Sad how unhappy I am about you, but I don't really give enough of a sh/t to do something about it. So yeah, I'm going to keep living my life, and continue when I feel ready rather than waiting for you to graduate. Sure, I guess we don't have that bad of a relationship than what I think comes across to other people, but it's nothing like how I believe it should be.

Go ahead & do what you want. I'm not saying I won't be bitter... I'm saying go ahead. Because this way, you may be closer to what you want. You may get a little that's perfect for you, and you may find in them the relationship you never got with me. I will say this: although I went into this EXTREMELY against being a twin, being a twin was probably one of the best things that happened to me. Originally I wanted to be the only little with my big, but I think I would have died from all the attention from you. I think I tried so long because I had a twin. Although my twin doesn't believe in the same things I do, he at least listened to me about my concerns of my relationship with you. He told me to try rather than just complain. He inspired me to ask questions, figure out why I was paired with you. I'm glad you have your own little IC little since that's what you wanted. I'm glad you're "in the drawing" for picking up again. I'm glad that you at least told me. Now the next step is for you to actually ask for my opinion. Also for you to ask how I feel about everything, because honestly, you're never asked me. Yes, you've asked to eat a few times, but even when we eat, do you ask me how I feel? No. I realize that makes me sound like a little girl, but when will I ever be able to have another big? Never.

Momma told me that the Chapter has a way of "fixing" itself.. there's pairs that do not work out & those little tend to find guidance through another member in the Chapter. I don't think I'll ever really see someone as my big in Chapter. But that's alright. I'm inspired by so many people in Chapter, I guess I don't need that relationship that I always wanted, and I'm coming to terms with it. Very slowly because I've realized how bitter I am.

Then again, I tend to stay bitter for a long time. I should work on that.