangers (both metal and plastic), back of feather dusters, and good old fashion spanking. Can I just say one thing? I felt extremely left out, to the point where it wasn't even funny. I can't remember a time where I was hit, or even really yelled at by my parents. My friends were telling me how it's a good thing to not be apart of it, but when everyone around me has some similar upbringing, it makes me feel really left out.

Ice Skating

Image found on Google. Credit to whoever took it.

When I was little, I wanted to be a figure skater. I remember having to read biographies and I always, always read about Michelle Kwan, my favorite figure skater. I watched figure skating on TV with my mom. When I think about it, I'm not quite sure why I wanted to be a figure skater, except for the fact that I loved it so much.

Today was a furlough day. I guess when I think about it, furlough days should suck immensely, but I can't help but love any excuse for not having school. Today I spent my day ice skating with the girls from Pulse. There's something I just love about ice skating. Maybe it's the fact that I'm just floating. Maybe it's because I can slip or fall at any moment. Maybe it's because it reminds me of summer camp. Maybe it's because it's like every weekend when I asked my parents to go ice skating. Maybe it's like every time I asked my mom to put me in figure skating classes. Maybe it's because it's the first thing I wanted to be when I was little.... that I actually remember.

When I'm skating super fast, I can't help but just relax, only returning to reality when I lose my balance for just a second, catching myself right before I fall. The cold just adds to it, making me forget about my troubles, forcing me to focus on how cold I am. I really wish I could just go ice skating by myself. If I lived close enough to a rink, I would live there.

Finding the Right Words

There is one thing about me that I really do not like. I'm horrible with words when I'm trapped in a serious situation or I really need to put my message across. Give me a few minutes and a laptop and my words will flow out of my head, making everything okay. Sadly it doesn't work like that in the real world. The worst thing about this is the fact that I am unable to stop myself when I am talking. My words just slip out of myself, making it impossible for me to make any sense at all.

Because I enjoy writing, it broke my heart when someone who writes as often as me got placed in remedial English. Not just any remedial English, but LLD1, the lowest English ever. In the class yesterday, we were having a discussion about some article and I felt as if I was the only one talking and voicing my opinion.... or at least attempting to. I know I ramble, but sometimes I wish someone would listen to me and try to understand what I'm staying rather than just stare into space and ask me what I said 50 times, making my rambling 10 times worse than the original.

Banana Pancakes in the Morning

I came to a conclusion today. Here at San Jose State University, my favorite time of day is exactly 10:37AM on Mondays and Wednesdays. Now let me tell you why!

1. Late morning! Hard core people are done with classes for the day & lazy people haven't started class yet
   
2. People are in their classes!
   
3. Empty road! I get to walk nice & slow without fear of getting fun over by a biker or skate/long boarder!
4. It's sunny! I get to enjoy the sun. At this time, the sun's out, but it's not too hot and sometimes there are clouds (which I love to look at)!
   

So today at 10:37, I just spent my nice, slow time walking back to my dorm. It was as if everything was going to be okay. Everything is just out of my control & into God's hands. I felt at peace. I just knew today was going to be a good day.

We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes

Extremely Lucky

For some strange reason, I have been extremely lucky. I don't mean it in a "Oh, she got lucky! That's what she said!" type of way. I am talking about.... out of breath, "Oh My Goodness, how is it possible?" type of lucky.

For those of you who don't know, SJSU's dorms has an access card to get into the building. It's kind of like a scan card, only different. It gets me into my building, as well as the stairs and elevator. Also, ID cards are supposed to be on all students at all times. For a student with a meal plan like myself, it's my food. Because of my meal plan, I get $100 of gold points on my card, which is basically like a debit card for any store on campus. Because I'm so lucky, I lost both of them. Isn't that just perfect? Luckily, my access card, ID card, and the money I store in the plastic holder was put in the lost and found without anything missing. I was extremely lucky.

I broke my camera. I'm not talking a super cheap camera and it did not break because of me (exactly). You know that metal thing on an air hockey machine? That giant piece of metal fell on my camera, completely ruining it. I paid for that camera. Did I mention it's a touch screen camera?The metal fell on the touch screen. It looks as if someone shot a bullet into my camera. The after shock made dents on the other side of the camera too. It happened on my first day of college. Can you imagine my luck?
The weekend after, my parents visited me & my mom brought me her camera to use. The day after I got lucky with my ID card, I left my mom's camera in the second floor lounge. Bernee checked the room and the lost and found. It wasn't there. I checked the lost in found for myself and it wasn't there. I checked the room again with Kevin & Christella and I didn't see it. Christella checked in the chair cushions. To my amazement, she pulled out my camera. I was extremely lucky, again.

