I want a new haircut.

Something.... different. A few months ago, I wanted long hair. Now I'm re-thinking. I could just donate it again, but short hair scares me. But I do like waves, and the shorter my hair it, the more body/waves it has. Hmm. Dilemma. I do want to cut it in the beginning/middle of summer so I have time to get used to it though. I think.. clothes wise, long hair is probably better because it's more timeless.. and it's not like I'm a very trendy person. HMMMMM. Decisions. Plus last time I had short hair, I absolutely hated it. Then again I didn't give it a chance. But wavy hair! I can't make my hair all wavy if my hair is super short. I could just go medium. can't go wrong with medium. Might as well donate it though, if I'm chopping that much off. BUT OMG. That place where I got it donated scarred me. I hated how they styled my hair. & if I go to my Aunt, she'll play it safe and won't do anything really interesting with my hair. And unless I know what I want, I can't really go to a professional place... boo. And I don't know what my face shape is, so I can't really look at magazines and find a hair cut.

Other than that, desperately need new clothes. I should go shopping tomorrow since it's Memorial Day weekend. Mom said there's a bunch of sales. No money for that though :/

Clothes or hanging out with people...? Decisions, decisions.

One day I'll remember what it's like to get a comment on my blog.

Summer to do list:

• SAVE MONEY
• Drive drive drive drive.
  
• Work
• SWITCH MY MAJOR
  
• Volunteer (Hopefully. Waiting for the email backkk)
• Donate clothes I don't wear
  
• Donate things I don't use
• Exercise & lose weight.
  
• Print pictures from 2005+
• Create stuff. DRAW AND COLOR, heheh. And Scrapbook, sew & knit
• Cook and try out new recipes
• Bake
• Spend everyday doing something or getting out of the house
  
• Read!
• Buy new clothes
• Catch up on Glee!
• Catch up with old friends
• Watch movies. Hehehe
• Visit SJ :)
  

Too lazy to think of more. Pretty chill summer. Probably will stay around the house a lot since I really need to save money. I think I'll just try to reoccupy my time and stay busy a lot.
Also, I really need to get on the exercising because now that I'm at home, I've gotten back in the habit of weighing myself. No bueno, I know.. but still. Also super unhappy with my arms and stomach right now. And the clothes I wear.

PS.

Start of the summer totally SUCKEDDDDDD.

Today I

Went to my room early for a visitor that didn't show up
Took my final
Barely got money back for books
Lost my ID card, Access card, laundry card, and debit card
Ate an Eh, not too happy meal.
Didn't get to spend much time with him
Had to get back before 10 since I didn't have my keys
And no headphones so no video
Looked for more blogs to follow & found a blog dedicated to the love between Kevin and his girlfriend.

Really sucked actually. I read the info, saw some posts and thought it was cute. Debated on following. Scrolled down, and saw a video that didn't show the face and thought it looked like Kevin. Pressed play, and it was him. OF COURSE THAT WOULD HAPPENED TO ME TODAY. I don't get why the heck that they were on my friend's Tumblr. Awkward.


Well this is a great start to my summer.

At least tomorrow (After the morning when I hopefully sort out my lost crap and then spend money replacing everything TWO days before I move out) will be fun. All day and night with him, without school on the mind. :)

Kind of nervous for summer. Going to be away from each other. He said he'll visit once a week. He's going to have summer school. Boo. I'm... going to be lame. Sigh. No, I'm working. Trying to volunteer at the clinic too. After I straighten out my major stuff, I'll figure out my classes and then see if I should take summer school. Need to stay busy and not spend money 'cause I don't have that. Lots of Skype and phone calls though. Finally. Can't do that here with a roommate. I'm going to visit when I can. Parents don't know, so I don't know what I'll tell them. I have names all lined up. Sneaking around is fun though, hehe.

I like my friends separated... is that so bad?

