One of those Days

Last night when I finally forced myself to sleep, it was hard. I searched for my aid- the thing he got me. I reached a comfy position, filled with happy memories (finally having a physical object to hold and think of him). I took a deep breath, and I couldn't smell it. I couldn't smell him. I tried again this morning. It's official, his scent is gone. He's gone.

It's just one of those days, I guess. the ones where I wake up and just feel sad. For some reason, I don't really think it's about him. If anything I should be happy about him since yesterday was a good day. I just feel sad in general. I'm going to have dinner with a group of close friends. I haven't seen them in a very long time, and I haven't told them anything. I'm happy to see them, but I'm not looking forward to telling them. What's horrible is this is the problem I'm going to have to face with everyone. I'm sure when I tell them, it won't be such a big deal, and I can brush it off. Hopefully I'll be able to do it without breaking down.

Third

Today I didn't expect to see him. I ended up seeing him. We made (actually decorated since it was premade) a gingerbread house, and had hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles. We also ordered new glasses frames for me. I know it's weird that I asked him to come, but I respect his opinion a lot, and he has good taste. He had dinner here, and we watched television and a movie. It was like old times. We shared a blanket, only this time we were on opposite sides of the couch. I couldn't help but look over and wonder if he missed being close. And just like every night before, I didn't want him to leave. It's hard to say goodbye. I awkwardly half-hug, afraid of giving him the intimate hug I want, knowing that there will be no kiss goodbye. This repeats every time.

Recently

12.26.10

My parents dropped what happened to my friend and her family. It makes me sad because honestly, I haven't told anyone besides Sophia and Twin. I had to go through an awkward thing where they questioned me about it. It was really weird. So I talked to my friend, pretty much about her problems, and I helped her out as much as I could. She talked and referenced her boyfriend a bunch of times. Kind of sad because I kept thinking about him, even without her references, but those made it worse. It was alright though, because it gave me the opportunity to talk about him and reminisce out loud. I feel weird when I reference him to anyone anymore. She knows that we still talk and hang out, and she said she was envious that it ended so well. I guess it did end well (in comparison to other people), but it still doesn't feel like it... it still ended. If I had it my way, we'd still be together.

I keep beating myself up for it. I made the decision to not eat with our friend. I'm the one that twisted the conversation and made it serious. If I didn't do that, it wouldn't have happened. At least not that night. I'm the reason why it ended when it did, and I'm still beating myself up for it, especially since I feel like this is one of the worst possible times for this to happen.

---

12.27.10

I sat at a table with four other people. Two were a couple, been together since high school, junior year. He's in the Air Force, and that is the only reason all of us were hanging out. One's been in his relationship since like, freshman year of high school. The other was single. It was an interesting dinner. My friend asked about my boyfriend, and I said he was good. They told me I should have brought him. I felt bad. I didn't tell them. I did the same when my family talked about him during Christmas.

The guy recently became single. I felt like telling him about what I've been going through, but I kept my mouth shut. It's weird though, because I wanted to open up to a person I don't know very well. I think it's just because I assumed we were going through the same thing, so maybe he's understand. I miss him. A lot. And maybe my friend misses her as much as I miss him.

We ran into some other people, and ended up going to my friend's house. Didn't do much though. Sat around listening to the guys play guitar. I was trying to think of common interests between my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn't think of much. Reminding me of him. We didn't have much in common. The guys left, I stayed to finish watching the movie. I saw my friend's cousin on the phone. I think it was her boyfriend, and my eavesdropping skills heard Tahoe trip. He was in Tahoe. I miss phone calls. I miss him.

It's hard missing him and not telling him. I've told him some stuff that went through my mind, but after I realized I went to a crazy point, I stopped. Since then it's been pretty bottled. It's been getting easier. I haven't broken down in a while, so I'm pretty good. But I do miss him. Right now, because we talk a lot, it doesn't seem like anything changed. It seems like we just had a big fight and now we're okay. It's weird when I come back to reality and I have to tell myself it's over, because essentially, I'm still thinking about him. I'm still telling him things that I wouldn't normally tell friends. I'm still offering him things I don't offer friends. I'm constantly fighting the urge to text him all the time.

Number Two

We were at the mall one time when a display caught my eye, and I automatically ran to it. I remember pointing it out, and being ecstatic. We must have been there for a good five-ten minutes, but then we had to go to back to the original reason we were at the mall. From that moment on, I completely forgot about it.

We exchanged presents today. He told me to guess what he got me, and I said hair straightener because he's been wanting me to have one since forever. I opened it really slow, and it ended up being the thing I saw in the mall. He told me to smell it and it smelled good- familiar. I asked him if this is what he smelled like, and he said yeah. He also got me a card that I had to wait until I got home to open. I'm touched he wrote a message in it.

I watched him play video games today, and even though I usually get bored when I watch people play video games, it was really fun to watch 'cause he's so entertaining and makes me laugh. I still find myself doing special things and taking care of him. I made a list of things he needed for Tahoe. While he was playing I wrote a three notes. I told him to turn around before so I could leave something in his bag. I left two in his bag and one in his boot. He knew what I was doing, and searched for the notes after I left. He texted me later and said he found it- the one in his boot. He doesn't know there are two more, and I hope he finds them over the trip and get surprised.

I know the way I talk about him. I know the way I think about it. In my head, it's like we're still together. Honestly, we text more than we did, but it's different, and even though it's hard for me, I know that. I know I can't tell him certain things. I know I can't kiss or hug him, or do all the other things I love. I can't tell him how much I think about him, how I feel about him, or how hard this is for me.