Just Like High School

When something is important to me, it really does matter to me.
It's really easy to gain my respect. It's somewhat difficult to lose my respect.

I get affected by drugs and alcohol a lot. If someone who I'm not close to does both of them, I don't exactly care, but if someone close to me dose stupid things, I take it harder than anyone I know. I lose my respect for those people. I don't look at them the same way. I never forget that they've done stuff. When I find out they still do stuff after knowing me, I lose hope. All my efforts go to waste and I'm never, ever the same person. The concept and my thoughts go way deeper than what I'm mentioning, but maybe that will be in a different entry.

I thought I'd leave these thoughts behind after I got out of high school, but I can't. I can't help but look back on my experiences with certain people and.... just slap myself in the face. I can't help but read back on my old journal entries and feel as if it happened yesterday.
Last time these feelings returned, I thought reading my yearbook would make me happier, make me see the change people claimed I made in their lives. Last time it didn't work. This time, well I'll let you know.

I got sidetracked. First my entry was supposed to be about my weekend, then my adventures with fellowship hopping, then I actually turned my laptop on because I wanted to write an entry about kissing. Now, now it's just like high school all over again.
How will I ever be able to sleep?

Read Me Like A Book

I finally starting sharing my Blog with people. For some reason, I'm nervous about things I post on here. Will people actually read it? Will people look at me differently? What will happen? Only time will tell.

One night Cameron was waiting for me to finishing my reading & while he was doing so, we were talking. He said I'm an open person. The day before yesterday, Christella was telling me her first impression of me. She said I'm a nice & open person, until it comes to illegal things, then I judge people. Nathan said I'm an innocent person. Bernee said I'm super nice & out-going, best friend material.

One day I had a conversation with Thomas. He was trying to "strengthen our relationship". Thomas uses weird phrases like that. I was getting annoyed when he was talking to me, expecting me to tell him my life story so we can "strengthen our relationship" with him, just because he asked. I remember I was asking him what he knew about me and he was saying things like: I like hippos, I don't like illegal things, and my favorite color is orange. He also said I'm an open person.

I know I've heard it a lot, but people think I'm an open person. I guess that's my personality. So just because I talk to strangers and I like to meet new people means I'm an open person?

Sometimes I don't know how to react to people's thoughts about me. Should I be telling them they're dead-on? Should I be trying to prove them wrong? Sometimes I wonder about that.

Goals for College

I made my first trip home this weekend. Sadly, I didn't even think about how much I'd miss SJSU at all. I miss my room. I miss my bed being so high up. Most of all, I miss all my friends. It's funny when I think about it because I've only known these people for the most part, two weeks, but I still miss them a lot.

You see, as of yesterday I started to miss one specific person from school. The sad this is, I don't even know this person. I don't even know his name. This is exactly the problem. I don't know anything about him. I have his face memorized, but that's about it. He's just "that guy" & I'm sure to him I'm "that girl". One day I'll talk to him though. I will. I'll actually get to know him. It'll be one of my goals.

Speaking of goals for the school year, I guess this would be a good time to compile a list of things I want to accomplish, am I right?

1. Find fellowship/church
2. Talk to "That Guy"
3. Make Brian get out of his shell (Because Pang said he's shy)
4. Talk to "Guy that reminds me of Ryan" in Bio
5. Talk to "Skater Kid" in Sociology
6. Learn how to skateboard
7. Make new friends
8. Take bus home rather than get a ride
9. Start running again
10. Eat healthier
11. Explore downtown
12. Webcam daily
13. Keep in touch with friends
14. Write letters
15. STUDY

Public Transportation

Yesterday I took the bus with Rendell, Brian & Nathan home! I got to take Caltrain! I've only taken in once when I was in 4th grade, but I don't remember much. For some reason, I thought it'd be different. I thought it would be more like a real train station where I had to stand in line to buy a ticket. Instead, it was like any old MUNI or BART station, except with a train.

As I sat on the train (by the window, of course!) I just looked out the window & listened to music. Thank goodness I charged my iPod the night before. Anyways, as I looked out the window, it made me think of those artists & stuff. Do they just sit on trains and write songs? I could totally see myself doing that.

I had some thoughts come across my mind though. Good thoughts turned into horrible thoughts which turned into sad thoughts. I'm glad I'm able to go away for college. I'm glad I'm able to put all that high school drama behind me. I'm not so glad that I haven't really talked to any of my high school friends since I left. I'm still upset at the things they've done. I'm still upset at myself for various reasons.

