Another person has never had me so happy, I'm so serious. It scares me how I think of who we are exactly because honestly, there's no title, but I don't really feel a need for a title. It's weird though.. I see a future with him. He's really the only person I don't see as temporary... and I've never felt that before.
Today I thought about getting a pet together. Nothing like a dog.. that's a really big commitment. I was thinking something more permanent than a fish. Maybe a hermit crab. Or an amphibian, but he doesn't like those. I don't know.. it's just an idea, but I like it and he likes it. I find it strange how similar some of our views are, but it's really nice. He likes modern houses, and I do too, but I'd never want to actual live in one, but we do have similar taste when it comes to interior design. It's nice that he appreciates Crate & Barrel as much as me. I like how Nameless Bear and Ken make up our very own happy family. I like how I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, how he accepts me for me.
We watched Just Go With It, and it was really cute. I really liked it. & more than anything, watching a movie with him was unlike any other experience. I think subconsciously I wasn't enthusiastic about watching movies with him because that's what Kevin and I used to always do, but this was so much more different. It was... better than anything I imagined. I found myself turning to look at him a lot. Sometimes he'd be watching the movie, but other times, we was looking at me. We kissed, and looked into each other eyes, and... oh my gosh, I swear people probably hated us for that, but honestly, I didn't even care because he makes me so happy. So before the movie began, I went to the bathroom, and supposedly on the way back, I had the biggest smile on my face. I didn't even notice until he said something, but I guess I was just so excited to with with him after that short amount of time. Hehe. And we had a cooking contest where we didn't really cook, and I most definitely won. And I like how he always asks if I'm thirsty, or ask if I'm tired. He's so considerate. I like how he kisses me on the cheek, I know it's kind of elementary, but it's so adorable, and it's so genuine. I love it. I like how I still get super embarrassed, and more than anything, I really like him. A lot.
I really like holding his hand. I feel like it comes so natural. When I was with Kevin, I always grabbed his hand. I usually had to think about grabbing it. Kevin and I didn't hold hands much. I thought about that today, and I realized that it was because of this one moment. We were walking from his house to campus, and I grabbed his hand, and I remember he just kind of let go/lightweight threw it away and said it was too hot to hold hands. At the time, I guess I just agreed, and I never said anything, but I guess I was just kind of timid about holding hands after that. It's weird how I remember a lot of moments like that.. where I felt like I did something wrong even though I didn't really do anything.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Amazing.
"You look nice today"
It's funny how something so simple can.. make me go crazy. That's all he said. That's all he really had to say. I'm not saying that I'm into Kevin again. I've thought about it actually, and I'm as over it as I can get because essentially, the first if always going to sting. It's always going to be in my mind. I thought about Eric so much after.. and to be honest, we didn't even really talk, so just imagine how it's going to be with Kevin.
We had dinner yesterday. I haven't really talked to him since before Snow Trip. He's IMed me or texted me a few times, and he sent me this message on Facebook that I responded to. That message on Facebook was heavy stuff, and even though at the time I was really happy with my life, it was just really heavy. I felt like the message had a hold on me, like it meant so much more than I actually thought it did. I stopped responding to what he told me in that message.
Even though I was extremely into Kevin.. it wasn't good for me, and I know that. My confidence went down. I lost my self-esteem. I worried about how I looked constantly. I felt like I was never good enough. I felt unattractive. I constantly compared myself to other people. I changed my schedule, did everything I could for him. I bent over backwards to make him happy. And you know what? During most of the relationship.. I felt like he didn't care. And I told him that towards the end. I told him in October, and that's the first time he saw me cry.. it hurts when I think about that moment. I think about how he looked, and I remember his face. His eyes. How concerned that he felt that way.. I remember that one Saturday night when I went over... so hurt by what he told him.. only to find myself crying and holding onto him so tight. I remember going to the bathroom and locking myself in.. him knocking on the door asking me to talk to him. I remember crying on the bed. I remember wanting to sleep so badly.
As much as I remember the positive things about the relationship, there were really big negatives, and essentially... I didn't deserve that. I deserve better. Kevin knew that, and I didn't. I think at the time, my esteem was so low that I didn't believe that.
I see all the changed that Kevin's made in the little contact that we've had. I really think he's changed, and I'm really happy for him. I hope he finds someone for him, and more importantly, I hope he treats her right.
After being in a relationship, I often wonder a lot about other people's relationships.. who do I know out there that was like me? Let's be honest, I wasn't in a very good relationship, but no one around me knew that.. no one ever knew that until I told them I wasn't treated very well after we broke up. I'm sure there are people out there that are just like me.
I still find myself doing habits that I developed when I was with Kevin. None of them good. I worry about clothes I wear a lot, even though I don't wear very impressive things. I talk down about myself, and I don't give myself the credit I deserve. My thoughts criticize everything I do, and I tell myself that it's not good enough. I tell myself I need to do things.. sometimes not because I want to.. but because in some indirect way, it will spite him.
A low self-esteem and a lack of confidence is something I find extremely unattractive.... and the only person I've shared most of my insecurities with still likes me.. still loves me. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. What I do know is that I'm not sick of him. I love being around him. I can tell him, and pretty much tell him anything. He can see me seriously, which is ultimately a huge thing. I care about him, and this time it's mutual.
(I wrote in a private entry that Kevin makes me feel amazing. Honestly, when I think back on it, he didn't make me feel amazing. I wanted him to make me feel amazing. I told myself he made me feel amazing.)
