I guess it's about time for a post in 2014.

In the time that has passed from the last time I've been on this blog, a lot has changed. & yet, I'm not feeling motivated enough to sit down and discuss these changes with you.

I've been feeling off these past few days. My brain has been getting tired, and I feel as though I've been going through the motions of everything in life. Go to class, go home, go to work, go to a meeting, etc. It's just been these past few days, but I do have to admit that I'm getting tired. Maybe I'm just getting burned out. Or maybe it's something else.

Because, honestly, I feel like crap for exposing myself and feeling vulnerable, only not not receive what I set out to do. That after all these accomplishments, and proving that I am more than capable of team building and creating a positive, cohesive group that I'm not trusted enough to maintain the majority. Of all things to blame, there are many- improper demonstration, pity, more time, but honestly, it kills me. Not for my self esteem, but rather this organization which I care so much about. It's that point where you care so much that you're concerned for the future of it, and the way it develops. Where is the faith? I fear for the future, and it pains me knowing I'm unable to fix things from within.

This semester, I have received more than enough criticism, I've questioned my strengths as a person, and have made myself vulnerable way beyond comfort level. I care too much about this organization to let it go in flames, I know I should have more faith in people.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

Offsetting. It's offsetting when social media becomes the way you express yourself. When twitter hides your secrets, Tumblr becomes a double life, and this blog becomes the outlet to my head.

It's just that this week has been really hard for me. Coffee every day + late nights. With all the stress of APO, making sure the kids are okay and not dying. And school. This has been one of the toughest school weeks. I failed my exam on Wednesday that I started studying for a last week (which is beyond rare for me). I had two group presentations and a paper due Monday. (& I didn't turn in a paper Tuesday) & of course the huge paper I just turned in today. Not to mention the emotional stress I've been in all week. Plus the drama, oh we can't ever forget the drama which is constantly draining.

I'm beyond exhausted.

& yet, I know that complaining and tell you about everything doesn't help. If anything, it stresses you out so I don't want to tell you. Especially APO stuff. When I get carried away, all it does it annoy you. & it sucks, believe me it sucks because whenever I'm super stressed or worried, I turn to you, only I couldn't do that this week. There wasn't free time when I had free time. There wasn't time to just sit and breathe and calm down. Instead of having one thing happen, dealing with it & letting it go, everything just piled up. Everything. And I just feel so tired and exhausted and drained.

I know it's not your fault, once Wednesday hit, all I was looking forward to was tonight. I was looking forward to being with you. That's what got me though the times that didn't match up. The offers to do something but we didn't.

Yesterday I was so bad. All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and lay there forever, but I stayed up and worked on my paper 'til 5 so I would get it done early to be with you. Granted, I didn't get it done early & as expected, I finished it right before it was due, but I can't help but be really upset that we aren't seeing each other tonight. It's no one's fault, I'm not mad at you, I'm upset at the situation and this week and myself and everything. & this just put sprinkles on the week I've been having.

It just sucks when you plan for something & it's your motivation to get you through a tough time & it doesn't happen. Or when you plan a day around something you're expecting & now it just seems like such a waste.

I feel like I've just been bottling everything up cause it's not worth it. I know you don't mean it, but it's not worth talking to you about all this APO stuff, and having me let my stuff out, only to have you respond is  your why-do-you-care/it-doesn't-matter attitude. It ends up hurting me. I guess I'm getting hurt regardless. I'm dying inside, slowly. & honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do in school. I'm freaking out & screaming inside, but there's so many other things to worry about. There's so many thoughts in my head, it really is exhausting.

Is it better to let things out & end up feeling hurt by the reaction, or bottling everything and having break downs when I'm alone in my room? Both suck completely.

I'm tired of both. I'm tired of that feeling I get when I walk away or hang up the phone. I'm tired of the break downs and sleeping, holding onto my pillows. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of not feeling motivated to do anything. I'm tired of doing so much for everything/one that my own life is suffering. I'm tried of this semester. I'm tired of school.I'm tired of going to things out of obligation Vs actually wanting it. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of not wanting anything. I'm tired of complaining.  I'm tired of it all.

I'm tired of being strong in front of my kids. Because in reality, I haven't been this weak in a long time.

Acute Stress Disorder

Symptoms begin within groups weeks of the trauma and last for less than one month. 

Events that are more likely to cause disorder than others: combat, disasters, abuse, victimization.
People who have been abused or victimized often experience lingering stress symptoms.
Psychological impact is immediate and may be long-lasting.
Must have experienced some traumatic event, then persistent re-experiencing of traumatic event such as: dreaming, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, constant memories. Stimuli or situations will bring back memories.
Post-traumatic stress disorder may develop from acute stress disorder. Symptoms can begin at any time following the trauma, but must last longer than one month.
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Learning becomes learning when you see yourself in the material. never really saw myself in it, until now. 

Life has been busier than ever, and all I can really do is think about my kiddos nearly constantly. It's weird because I'm not a usual get attached person, but OMG. My kids, man. 

I took a few steps back the other night. I'm not sure how it started. Oh wait.. I know how it started. I was on Instagram & he commented on a picture I was tagged in. How stupid. It's weird how one thing can happen & then life spirals in and out of no where I'm laying in my bed in the dark with wandering thoughts. However, it's fine. Haven't done that in a long time & honestly, it's not even an emotional draining thing. It's just me being physically tired from not having the sleep. My heart didn't race from the nerves or judgement or the fear of words or anything. 