So after we took Caltrain, we took BART, then I was on my own & took Samtrans. It was sort of funny to me. I mean, I was taking the bus around 4PM and it was a Friday. Students from my old high school were taking the same bus as me, but I didn't really recognize them. To a stranger looking in, I was just another high school student who just so happened to be carrying a laptop. To me, I was a college student, making her way home for the first time in two weeks. I found it so strange that I used to know the bus route by heart, but as I took it yesterday, I forgot the whole route. It's like everything once familiar has now changed. It also reminded me of high school. Senior year, I thought I knew what would happen by heart, then as second semester rolled around, I had no idea what the route would be. I had no idea how many twists and turns would happen. I had no idea what was to come by graduation, even college.

Funny how public transportation makes people think.

My Cheesy College Experience!

Want to hear a pizza joke?
I can't it's too cheesy!

One week down and here I am!
So I had a few things happen since I moved in on the 19th, but I guess I'll just list them so it makes an easy read.

August 19, 2009

• Move-in Day!
• Farewell, Parents
• Oh Captain, My Captain with Deborah!
• Ice Cream Social
• Connect Four with Bernee & Natalie!

August 20, 2009

• Scavenger Hunt
• SJSU's Got Talent
• Speed Meeting (With STD questions & condom give outs & condom compacts)
• Asian Consent Poster! (I grabbed it & put it on my wall because they're Asian!)
• Meeting people across from Ryan's dorm
• Awkward Dance! (Ryan doesn't dance, seriously!)
• Fail at playing Scrabble with Bernee & Deborah & Ryan

August 21, 2009

• Lindsay moves in!
• Bought books- so expensive
  
• Hang out
• BBQ - bor-ing
  
• Bernee & my ninja status to see MJ's room!
• Watched guys hula hoop
• Drunk line test!
  
• Karaoke & No System of a Down for Cameron to sing
  
• Fail at playing Scrabble with Deborah, Natalie, Ryan, Nathan, Christella, & Derek
• Crash at Deborah's! (Because heard there was a party on my floor & SOME GIRL was super drunk & some guy was taking advantage of her)
  

August 22, 2009

• Officially 18th!
• Still crashed at Deborah's!
• Hang out
• Jenn & Ash move in!
• "Worked out" (If cycling counts as working out)
  
• Comedy Night
• Hang out with Ryan & MJ's
• Very sad without Bernee OR Deborah.
  

August 23, 2009

• WAFFLES are so good here!
• Voices of Men
• Dorm food pot luck!
  
• Tap Ex
• Hang out
• Met upperclassmen skaters

August 24, 2009

• FIRST DAY of CLASSES!
• Intro to International Relations: Nice teacher, still feels like high school
• LLD1: (Remedial, yuck) CANCELED!
• Housing meeting
  
• Attempt to play pool
• AIR HOCKEY TABLE BROKE MY BABY! (Camera)
• I MISS MY CAMERA
  

August 25, 2009

• Bio Lecture: Class of 150! Wow.
• LLD1: (Still Remedial, still yuck): Reminds me of 6th grade teacher
• Intro to Sociology: I FELL asleep! EPIC FAIL.
  
• Hang out, heeeeeeey
• Attempt to play pool
• Housing won't cover damages on my camera
  

August 26, 3009

• NO CLASSES. (Budget cuts)
• Over 2 Hours in the DC, whaaaat?
• Asked around for the recycling, SOME GUYS THOUGHT I WAS DRUNK
• 4 RANDOM guys came in my room looking for my roommate
  
• Hang out!
• 10 Fingers/Skanky Hoe
  

August 27, 2009

• Bio Lecture
• LLD1: In class essay
• Sociology: Interesting & texted during whole class!
• FREE movie! Inglorious Bastards! Super funny
• Ping Pong/Pool!
  
• Are you nervous yet?
  

August 28, 2009

• Had a GREAT morning!
• Shared a waffle with a guy named Avery
  
• Made a Shirley Temple =)
  
• Saw Rendell's room & suitemates (Ew.)
  
• Everyone except for Sophia, Christella & me goes home
• Tap Ex!
• Walked to the building across campus, only to find out it was closed
• FREE JAMBA!
• Drank my soup with a guy named Joe!
  
• BOWLING with Sophia, Christella & Anna (The only ones left!) I got a strike!
  
