Is working in SJ even worth it? This three hours a week thing is horrible. Last week was Labor Day so I didn't even have work. Do the kids even remember me? What sucks is that it already takes me forever to get used to a work environment. Ugh, I'm so impatient. And I can't believe I forgot to sign in for a day too. And it costs three hundred something to have my car here this semester. What the heck.. and now my emblem thing on one of my wheels got stolen. Why is SJ so ghetto? At least I got my paycheck from my summer job. & I'm working for my dad today. What's sad is one day of work is basically a month of work at my SJ job. Sigh. If things don't improve in a few months, I rather just save the trouble and not have my car here and quit. Because honestly, it's not worth it. I feel like my car would have been safer at my friend's place... and a lot cheaper, but my parents didn't want me to walk so far. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I listened to him and didn't do Alpha Phi Omega. Would I still be in a relationship that wasn't right? Would have have stayed close to the friends I had freshman year? Would have have figured out my major so I wouldn't be in a pickle. Would I have a higher GPA? Would I be just as daring and social as my first semester? I often wonder if I would have pledged later on. Would I be close to my pledge class? Would I be working? Would I actually GSD? Alpha Phi Omega has been good to me. It's given me a chance to help others out, and meet people I would have probably never met. In the end, I'm glad I did it. it brought be close to a people. I never would have thought that I'd meet a person like that in my life. Alpha Phi Omega has opened my eyes to so many thinks. I've learned to accept so many different types of people. I've been proven wrong about so many things, though I hate to admit it.

Then again, should I be happy that I can make myself busy? That I have the ability to fill my life with a constant stream of things to do? yet if I wanted, I could disappear and no one would notice. I feel like that's the worst part about Alpha Phi Omega. We're such a huge organization that not everyone would notice if I disappeared. The only people that would notice are the ones that see me on a regular basis, and honestly, not many people see me daily.

Joining an organization such as this may seem like a boring choice, or one that doesn't really affect a person's life.. but honestly, it's affected mine so much, but not in the way that people would expect it to. I feel like I've grown a lot from the organization. I feel that although I'm not extremely involved, I'm aware of the issues we need to work on as a Chapter. I'm aware of the all the work and thought that goes into every event. More than anything, I appreciate everything. Even when it goes wrong. And believe me, it does go wrong.

I see so many flaws, but in the end, I guess I'm happy that I joined. I'm happy to see people work out flaws and voice my opinion. I'm happy that I'm stronger.

And although it doesn't seem like it, Alpha Phi Omega really has helped me deal with stress, to a point. It helps me stay on top of what I need to get done, and although I'm still bad at it, I've learned how to manage my time.

I'm glad that I when I pledged, I did it for myself. At the time I made the decision to pledge, I was at a point in my life where I did everything for another person. I didn't even dress the way I wanted to. I interacted with one person, and only a few people outside of him and his friends (when he was alright with me interacting with them). Although I grew stronger, I guess what bothers me is that I never grew strong enough to break away from a relationship that wasn't right for me. I still regret that. But what I don't regret is listening to myself in choosing to join this organization. Because essentially, he didn't want me to do it. He didn't think I could do it. But you know what? I did it. I've grown from it, and although you may not think I'm done much... I've accomplished so much after joining this organization.

What's sad though is.. I know the truth. Eventually, I'm going to get sick of this organization and being inactive or just avoid Alpha Phi Omega. It happens to a majority of the members. As sad as it sounds, even now I'm getting a little tired of the routine. Service, fellowship, brotherhood, dues, Chapter meetings, Rush, Bigs, Littles, Picking up. Honestly, it's getting a little played out. It's not exciting anymore. I have a feeling I'm just going to continue to do everything in order to keep myself busy because honestly, if I don't have anything keeping me busy, I know I'm just going to socialize too much. And my grades will be worse than they already are.

Right now, I don't think I can imagine myself without Alpha Phi Omega. I feel like I don't have anything else to do. I feel like.. I don't really have people outside of the organization anymore. I feel like I threw away those friendships when I got in a relationship, and didn't bother chasing after them after it was over. I feel like I'm a horrible people person, that I won't really be able to keep friendships into my adult life because I either don't keep up with them, or I end up realizing that I actually don't enjoy their company. I say I'm a people-person, but am I really? I don't believe I am. I think I've matured a lot, actually. I know it doesn't seem like it based off of the way I present myself, but when I hang out with people from my past, I realize how much I've grown and I realize why it is that I don't keep in touch with certain people.

I wish I never stopped journaling when I entered college. I wish I could read back on the old me and remember just how naive and judgmental I was.

I wish I could go on and write more, but I know better. I have busy weekend of APO stuff and a sleepover, and hopefully a fun & eventful Monday to look forward to. I should get some homework done.
You know what though? So far, this weekend has made up for this horrible week. But by this time next month, everything should work out :)