Life has been busier than ever, and all I can really do is think about my kiddos nearly constantly. It's weird because I'm not a usual get attached person, but OMG. My kids, man. 

I took a few steps back the other night. I'm not sure how it started. Oh wait.. I know how it started. I was on Instagram & he commented on a picture I was tagged in. How stupid. It's weird how one thing can happen & then life spirals in and out of no where I'm laying in my bed in the dark with wandering thoughts. However, it's fine. Haven't done that in a long time & honestly, it's not even an emotional draining thing. It's just me being physically tired from not having the sleep. My heart didn't race from the nerves or judgement or the fear of words or anything. 

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Alpha Phi Omega has been one of the... weirdest experiences by far this semester. I feel like I've been having a brand new experience this semester. I mean yes, I've been around forever. I've been to my fair share of Chapters. I have a bunch of experience, but it's beyond different. I feel as though I'm going through my own form of pledging. I'm opening up more to people. I'm connected with more brothers. I'm enjoying the Executive Committee so much. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have people. Granted, no, I don't hang out with people outside of APO because all I really do it PT/PE stuff, (sometimes) school, APO stuff, and hang out with my love. APO events constitute as hanging out. No, no lunch dates and hanging out for me. Even now, I feel like I don't have much time. But it's quite refreshing. 

But all the time & energy & emotions (for once), I'm investing this semester has already come to bite me in the butt once. How in the world a class "revolts" is beyond me, but I feel as though since it happened, it was extremely awkward. After about a week, everything blew over & everything is fine. I really do love my kiddos, all of them. Sure, there are people who I don't get along with, but that's just people, and it doesn't mean I don't love them. I care for all my kiddos, no matter what 

There's a part of me that's scared of them though. Scared to let them do their own thing. Scared of social media and what goes on when I'm not around. Scared of their words & judgement. Scared on their impact on others 

Scared of their binders, of their quizzes/finals. I'm scared for these kids and I wish they knew how much I care. Been spending nearly all my free time (during the day) with them, and I just hope that my effort is noticed by them. 

I hope my loud nature and enthusiasm, with that splash of super princess diva and angry serious mom + APO knowledge-filled over-caring active member doesn't scare them away. Man, I have some pretty interesting characteristics. Two pledge meetings left. It's ending too soon. 

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I thought this semester would be really hard on our relationship. Honestly, it really does suck not seeing each other. Or seeing each other, but not having our time together. It sucks that our school schedules don't go well together and my hard weeks are your easy weeks & vice versa. Plus my kiddos taking so much of my attention.

Although I took my steps back this weekend, I feel like I'm soaring. I feel like I'm on a cloud (Cloud 9, hehehe). I love spending my weekends with you & asking stupid questions and getting mad at stupid little things like you not putting the seat down. I love having you in my arms & listening to your heart. I love the way you smile and make me feel loved. I love how everyone loves you, but it doesn't matter 'cause you're mine. I love that you leave jackets here and I steal them. I love your eyes. I love how much you care & how understanding you are 

I think about how I'm not grateful enough. Where in the world would I be without you by my side? I'd probably be stuck in that cycle of unhealthiness in a dark place. I don't reflect enough about how lucky I am. What in the world did I do to deserve someone like you? Someone like youuuuu

 I feel like I always end my posts with some corny stuff about you, but I don't mind. You're the one I like being with. I love your company. 

Me: Tell me something I don't know about you!

You: *Pause* I think you know everything. What don't you know about me?

Me: ......I don't know

You: Tell me something I don't know about you

Me: *Long Pause* Uhhhhh... I give up 

I just fell so content with everything.. but school. 

9/7/13

Children- I have children! Last night was the Pinning ceremony. It all seems surreal. This was the 6th Pinning I've attended. Holy crap, I'm getting old. & yet, this was insanely different. Who knows what will come of this journey. Who knows what'll happen. All I know is, I love my kiddos, and I don't even know them. I'm holding my arms wide open (Without scarying/overwhelming them. Their comfort level is what I'm most concerned of) It's a big pledge class, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm concerned with Risk Management issues. I'm concerned with booking a retreat for so many people. I'm concerned with actives influencing them. I'm concerned with one bad apple spoiling the bunch. I'm concerned for people not being here for the right reasons.

Officially at 6 PA's. At least it's an even number.

I'm a momma. Holy crap. It's official. Time to start learning some names. Hello, Kiddos :)

I wonder if my kiddos will ever find my blog one day. Who knows. It's 4 weeks in, but it feels like I've had no time with my kids, yet I've had so much time with them. From a professional stand point, I'm extremely proud of all my kids. From the 53 that got pinned, to the 49 that are all my children, I'm beyond excited for the stories they tell me. I'm excited that they're enjoying pledging. I'm beyond excited when I hear them talking about wanting to do leadership positions. I can't wait for the moment that I'm at their Activation watching their real journey into this organization. I can't wait for the moment that all this stress is relieved from them. When they can cast away all their stress and anxiety, and look at how far they have grown through this program that we're created for them. Granted, our program is no walk in the park. It's not easy. I'm strict because my mommas were strict on me, but granted, if they weren't so strict on us, I would not have grown up so quickly. I would not be proud of my letters, and I would not be the person I am today. I'm a proud mama to all my kiddos. 

It's weird. It's a whole different world. I can't explain it to people. Relationships within APO are hard enough to explain, but explaining the role of a pledge mom is the weirdest, most complicated relationship ever. 

I'm excited for my children to go on their retreat. I can't believe how fast everything is going. Retreat is this weekend. LSR Sunday, BSR the following Saturday. That with school, and there really is more than enough things to occupy my mind. Don't even get me started with the flashback and current things running through my brain. 

It's a challenging semester, in more ways than one and I would not have predicted it. I mean sure, there are certain aspects that I understand, but I didn't expect to feel so close to my coworkers. I didn't expect to love working with the kids at work. I didn't expect to hate volunteering at the VA. I didn't expect memorizing kiddos names & getting to know them to be so hard. I expected/didn't expect how clingy I would become. I didn't expect so many units. I didn't expect all these thoughts trickling into my life. It's weird. Being submerged in a completely different pledge program has caused all these flashbacks for me. It's weird though 'cause I still don't remember much of pledging. Pushing back those memories, yet having them come back has been pretty tough these past few days especially.