• Watched hecka pro ping pong-ers!
• Tap Ex & Apples to Apples!
• Went to 7-11
• Bought my first scratcher! - didn't win anything
• Ping Pong
• Fell off Sophia's bed
• Went to 7-11
• Fatties while watching sports!
• I fell asleep on my floor
• Rode the elevator with some loud (possibly drunk) people
  
• I was supposed to play water pong, but we didn't have any red cups

& that, my friends, is my cheesy college experience so far.

So Close I Can Touch It

It's been 13 days since I last updated this blog. In that time I: finished working for the summer, wipeout-ed my laptop, lost pretty much all my stuff, packed for college, planned my first birthday party, tried to manage my ever-growing list of things to do, and most importantly moved into college!

For those of you who don't know, I will be attending San Jose State University starting this Monday. I moved-in on the 19th of August, which was early because of the "Frosh Start" program. With college starting on Monday, I feel as if I can socially survive college. I've met so many new people, and it feels as if these people are genuine. (Of course ironically they're all Asian. I lean towards Asian people unknowingly...until now)
I've made friends, some I feel like I trust (dare I say it) enough to go to a party with.

For those of you who don't know, I am a Christian. I say this because. Well, it seems to show a lot in college. They way I behave and everything.... well I've had it pointed out to me already. Is this is good or bad? Am I helping people make attempts at "reading" me by giving them more reason for me to fit into a stereotype? Who knows.

I'm still scared though- for my Faith. I don't think I am a very strong Christian, so I am very afraid. I keep thinking about Joey (My youth pastor) and his words on Black & White Night (Similar to a graduation at my church). He was sharing a story of a girl who just... put her Faith on hold when she went to college; she thought she could just pick it up after college. Besides that, she got involved with things like parties, drinking, and drugs.

As far as adjusting, the first night was pretty hard. I didn't even give a proper farewell to my parents. After that first night, everything just seemed to click. I feel as if God, just answered my prayers from the night before. I felt so much more at peace. As for now, well that belongs in a different blog entry.

I am so close to being a real college student, so close I can touch it.

Banana Boxes

So as I said before, I work at a uniform store.
What I failed to mention is I tend to spend a good amount of time in the back. What does the back of a uniform store look like exactly? Well, we have a lot of banana boxes. You heard me right. I know. Kind of weird. The sad thing is I never realized we had banana boxes until I was working in the front of the store, filling up sweat shirts, when a little boy asked his dad, "Why do they have banana boxes?" Only then did I realize:
1. We have banana boxes (Big shocker there)
2. I bet I look really weird carrying around banana boxes in a clothing store
3. We have a crap load of banana boxes!

Am I really that unobservant?

Tough Time at Work

I am currently pooped & I when I review today's events, I don't have a right to be.
So what exactly did I do today? I went to work. I guess to most people that doesn't mean much because it's apart of their daily schedule. I have a summer job- the same one I had last summer.

I work at a uniform store.

It's not that I'm ashamed at where I work or anything. I mean, the pay's good. The atmosphere isn't bad. It's pretty chill. Here's the thing: I'm not a good worker.

Honestly, I'm just afraid of making mistakes and causing the store to suffer. I'm afraid of doing something wrong and getting yelled at or fired. But most of all, I am afraid of public failure. (Just last year, I realized public failure is my motivation... in everything BUT work. That's not necessarily true, but it's too hard to fully describe.)

So because I have a huge fear of public failure, I ask questions about everything I do. I'm sure it gets annoying, but like I mentioned before, I'm afraid of doing something wrong. So yes, I ask a lot of questions, I double check before I do anything. I work slowly to insure nothing goes wrong.

Like I said, I'm just not a good worker.

I am such a newbie when it comes to anything at work, too. This is my second summer returning and I honestly don't know how to do much of anything. I still don't have many of the codes memorized. Plus I forgot my plaids. People that have been there as long as me know pretty much everything already.

Today, one of my managers talked to me. She's really cool because she's so understanding. She does have a point though- I need confidence. She was telling me how I need to be able to do things quickly and efficiently.
I have confidence, it's just lacking at work.

So yes. Today was just one of those really long days. I worked with sweatshirts for most of the day, failed at a few tasks, asked a bunch of questions, learned how to do scrip cards, prepared for the next school sale, worked with some customers, and vacuumed a whole lot.
There are so many questions I need to ask.
1. When I'm cashiering, how can I remove items?
2. If it's under $100, how do the scrip cards work?
3. How do I do returns?
4. If a girl scout comes in, what do I do?
I have more, but I can't think of any at the moment

So after work today, my family went to my uncle's house for a BBQ and I was really tired. I'm talking 6PM-ready-to-KO tired. Right now I'm okay, but I should get some rest. Goodnight.