THIS GUY, on the other hand, makes me feel so amazing. He's amazing, and he doesn't realize how lucky I am. Seriously, I'm so insanely lucky. He says I'm the lucky one.. but he doesn't see what I see.
It's funny how something so simple can.. make me go crazy. That's all he said. That's all he really had to say. I'm not saying that I'm into Kevin again. I've thought about it actually, and I'm as over it as I can get because essentially, the first if always going to sting. It's always going to be in my mind. I thought about Eric so much after.. and to be honest, we didn't even really talk, so just imagine how it's going to be with Kevin.
We had dinner yesterday. I haven't really talked to him since before Snow Trip. He's IMed me or texted me a few times, and he sent me this message on Facebook that I responded to. That message on Facebook was heavy stuff, and even though at the time I was really happy with my life, it was just really heavy. I felt like the message had a hold on me, like it meant so much more than I actually thought it did. I stopped responding to what he told me in that message.
Even though I was extremely into Kevin.. it wasn't good for me, and I know that. My confidence went down. I lost my self-esteem. I worried about how I looked constantly. I felt like I was never good enough. I felt unattractive. I constantly compared myself to other people. I changed my schedule, did everything I could for him. I bent over backwards to make him happy. And you know what? During most of the relationship.. I felt like he didn't care. And I told him that towards the end. I told him in October, and that's the first time he saw me cry.. it hurts when I think about that moment. I think about how he looked, and I remember his face. His eyes. How concerned that he felt that way.. I remember that one Saturday night when I went over... so hurt by what he told him.. only to find myself crying and holding onto him so tight. I remember going to the bathroom and locking myself in.. him knocking on the door asking me to talk to him. I remember crying on the bed. I remember wanting to sleep so badly.
As much as I remember the positive things about the relationship, there were really big negatives, and essentially... I didn't deserve that. I deserve better. Kevin knew that, and I didn't. I think at the time, my esteem was so low that I didn't believe that.
I see all the changed that Kevin's made in the little contact that we've had. I really think he's changed, and I'm really happy for him. I hope he finds someone for him, and more importantly, I hope he treats her right.
After being in a relationship, I often wonder a lot about other people's relationships.. who do I know out there that was like me? Let's be honest, I wasn't in a very good relationship, but no one around me knew that.. no one ever knew that until I told them I wasn't treated very well after we broke up. I'm sure there are people out there that are just like me.
I still find myself doing habits that I developed when I was with Kevin. None of them good. I worry about clothes I wear a lot, even though I don't wear very impressive things. I talk down about myself, and I don't give myself the credit I deserve. My thoughts criticize everything I do, and I tell myself that it's not good enough. I tell myself I need to do things.. sometimes not because I want to.. but because in some indirect way, it will spite him.
A low self-esteem and a lack of confidence is something I find extremely unattractive.... and the only person I've shared most of my insecurities with still likes me.. still loves me. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. What I do know is that I'm not sick of him. I love being around him. I can tell him, and pretty much tell him anything. He can see me seriously, which is ultimately a huge thing. I care about him, and this time it's mutual.
(I wrote in a private entry that Kevin makes me feel amazing. Honestly, when I think back on it, he didn't make me feel amazing. I wanted him to make me feel amazing. I told myself he made me feel amazing.)
THIS GUY, on the other hand, makes me feel so amazing. He's amazing, and he doesn't realize how lucky I am. Seriously, I'm so insanely lucky. He says I'm the lucky one.. but he doesn't see what I see.
What's it mean to really love another person? I'm not one to toss around that term, but I lately, I've been wanting to say it. I feel a need to say it. Honestly, it bothers me that I don't allow myself to say it.
Two friends have heard the way I talk about him. They both say it sounds like I'm in love.. Honestly, I'm not trying to prove them wrong.
He's just so... amazing. He makes me feel amazing. He tells me I'm beautiful, and honestly, I never thought a word could mean so much. I trust him, and honestly, that's so hard for me. I trust him completely, and we make promises. Not just any promises, but pinky promises. The ones that mean most to me. He accepts me. He talks to me. I talk to him. I'm so comfortable around him, physically and emotionally.. but also psychologically. We hold similar views on topics. He appreciates me. I appreciate him. He cares for me. I care for him. I'm scared out of my mind about losing him, and so is he. I've told him things I've never said aloud. He's so lame and dorky, but it goes so well with me. I can be myself. I don't need to tone down any part of him. More than anything.. I want to take him home to my parents. I want to take him home to my friends. I want people to see him, see how he treat me, and I want everyone to know how lucky I am to ever have anyone like this. He's says he's the lucky one, but honestly.. I'm so insanely lucky.
2/21/11
Two friends have heard the way I talk about him. They both say it sounds like I'm in love.. Honestly, I'm not trying to prove them wrong.
He's just so... amazing. He makes me feel amazing. He tells me I'm beautiful, and honestly, I never thought a word could mean so much. I trust him, and honestly, that's so hard for me. I trust him completely, and we make promises. Not just any promises, but pinky promises. The ones that mean most to me. He accepts me. He talks to me. I talk to him. I'm so comfortable around him, physically and emotionally.. but also psychologically. We hold similar views on topics. He appreciates me. I appreciate him. He cares for me. I care for him. I'm scared out of my mind about losing him, and so is he. I've told him things I've never said aloud. He's so lame and dorky, but it goes so well with me. I can be myself. I don't need to tone down any part of him. More than anything.. I want to take him home to my parents. I want to take him home to my friends. I want people to see him, see how he treat me, and I want everyone to know how lucky I am to ever have anyone like this. He's says he's the lucky one, but honestly.. I'm so insanely lucky.
2/21/11
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