I never thought that I'd... well.. I guess I assumed that this wouldn't happen. That everyone knew, and would lay off what's mine, but I was wrong. It's not like anything happened or anything, but it's the thought... Knowing that someone would have taken him, even just for one night. I'm not a happy camper. Everything was intercepted, and nothing happened, but the thought of it lingers in my head. I'm scared it'll happen again, but next time it won't end up this way. He's mine, back off. Yet I'm the one holding back from the public. This is all my fault... yet I'm still greedy. I'm scared of something happening. At least I know what he would have said.

Least we both know I get jealous. A little jealously never hurt anyone. It just shows that I care. Which, believe me, you never want to have a relationship without jealousy. A healthy relationship should always have a little bit of jealousy. Never too much, of course.

Maybe it's time I just stop hiding it. Maybe it's time that I tell people.

The reason why I suck as a sponsor is because I have a sucky sponsor. The reason I know I'm going to suck as a big because I have a sucky big. I'm sorry I'm trying to avoid being a sucky big. I really don't want a relationship like that. I need to learn what good bigs do. I need to, so I can be one.... once my big graduates.

I miss my grandmas sometimes. I mean, who else in the world would cut open those big grapes, take away the seeds, and peel them for me? Absolutely no one. I remember my mom used to ask her why she did that, and then she'd tell her that I was capable of eating them normally. Hah. I remember giving my grandma chicken bones after I was done eating them, and she'd eat that marrow part. I remember her radio with those Chinese stations. I remember every Thanksgiving, she'd slave away in the kitchen and all the newspaper. I remember those "Chinese Scissors" B and I played with. How we'd say that only a true Chinese could use them. I remember playing with silly putty, and how she made me a horse. I remember all those Saturdays going over after Chinese school. I remember showing her all my homework and papers, so proud of myself. I remember those brown plates. I remember my kiddy plates with the dividers. I remember Grandma's chair. I remember how she's always, always buy my favorite cereal and eat it too. I remember all those blankets she made me, and Greeny's still my favorite. I remember the toys. And her backyard- all the flowers. I remember that time there was a fire next door, and we were evacuated. I remember going back for the pink teddy bear blanket she made me. I remember going to Disneyland too. And China. Man, I really miss her sometimes. I was over there pretty much every other weekend before B and I were old enough to stay home alone. 10 years yesterday. 10 years without her. It's silly when I think about it. I remember the day after her funeral. I woke up crying because I realized Grandma wasn't with us anymore. Lately I've been thinking about her a lot, since everyone's been asking me if I can speak Chinese. I just say, "No. I went to Chinese school for about three years, then quit. And after my grandma passed away, I never used it, so I lost it". I wish I could have talked to her about what it was like coming to America. I wish I knew everything she went through. All the stories would have been great, I bet. I wonder what she thought Texas was like. Mom says they had to grow their vegetables so they could have the Asian ones. I wonder she Grandma thought though. I wonder if being in Texas made her open to more races. I wonder what she thoguh exactly when she learned how to make tamales in Texas. And going to SF? Man, imagine a change like that. Going from no Chinese/Asian people at all, to being surrounded by them? My mom tells me what she thought, but I wonder what my grandma thought. I wish I was able to talk to her. I wish I was able to know what it was like. I wish I knew.
10 years yesterday. 10 years without the one grandparent that I was really attached to. I mean, yes, I still have my grandma on my dad's side, but it's not the same. I was never raised by her. And my grandpa on my mom's side? Died when I was 5 weeks old. Grandpa on my dad's side? I never shed a tear over him. He was always quiet, didn't say much. Always stayed in his room when we'd be over. My grandma though. My Paw Paw. I miss her.

It doesn't make sense to be sad. There's 50 million other things in the world way more important than this, but I can't help it. Is it my fault I feel like crying? That even when you held me for a few seconds, I felt alright? Then after feeling sad again, we just went about our normal business, and when I was dropped off, I just left without a real kiss or hug. And you didn't stop me like you normally do. Even though you knew I was sad. It's stupid of me, I know. And there's so many things you do for me, and I take you for granted, but I'm sad. Like legitly sad,and you just went home. I know you have stuff to do tomorrow morning, so do I. I have my paper which I put on myself, but in all honesty, I probably would have walked away fine if you held me even for a few minutes. Instead, here I am, sitting at my computer, trying to write my paper, but instead my mind is wandering not to why I was sad in the beginning... but why you didn't do anything. What I would have done if I didn't have a paper. What I would do if I could just freeze time. I'm such a baby. I just want to be held all the time. Why do you even put up with me. I'm sick of myself. Why are you still here? Even if I thought "Screw it, I'm going to bed", I wouldn't even be able to sleep knowing that deep inside of me, there's probably some anger towards you, and we promised we'd never go to bed mad.

• My brain can’t focus, despite knowing that I’m supposed to finish this crap. Honestly, you shouldn’t come over because I don’t deserve it.
• Good for you. I know you’re not going to be the person you should be to him/her. Glad you got what you want.
• I don’t care what it takes in the future. I think once you graduate, then I’ll do what I want. And I’m going to do everything I can capable of to have the best relationship I possibly can.
• Still waiting for something telling me you’re still alive.
• You were probably my motivation last semester, and I hate that. Now I don’t even really enjoy it.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED. WHY CAN'T I JUST SIT STILL AND FINISH THIS. I swear, I have a problem or something.

I wish I knew why I go to tailgates because it's only so entertaining sober. Then again I think I just wasn't cool with the little space we had today. Claustrophobic. Not the business. & I think I just end up worrying about all the people that drink too much, and get sick of talking to drunk people. That means you guys, random strangers in the elevator asking me all about my coffee. Seriously? It's 2AM, I'm trying to stay away and GSD so I can go to church & BSR & Fam stuff & Chapter on Sunday. Mmk? You too, friends of my suite-mate who kept talking about drugs, especially you-know-who. Cool, you came back to celebrate her birthday. Please don't stay here. OMG, I hear her voice from my room again. Ugh, get a life.

I told myself I wouldn't drink coffee unless I really need it, and here I am, second night in a row with a coffee. If I keep working at this pace, I'll need a super strong one on Saturday night, as well as Sunday morning. Why am I even making a big deal out of a 10-page paper? I really shouldn't. Complaining and procrastinating isn't going to make the requirement be shorter, or help the paper write itself.

Hey you,

Don't do it. It'll only hurt you. Think of what matters. Quit thinking and get back to work, you'll thank me for this later. Don't you want to spend as much time as possible actually relaxing this weekend? Don't you realize that after a crazy weekend, you still have to go through Monday and Tuesday before you can relax on Wednesday? And who are you kidding, you still have that big project you have to worry about after you finish this huge paper. Just focus and do your work. You'll thank me later.

Love,

Me.

PS, stop worrying what you post on your Tumblr. If you really don't want to post something, just post it on your Blogspot. Remember that's why you have it.