Because, honestly, I feel like crap for exposing myself and feeling vulnerable, only not not receive what I set out to do. That after all these accomplishments, and proving that I am more than capable of team building and creating a positive, cohesive group that I'm not trusted enough to maintain the majority. Of all things to blame, there are many- improper demonstration, pity, more time, but honestly, it kills me. Not for my self esteem, but rather this organization which I care so much about. It's that point where you care so much that you're concerned for the future of it, and the way it develops. Where is the faith? I fear for the future, and it pains me knowing I'm unable to fix things from within.

This semester, I have received more than enough criticism, I've questioned my strengths as a person, and have made myself vulnerable way beyond comfort level. I care too much about this organization to let it go in flames, I know I should have more faith in people.

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

Offsetting. It's offsetting when social media becomes the way you express yourself. When twitter hides your secrets, Tumblr becomes a double life, and this blog becomes the outlet to my head.

It's just that this week has been really hard for me. Coffee every day + late nights. With all the stress of APO, making sure the kids are okay and not dying. And school. This has been one of the toughest school weeks. I failed my exam on Wednesday that I started studying for a last week (which is beyond rare for me). I had two group presentations and a paper due Monday. (& I didn't turn in a paper Tuesday) & of course the huge paper I just turned in today. Not to mention the emotional stress I've been in all week. Plus the drama, oh we can't ever forget the drama which is constantly draining.

I'm beyond exhausted.

& yet, I know that complaining and tell you about everything doesn't help. If anything, it stresses you out so I don't want to tell you. Especially APO stuff. When I get carried away, all it does it annoy you. & it sucks, believe me it sucks because whenever I'm super stressed or worried, I turn to you, only I couldn't do that this week. There wasn't free time when I had free time. There wasn't time to just sit and breathe and calm down. Instead of having one thing happen, dealing with it & letting it go, everything just piled up. Everything. And I just feel so tired and exhausted and drained.

I know it's not your fault, once Wednesday hit, all I was looking forward to was tonight. I was looking forward to being with you. That's what got me though the times that didn't match up. The offers to do something but we didn't.

Yesterday I was so bad. All I wanted to do was sit in my bed and lay there forever, but I stayed up and worked on my paper 'til 5 so I would get it done early to be with you. Granted, I didn't get it done early & as expected, I finished it right before it was due, but I can't help but be really upset that we aren't seeing each other tonight. It's no one's fault, I'm not mad at you, I'm upset at the situation and this week and myself and everything. & this just put sprinkles on the week I've been having.

It just sucks when you plan for something & it's your motivation to get you through a tough time & it doesn't happen. Or when you plan a day around something you're expecting & now it just seems like such a waste.

I feel like I've just been bottling everything up cause it's not worth it. I know you don't mean it, but it's not worth talking to you about all this APO stuff, and having me let my stuff out, only to have you respond is  your why-do-you-care/it-doesn't-matter attitude. It ends up hurting me. I guess I'm getting hurt regardless. I'm dying inside, slowly. & honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do in school. I'm freaking out & screaming inside, but there's so many other things to worry about. There's so many thoughts in my head, it really is exhausting.

Is it better to let things out & end up feeling hurt by the reaction, or bottling everything and having break downs when I'm alone in my room? Both suck completely.

I'm tired of both. I'm tired of that feeling I get when I walk away or hang up the phone. I'm tired of the break downs and sleeping, holding onto my pillows. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of not feeling motivated to do anything. I'm tired of doing so much for everything/one that my own life is suffering. I'm tried of this semester. I'm tired of school.I'm tired of going to things out of obligation Vs actually wanting it. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of not wanting anything. I'm tired of complaining.  I'm tired of it all.

I'm tired of being strong in front of my kids. Because in reality, I haven't been this weak in a long time.

Acute Stress Disorder

Symptoms begin within groups weeks of the trauma and last for less than one month. 

Events that are more likely to cause disorder than others: combat, disasters, abuse, victimization.
People who have been abused or victimized often experience lingering stress symptoms.
Psychological impact is immediate and may be long-lasting.
Must have experienced some traumatic event, then persistent re-experiencing of traumatic event such as: dreaming, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, constant memories. Stimuli or situations will bring back memories.
Post-traumatic stress disorder may develop from acute stress disorder. Symptoms can begin at any time following the trauma, but must last longer than one month.
---
Learning becomes learning when you see yourself in the material. never really saw myself in it, until now.