He leaves tomorrow morning, and that's why saying goodbye was especially hard today. I'm scared he won't come back, and he knows this. This Tahoe trip is dangerous, that's why my parents wouldn't let me go. I'm afraid for him. I'm scared out of my mind.

What I Imagined Break to be Like

Here's what I thought my break with him would be like:

• Christmas in the Park in San Jose
• Help decorate the Christmas tree and house (because he didn't cut the tree with us)
  
• Christmas dinner with my family, enjoying yummy food
  
• Opening presents with the family, him being able to celebrate Christmas with us
• Exchange Christmas presents
• Find mistletoe, and kiss under it
  
• Watch movies with my dad
• Tahoe with his family- seeing his reaction to snow, and going on my first "road trip" without parental supervision, getting to know his cousins more
• Bake, but more specifically, I really wanted to make gingerbread men, and sugar cookies with cookie cutters... and decorate them
  
• Make gingerbread houses, or more specifically graham cracker because they taste better and he doesn't like gingerbread
• Have him over for dinner as usual
  
• Drink hot chocolate with whipped cream and holiday sprinkles
• Pick out new glasses frames
  
• Visit that area that has all the Christmas lights- walk through it holding hands and drinking hot apple cider
• Visit Michael's to get thread & make friendship bracelets
• Spend New Year's with him, watch the countdown together with apple cider, and kiss when it hit midnight
• Cuddle while watching movies and TV in both his room & my family room
  
• Watching theater movies while holding hands, and just hold hands in general
  
• Play with Flip Flop, and end up triple spooning a lot
  
• Get dressed up and use the tickets that are still a surprise to him
• If it's not too cold, go on on of the Jen Drive dates I was planning
  
• Visit San Jose, hang out with our own friends, then end up going to the Drive-In
• Shop shop shop shop shop because I always need new clothes
  
• Sit/lay in his bed and watch him play his video games while I probably read or something
• Go out to Denny's, and finally order something from their dessert menu
• If the weather was warm enough, finally use the petal boats- long overdue
  
• Drive him around and be driven around and listen to music in the car
  

The list goes on and on, and it doesn't help that I keep thinking of new things to do.

The semester was so busy, all I wanted to do over break was catch up and be able to spend time with him. I'm not going to lie, these thoughts helped me get through the end of the semester... what sucks is even if I still do these things with him, they won't be the same, and we both know it.

Confession 19

Confession 19: Everything I do and see reminds me of him.

I know how pathetic it sounds and makes me look, but I can't help it. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but what I didn't know was how hard I'd take it. I thought it'd be difficult, but not nearly as difficult as it feels.

When I brush my teeth, I think of how he made fun of the way I held the toothbrush. I think about how I used the clock on the toilet to count how long I brushed. I think about how he always took forever to brush and brushed in his room while I watched from the bathroom. I think about how we made funny faces to each other while brushing our teeth- how I'd always burst out laughing, use the other mirror, and still see his reflection. I think about how he said I had bad breath, and how now I brush my tongue excessively and always chew gum and eat tic tacs. I remember how I'd blow a bubble, then see him in the corner of my eye trying to pop it- and not succeeding. I remember teaching him how to snap his gum, and how I started a horrible habit for him. More than anything, I think about that snapping noise that no one can replicate- his call for me. Every time I hear it, I turn around hoping it's him. I think about how last year he has a spare toothbrush in his drawer at my place, but only used it once or twice. I think about the spare toothbrush he gave me- Purple, Oral B, and how it's the one I use right now. I think about all those mornings I brushed my teeth in the kitchen, or those mornings where we'd sleep in and wouldn't brush our teeth until before dinner.

I try to take a deep breath, breathing through my mouth, and I think about all the times he covered my mouth, telling me I'm breathing too loud. I remember all the times I ate a tic tac, afraid my breath smelled bad, and switched to breathing through my nose. I think about all those times I'd lay in his arms, listening to his heart beat and his breathing. I think about the first time he laid on me- how foreign that feeling was. I think about how I could tell what he was thinking based on his heartbeat. More than anything, I remember how fast his heart always beat in comparison to mine. I think about how his eyes were always closed, and it always seemed like he was asleep, but he wasn't. I think about the way he woke me up, and how happy I was the one time he has coffee waiting for me. I think about how I always kissed him goodbye in the morning against his will. I always said goodbye. I think about those wake up calls he gave me. I think the about the wake up calls I gave him- the good morning and good night texts, and phone calls about nothing. I think about all those all-nighters he pulled, and all the times I tried to stay awake and keep him company, but ended up falling asleep. I think about how annoyed he got that I even tried. I think about the countless times he made fun of me for sleeping under the blanket, and how he said he couldn't understand how I could breathe. I think about his face, and how it makes me smile just thinking about it. I think about his blankets, and how no blanket is as comfortable as his or how he made any blanket comfortable.

Tears leave my eyes, and I think about the first time I saw him cry. I think about that moment, and how much it changed me. I think about the paper I wrote, and all the help me gave me. I think about the second time, and how I'll never forget a moment like that. I think about how shy I was, and how I was unable to express my feelings. More than anything, I think about the times we exchanged tears together. I was so scared of losing him- the first time I cried in front of someone- how ashamed I felt, but how safe I was once we reached an embrace. The last time we cried, how I couldn't bear to look at him. He tried to hold me. I wanted to get away, but when I finally did, I didn't realize how much I needed him. I should have held onto him when he held me.