Sad how unhappy I am about you, but I don't really give enough of a sh/t to do something about it. So yeah, I'm going to keep living my life, and continue when I feel ready rather than waiting for you to graduate. Sure, I guess we don't have that bad of a relationship than what I think comes across to other people, but it's nothing like how I believe it should be.

Go ahead & do what you want. I'm not saying I won't be bitter... I'm saying go ahead. Because this way, you may be closer to what you want. You may get a little that's perfect for you, and you may find in them the relationship you never got with me. I will say this: although I went into this EXTREMELY against being a twin, being a twin was probably one of the best things that happened to me. Originally I wanted to be the only little with my big, but I think I would have died from all the attention from you. I think I tried so long because I had a twin. Although my twin doesn't believe in the same things I do, he at least listened to me about my concerns of my relationship with you. He told me to try rather than just complain. He inspired me to ask questions, figure out why I was paired with you. I'm glad you have your own little IC little since that's what you wanted. I'm glad you're "in the drawing" for picking up again. I'm glad that you at least told me. Now the next step is for you to actually ask for my opinion. Also for you to ask how I feel about everything, because honestly, you're never asked me. Yes, you've asked to eat a few times, but even when we eat, do you ask me how I feel? No. I realize that makes me sound like a little girl, but when will I ever be able to have another big? Never.

Momma told me that the Chapter has a way of "fixing" itself.. there's pairs that do not work out & those little tend to find guidance through another member in the Chapter. I don't think I'll ever really see someone as my big in Chapter. But that's alright. I'm inspired by so many people in Chapter, I guess I don't need that relationship that I always wanted, and I'm coming to terms with it. Very slowly because I've realized how bitter I am.

Then again, I tend to stay bitter for a long time. I should work on that.

You: Want one of my delicious sushis?
Me: No
You: What do you have planned for lunch?
Me: Nothing
You: Truth Game
Me: Nothing
You: I want you to eat one
Me: I don't want one
You: Take one
Me: I'll get one later
You: When? I'm not going to see you later. By the time I'm out of class, you're in class. Then I have class and you're at work, and I'll go home. And you have pledge meeting and fellowship. Take one so in my mind, I know you're not starving all day
Me: Fine. You know, Carole gave up meat for Lent. I can do that. I didn't have meat yesterday *takes a bite of tofu pocket*
You: Uhh..
Me: Dang it, NOOOOO. I was so close. Why'd you ruin my Lent!

Kekeke.

Bittersweet Week

I worry about you //concerned
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Late nights studying turned KTFO = story of my life
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Keep sleeping without an alarm! I'm happy my body wakes up on it's own
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Last minute wrote a paper, only to find out it wasn't due. HOLY CRAP! Least I'm ahead for Tuesday..
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Membership meeting inspired me. So many ideas, maybe next semester.... or not. Man, I didn't even think about it, but now.. maybe I might consider it.
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PA meetings make me happy :) I'm glad I got it, & I'm super excited for all I'm doing this semester
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Pushing myself, gotta stay on top of it all. I can do this, this is only the beginning. I can't wait til I reach my full potential.
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Least I went to AACF.. that's a start.
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Private Tumblr posts remind me of the past, keke. Glad I made you smile, even just for a few seconds
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That moment you cross my mind, and I get sad while driving & Adele pops on the radio. Oh Adele, WHY YOU SO RELATEABLE?
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When those kids keep complaining and tattle-tailing.. but then turn around and do/say something so amazingly cute
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Rushing back to school to make it in time for AACF, only to realize that your car turned in font of me & I DRIVE LIKE A BOSS away from you. I don't care if it's immature, I just want to GTFAFY (Like what I did that? Get the f/ck away from you) Not that you noticed or anything
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All I've been doing is looking next to me. I keep remembering you're not here. This semester'll be tough. Never been so close yet so far from you. It's weird. Miss you more, daily. /clingy

Yet again.

I find myself staying up ridiculously late not finishing things I have due. Sigh, what's wrong with me. Presentation in an hour in a half.. gotta do research & still need to shower. Man, I've been so distracted lately. 'Gotta GSD this week. For real.

FIRST PLEDGE MEETING DOWN. It's all surreal.
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Tonight's TO DO List (Priority):
- Shower
- Senior Interview
- Cultural ID
- Re-write notes
- Write in planner
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I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to organize so I can get ON TOP of everything. If I don't do it this weekend, it's going to get way too overwhelming.
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YAY NO WORK MONDAY <3
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Procrastinating tasks:
BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG
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Kind of sort of really want to change this blog URL. Kind of..

It's similar to the feeling you get before you cry. That pain in the bottom of your stomach. The one you didn't know existed until that moment. The one that reminds you that if anything happened, your world would turn upside down. The one that reminds you what attachment means. The one that tells you what it's like to really love someone. That feeling.
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Man, bad day at work.
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9-6, then pinning tomorrow. Crap.

This whole internet thing for school.. I'm not a big fan. I can't get anything done 'cause I keep getting distracted about stupid stuff. Just bring back all the stupid classes that require 50 times more reading & no online submitting and quizzes and assignments, and I'll be a happy camper.
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Seems like Tuesday is going to be the low of every week 'cause I always get tired on Tuesdays. Gotta finish the week strong!
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FRIDAY before work & Pinning is going to be planner shopping. I WILL GET ONE. I need a new one SO BADDDD

I spent over 500 dollars in this month alone. Haven't seen my bank account so low in awhile. Just need to deposit these two fat checks on my desk and I'll be fine... but dang, this is what happens when I got home and I have nothing else to do. It could be worse though.. good thing I'm not into shopping for clothes.
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I just feel like eating..
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I'm not as good in volleyball as I'd like to be, but I really do miss playing. Glad to be back on the court. Keep forgetting to tape my hands. And I need to get consistent again.. 'cause consistency is like, the most important thing to me in volleyball. You can't afford to mess up on easy things like not getting a serve over or missing a spike. Those should be easy. You need them it to focus.
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I can't wait for a new planner so I can be organized again. I need order in my life.
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Super nervous for my interview tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
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