I stopped wondering why I do that.. but as of last week, it's been on my mind a lot. I do it because... I guess it seems like every time I do, I get screwed over in a sense. Person A and person B are my friends. Person C becomes friends with person A and B, and then I just kind of... stop showing up. Because person C creates that bond that I never got/get with person A and B. Instantly.. even though I've tried to a large amount of time. I think part of it is because I spread myself too thin. I have a large number of friends, but a very small number of those that I really hold close to me.

It's sad. Actually.. It's sad because the people that I once held closest to me don't feel there. They never really feel there. Because, as weird as it sounds, and despite what everyone will say, I still don't feel included, and I never really will.

That's just it though.. I never feel included in a group of friends. Even when I invest a lot of time into a group. I never feel a part of it.

But here's the thing.. I get tired of people really easily.. plus I'm always scared people with be annoying or bothered by me and how I behave. I guess I rather just leave before they get sick of me.

I never invest the time into the relationships because I never get it back. I never get that connection.

So is it my fault? It's not a matter of being stubborn. It's a matter of being greedy. I don't want people around me to have what I don't get. What I want. Because honestly, I know tons of people. I have friends, but I never really get close to them. I see most of them as temporary.

I'm sorry for those groups I just disappear from. Is it so wrong to want a personal connection to friends? I want someone I'd actually call at 2AM, not the one that just gets the phone call. Is it wrong to want a mutual friendship where I value the person as much as I get valued? I'm so sick of people telling me how much I've influenced their lives.. or how much I mean to them, but never getting called to do anything.

Maybe I just settle when it comes to friends... that's why I don't have quality. People always say I rather have a few close friends than a lot of friends. I want quality, but I keep getting quantity. Maybe I'm just too impatient to wait to see if an actual good connection evolves. I just leave too quickly. I feel like one of those girls that just skip around relationships all the time because essentially, that's what I do to myself. I leave before I get scarred, and I'm left with a bunch of pictures from a ton of different subgroups that have no idea what goes on in my life.

Or maybe it's because I'm a closed person, and even with the groups that I was around for a few years.. maybe that's why I never opened up to them.. If that's the case, do I have to be around a group for 5+ years before I even make a connection? That doesn't even guarantee a connection.

Part of why I joined APO was to join an organization on campus that I felt a part of. I wanted to feel deeply connected to it, and I wanted to make real connections with the people a part of it. I'm jealous of a lot of people because they have succeeded in that.. but I feel like I still don't have anyone in APO besides my twin. And it sucks because what I was most excited for in APO was getting a big. I know I getting a big isn't a guaranteed match, but I really wanted one. I don't think I would have killed for a good match, but I would have don't a pretty big favor to get one. I wanted a big that understood me, that was there for me. That I could talk to. And honestly, I didn't get any of that. I am so jealous of people with good big little relationships. I'm so jealous of people that have bigs that try. Because honestly, I've tried in my relationship. I tried for longer than most people try.. and I don't have anything to show for it. As mean as it is... I think I've given up. Because nothing is going to change. And before I thought my family in APO was pretty messed up, but it's definitely gotten a lot better. I try in that, and I think it shows. Or maybe it's just because I've gotten closer to some of them. I just with I could say the same for my big. It bothers me though.. it really does. People tell me that I should just pick up, and be a good big to my little. Momma even said Id make a good big.. but I told myself I wanted to fix my big little relationship before I picked up. If that's never going to happen, it doesn't look like I'll ever pick up. It's alright though.. because my line is pretty messed up, and no one should be a part of it. I'm so jealous of people that have lines that actually talk.. I wish I knew people in my line. I wish my line was around. I wish I was able to take a line picture. I wish I was happy with how it is. I'll probably change my mind in the future about picking up.. but honestly, I don't know... I said I wanted just one little.. but if I do pick up, and our relationship is how mine is with my big.. I'd want to pick up again.

I feel like I'm becoming co-dependent.
And I hate myself for that... but I know if I over-think it, we'll both get sad. 'Gotta focus on school.

I feel greedy and controlling.

