What am I hiding? Why is it always uncomfortable for me to say, "I have a boyfriend"? It's weird since most people just slip it into conversations. Most people mention, "Oh, my boyfriend is [insert] too. He likes to [insert]." It seems like just the other day, I was talking like that too. People don't realize the implications. They not think about how much pain and ache is in the, "Oh, we broke up" that has to be said to every single person you ever even mentioned you had a boyfriend to. That's just the interactions with people you see on a daily basis. When you finally start to get over the break up, you  see an old friend, or a person you don't see often, and go back to square one. Also, you start to think about the ex's, and their satisfaction. Is it worth it to inflict pain upon an ex, telling them you're with another? Is it worth it knowing their satisfaction when it all goes down? But does not mentioning a boyfriend constitute as leading a person on? Where's the balance?

Yet, love leaves a sting like no other. I used to never understand it. But then I realized how hard it is to be friends with an Ex. I guess it's just me being immature, and at times bitter, but I respect people who can remain friends with one another. It's easy to cut off ties when the relationship was unhealthy or bad, but what about when it was good? It doesn't matter how it happens, but there's always a sting. There's always an awkward feeling. Maybe it takes work to get over it, but it  seems uncomfortable to me.

I wonder sometimes, about Mr. Could-Have-Been-Ex. I wonder what would have happened if I was mature back then. If I was able to express my feelings. If I was able to communicate efficiently. I wonder if I would have gotten annoyed or mad, rather than just sad. I wonder what would have happened if I had the courage. I look at what I was thinking back then.. what was I thinking? I must have just enjoyed flirting and talking to a person. I didn't want a relationship for reasons I have yet to really accept, but merely because I heard it & trusted the source- so easily influenced. Also so innocent. All those nights spend day dreaming over a person I didn't even spend one-on-one time with in person. All those sleepless nights spend talking at night. I often wonder what would have happened. Though, I realize that it's the past. What's done is done.

I remember years ago, I'd text him randomly when I had a really bad day, or I was really unhappy. I'd never tell him, of course, but I'd get a text message that was so.. not serious, and then I would remember why it would have never worked out. I didn't really have a serious conversation with him. It wouldn't have worked unless we both matured together, 'cause boy did we have a lot of maturing to do.

I look at where I am now, and how far I've come. I look at my experiences, and can't help but be grateful for this lame butt who compliments me so well- who deals with my short attention span, princess attitude, clingy butt, lame jokes, and ambitious nature. My lame butt who brings out a side of me I never knew existed, but loves me regardless. The guy who supports me in figuring out my dreams and goals in life. The man who's always a few steps ahead of me, but doesn't mind waiting. His simple solutions are what I need. Then again, if I get all of this, what does he get? That's for him to know and for me to not understand. I lava you banana berry much.

I know you didn't mean it. You had no idea how I would react. & honestly, I don't remember what happened before that moment.

I wish I were prettier. I wish I was more content with how I looked. I wish I was more confident in my actions. I wish I reacted differently.  I wish I communicated more efficiently. I wish I wasn't so shy. I wish I was comfortable. I wish that I listened to you. I wish I wasn't so conservative. & I wish I didn't think so much. I wish I wasn't broken.