I hate those moments when you flash through my mind. I hate knowing that you probably don't give a sh/t about me. That you never knew how much you meant to me. I hate how I bent over backwards trying to please you, and you never showed you cared. I hate how much I worried constantly. How I disconnected myself from so many people, giving then up to be with you. I hate how it took me forever to pack away all you sh/t in a box that haunts me when I come home. I hate how even after it was over, I still made stars for you. I hate how picky you were. I hate your criticism. I hate how you made me feel about myself. I hate how I felt stupid. I hate how I felt ugly. I hate how I was never good enough. I hate how you were alright with me walking by myself constantly late at night. I hate how you yelled at me. I hate how nothing I seemed to please you. I hate how I gave up so much for you. I hate how you didn't support me. I hate how if I didn't plan something, we ended up doing absolutely nothing. I hate how I was so passive. I hate how I wasn't strong. I hate how even when I think about it, I don't accept all there things, but instead, I hate myself. I hate how sensitive I was. I hate how much I cried over you. I hate how you affected me. I hate how you affect me. But I want you to know, I don't hate you.

Last night I wrote a little note to my mom wishing her good luck oh her test that she's been super nervous about. This morning, my mom woke me up before work and thanked me. Then she told me she loved me. Sometimes I realize how much I take my parents for granted. I mean.. I go away to school, and when I'm home, all I really want to do is get out of the house. Just last summer, I swear I was barely home. This summer I'm home a lot more, but still not much. It makes me sad 'cause I realize how much of my life my parents don't know about anymore. It seems like just yesterday my mom was telling all her friends about how I told my mom everything. Last night, my dad went into my room and recommended some DVDs to watch. I kind of miss watching movies with my dad. That used to be our thing before I went to college. I kind of miss my brother too. Now we barely see each other, and when we're at home together we both do our own thing. Not to mention most of our conversations are just us criticizing each other. And now that I don't ask to take the car, we don't really talk much. When did I drift so far from my family?

So I guess I get a lot of Bro Code and stuff, but yesterday I learned something new about the Bro Code. FOR REAL? It makes me mad, actually. I'm not going to lie, I understand it and if I were in that position, I would really appreciate it.. but it sucks to be in my actual position.

I can't hang out with a person I consider MY FRIEND without him asking Kevin for his approval. Seriously? I understand it, but it's frustrating for me. I didn't even talk to him as much when I was with Kevin because he told me not to. Kevin and I are over, and I STILL can't hang out with him? You gotta admit that's not fair. For real. I don't wanna make a HUGE deal.. but really. It upsets me. I went hecka long not talking to him for Kevin, and after we're over I STILL need Kevin's approval? Ugh, I swear, it doesn't escape me. It's not like I'm trying to make a move or anything. I just wanna hang out with someone! Ugh.

PS. OMG, WHAT THE HECK. The preschool CALLED ME YESTERDAY! This is great! I know it's been hecka long and stuff, but working at a preschool like real experience, and although I would really rather work on campus, but I feel like having a preschool will be better on my resume. Especially since I might possibly work with kids in the future. Okay, my laptop is about dead, forget about reading this over. Back to watching TV.

I woke up at 8AM today. It's currently 9:20, and I'm still lazing in bed. I went to bed at like, 5 too. That Thai tea... I should have resisted. But I was happy that I was able to stay awake to Skype rather than just fall asleep. Even though that happened eventually.

I feel so exhausted, but I really need to get up because I want to get to SJ by 12, and I want to curl my hair again!

I think I'm currently really into curling my hair. I've done it twice in like, the past week, and it's kind of fun. I've always liked curly hair, and now I'm figuring out how to do it by myself. Hehehe. So exciting. Speaking of curly hair, I did it the other day, and I was also wearing a nice outfit, so I felt super trendy. Well, not super trendy, but I felt nice about how I was dressed. I think I realized how much more confidence I have when I dress nicely. Yes, I do realize that's kind of shallow, but it feels nice to look nice.

It's weird though because things like that remind me of Kevin. Because well, lately I've been getting into shopping. Which is both good and bad cause I HECKA need new clothes, and I actually hate shopping. (I'm riding the shopping wave for as long as possible). Anyways. All this kind of reminds me that I shouldn't dress for other people. I have so many items in my closet that I personally don't like because I bought them because Kevin liked them. Or I bought them because I though Kevin would like them. I do admit that it's a little weird shopping for myself after a while, but I am starting to enjoy it a little. It's a learning experience

BTW, got my JULY PAYCHECK, sucka. I'm so excited. But honestly, and I told this to my mom, this paycheck is kind of recovery from all the money I spent on Kevin. I know once I deposit it... it really isn't going to do much of anything for my bank account because I spent so much money. Not only on him, but last semester in general. Hah.

Applied for two jobs in SJ. Need to apply for another, then I'll be happy. I really need a job though.. like, for real this semester.

I'm good at diverting attention away from me. And honestly, that's probably how I'm going to live the rest of my life.

I haven't blogged in a while, and I don't journal anymore, so I haven't had much of any way of remember what's been happening in my life.. I read somewhere to make CD's every month or so because a song sparks memories during that time. Maybe I'll start making playlists or something. That might be better.. I should start downloading music again 'cause I kind of miss music.

Funny how one thing can spark a memory, then everything just seems to spiral down and things get blown out of proportion.

Life has been good. Lately I've been thinking about how different everything is compared to a year ago. Everything is so completely different. This time last year, Brian was in the hospital. I was working, and I was with Kevin. The only thing the same is work, but you know what? Even that is completely different. Now I'm comfortable at work. I'm slowly getting more confidence, and now I think I realize how much I know compared to the new employees. I don't feel extremely useless at work anymore. I mean yes, I still feel pretty useless, but I feel better. I can do phone calls now, and that makes me happy. :) I'm excited because today I'm going to hang out with work people. And I got a lot of hours this summer, so I'm really excited for the pay check which I should get this week :) Exciteddd. I only get paid once a month, but OMG I'M SO EXCITED. I need money, for real. Been on a shopping wave, and I'm trying to ride it for as long as possible. Been spending a lot of money, yayyy! Need to get going 'cause I have to stop by the ATM now. Then meeting with Mel and Judy, then bowling training with the newer employees. YAYYYY. Okay. I'm out. Bye.