I'm sitting in the library, in my usual study spot. Kind of strange being alone. So lately, I want things my way, and I get upset when it doesn't go that way. As much as I say it's not fair... it shouldn't matter. I can't control over people's lives, even when it affects mine. I should just get over the fact that people can hang out with whoever they want. I think I need to just accept that fact that soon, my friends that I've tried so hard to keep separated for so long, will mix. When I get out of college, it'll be easy to keep them separated though.. so I guess I look forward to it.Really though... I feel like such a brat.

I also feel uninspired to try in school... I can pass the class if I work hard, but I feel like I shouldn't. It's hard to care. I wish I was more disciplined. I always thought of myself as a bad student.. but he said a bad student doesn't care. I guess I care. I mean... I get my stuff done. I think so many years of being be next to people that complained when they got a B really caught up with me.. even in high school, I was never like those kids. Still haven't found my studying technique yet... after two semesters of trying to figure it out. There's no way I can get a job if I can't even study efficiently.. meaning no money for me, and I'm starting to get dangerously low.

I need money. it's sad... honestly, I can go without a lot of the things I buy.. I remember how I was analyzing how I started becoming materialistic last year. Luckily, I'm not as materialistic, but I really want to get into clothes.. too bad I don't have actual money for that.. I realized that after getting into high school, I buy my own clothes.. I mean like... all my clothes. I buy my own underwear, bras, pants, jackets, tops... but you know what? My mom buys my brother clothes. My silly summer job (Which honestly, barely gives me any money...) is my only real income, besides my birthday, Christmas, and Chinese New Year. Maybe it's because the year I turned 18, I didn't get money. I also didn't really get money when I was 19. And last Christmas, I didn't get money from my relatives because of the economy.. I think that's why it seems like I have no money.. Or it could be the money I spent on Kevin. I honestly thought about it... and I spend way more money than I should have on him.. I don't even know why. I think it's because I felt liek I needed to buy him nice things because he was a more extravagant person. I really need to get a job though... I don't know how many hours I'll get this summer, but once it hits the school year, I need to get a job... really. After RUSH is all over, it's going to be job. Or actually... I'll apply during the summer to see if I can get an easy on-campus job that forces me to study. I need money. I told myself I wouldn't tap into my savings account.. but it seems more and more likely that I will, especially since most of the money I earned is gone. I probably have enough to survive next semester... but the summer..? I don't know.. And I don't know if I'll get money from my parents for food... because honestly, I have too much pride to ask for money. They'll have to give me money. If they don't, I'll be paying for my own food..

I still don't know my major. Thought I had it figured out, but I guess not.. I really want something I'll at least find interesting.. because I know I'm not very motivated in school. I need something I enjoy. But essentially, I do need to support myself and my future family though.. so it seems more and more likely that I'm going to settle with a major and career I won't like, but maybe I'll switch to something I enjoy after I accumulate some money. What I'm looking at right now isn't something I want to study, but I can see myself enjoying the job in the future, and I guess that's what's most important. The bad thing is... there's no variety in the major. Meaning I major in it, and that's my job. There's no fall back option. I guess I could minor in something super general.. but I still want to do something I enjoy..

As much as I know I completely break down when I stress, it still doesn't inspire me to work ahead... even now. I have two big papers and a final on Tuesday.... I'm still not working. What's wrong with me?

I definitely care more about APO than school... I'm thinking of next semester, what I want to do, what I want to accomplish... but I'm not thinking about what classes I need to take. Although I'm doing research.. I'm not spending enough time trying to figure out my major.. not as much as I'd like. What's wrong with me?

I also think I've been emotional lately... not like super emotional, but I've been getting upset at him. I shouldn't though... I'm afraid I'm getting too used to how he treats me. I'm afraid I'm taking it for granted. I want to slap myself in the face... Why don't I realize how lucky I am? Sad part is.. I know how lucky I am, but still... Still I take it for granted. I see the signs, I just need to stop myself.

Whenever there's an argument, I always think it's my fault. It doesn't matter with who. It just always happens.

What's it supposed to be like when someone cares? I don't know how to react. I don't know what to do, and honestly, it bothers me.

I'm sorry I'm so stubborn. I'm sorry I don't know what to do when you're just showing you care. I never had that before.