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Alpha Phi Omega has been one of the... weirdest experiences by far this semester. I feel like I've been having a brand new experience this semester. I mean yes, I've been around forever. I've been to my fair share of Chapters. I have a bunch of experience, but it's beyond different. I feel as though I'm going through my own form of pledging. I'm opening up more to people. I'm connected with more brothers. I'm enjoying the Executive Committee so much. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have people. Granted, no, I don't hang out with people outside of APO because all I really do it PT/PE stuff, (sometimes) school, APO stuff, and hang out with my love. APO events constitute as hanging out. No, no lunch dates and hanging out for me. Even now, I feel like I don't have much time. But it's quite refreshing. 

But all the time & energy & emotions (for once), I'm investing this semester has already come to bite me in the butt once. How in the world a class "revolts" is beyond me, but I feel as though since it happened, it was extremely awkward. After about a week, everything blew over & everything is fine. I really do love my kiddos, all of them. Sure, there are people who I don't get along with, but that's just people, and it doesn't mean I don't love them. I care for all my kiddos, no matter what 

There's a part of me that's scared of them though. Scared to let them do their own thing. Scared of social media and what goes on when I'm not around. Scared of their words & judgement. Scared on their impact on others 

Scared of their binders, of their quizzes/finals. I'm scared for these kids and I wish they knew how much I care. Been spending nearly all my free time (during the day) with them, and I just hope that my effort is noticed by them. 

I hope my loud nature and enthusiasm, with that splash of super princess diva and angry serious mom + APO knowledge-filled over-caring active member doesn't scare them away. Man, I have some pretty interesting characteristics. Two pledge meetings left. It's ending too soon. 

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I thought this semester would be really hard on our relationship. Honestly, it really does suck not seeing each other. Or seeing each other, but not having our time together. It sucks that our school schedules don't go well together and my hard weeks are your easy weeks & vice versa. Plus my kiddos taking so much of my attention.

Although I took my steps back this weekend, I feel like I'm soaring. I feel like I'm on a cloud (Cloud 9, hehehe). I love spending my weekends with you & asking stupid questions and getting mad at stupid little things like you not putting the seat down. I love having you in my arms & listening to your heart. I love the way you smile and make me feel loved. I love how everyone loves you, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're mine. I love that you leave jackets here and I steal them. I love your eyes. I love how much you care & how understanding you are 

I think about how I'm not grateful enough. Where in the world would I be without you by my side? I'd probably be stuck in that cycle of unhealthiness in a dark place. I don't reflect enough about how lucky I am. What in the world did I do to deserve someone like you? Someone like youuuuu

 I feel like I always end my posts with some corny stuff about you, but I don't mind. You're the one I like being with. I love your company. 

Me: Tell me something I don't know about you!

You: *Pause* I think you know everything. What don't you know about me?

Me: ......I don't know

You: Tell me something I don't know about you

Me: *Long Pause* Uhhhhh... I give up 

I just fell so content with everything.. but school. 

9/7/13

Children- I have children! Last night was the Pinning ceremony. It all seems surreal. This was the 6th Pinning I've attended. Holy crap, I'm getting old. & yet, this was insanely different. Who knows what will come of this journey. Who knows what'll happen. All I know is, I love my kiddos, and I don't even know them. I'm holding my arms wide open (Without scarying/overwhelming them. Their comfort level is what I'm most concerned of) It's a big pledge class, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm concerned with Risk Management issues. I'm concerned with booking a retreat for so many people. I'm concerned with actives influencing them. I'm concerned with one bad apple spoiling the bunch. I'm concerned for people not being here for the right reasons.

Officially at 6 PA's. At least it's an even number.

I'm a momma. Holy crap. It's official. Time to start learning some names. Hello, Kiddos :)

I wonder if my kiddos will ever find my blog one day. Who knows. It's 4 weeks in, but it feels like I've had no time with my kids, yet I've had so much time with them. From a professional stand point, I'm extremely proud of all my kids. From the 53 that got pinned, to the 49 that are all my children, I'm beyond excited for the stories they tell me. I'm excited that they're enjoying pledging. I'm beyond excited when I hear them talking about wanting to do leadership positions. I can't wait for the moment that I'm at their Activation watching their real journey into this organization. I can't wait for the moment that all this stress is relieved from them. When they can cast away all their stress and anxiety, and look at how far they have grown through this program that we're created for them. Granted, our program is no walk in the park. It's not easy. I'm strict because my mommas were strict on me, but granted, if they weren't so strict on us, I would not have grown up so quickly. I would not be proud of my letters, and I would not be the person I am today. I'm a proud mama to all my kiddos. 

It's weird. It's a whole different world. I can't explain it to people. Relationships within APO are hard enough to explain, but explaining the role of a pledge mom is the weirdest, most complicated relationship ever. 

I'm excited for my children to go on their retreat. I can't believe how fast everything is going. Retreat is this weekend. LSR Sunday, BSR the following Saturday. That with school, and there really is more than enough things to occupy my mind. Don't even get me started with the flashback and current things running through my brain. 

It's a challenging semester, in more ways than one and I would not have predicted it. I mean sure, there are certain aspects that I understand, but I didn't expect to feel so close to my coworkers. I didn't expect to love working with the kids at work. I didn't expect to hate volunteering at the VA. I didn't expect memorizing kiddos names & getting to know them to be so hard. I expected/didn't expect how clingy I would become. I didn't expect so many units. I didn't expect all these thoughts trickling into my life. It's weird. Being submerged in a completely different pledge program has caused all these flashbacks for me. It's weird though 'cause I still don't remember much of pledging. Pushing back those memories, yet having them come back has been pretty tough these past few days especially.