Left Out

When I was in middle school, my friend told me I was rich. Not because of the school we went to to, the clothes I wore, the things I had, but because of my relationship with my parents. My family is more American than Chinese. Let me try and explain this properly. In my family, education is very important, but it's also important not to force anything. My parents always encouraged me to do my best, although I was never forced to get good grades. My parents believed I should only get good grades if I wanted good grades, not to please them. When I came home with a C, my parents would tell me it was okay as long as I was trying my hardest. My friend came to the conclusion that if my parents didn't yell at me or anything for that C, they didn't care. Rich parents don't care about their kids grades, therefore I must have been rich... according to my friend. Because of this being pointed out, I always felt left out when my classmates were forced to do well in school.

Sometimes I look at the relationship other people have with their parents and I feel extremely lucky. I mean, I have two parents who have been married for twenty-four years. (Knock on wood) Their story is pretty cute because my mom was a nerd, my dad was a jock, and they both met in the Ecology club. I also have a brother who's four years older than me. So when you think about it, it's the perfect American family, right? I know I shouldn't be complaining, but it's because of that I feel so left out. So many different things that can tear apart a family: divorce, affairs, money, drugs, drinking, medical diseases, the list goes on and on. Most of the time I feel as if I'm really lucky, but sometimes I get instances where I feel left out. I don't know what to say or how to react when people complain to me about their parents, or their family. I'm not saying my family is perfect because it definitely isn't. I just think there are much worse things that could happen to my family and they just so happen to affect the families that surround me. For that, I am thankful. When I hear about all these horrible things happening to everyone around me, I have no idea how to react.... and I feel left out.

Here's another example. Last week, my friends and I were in the lounge and we got on the subject of discipline. It was more along the lines of what our parents did to us. Many things were mentioned: being locked out of the house, spending the night in the garage with no lights on, bamboo shoots, clothes hangers (both metal and plastic), back of feather dusters, and good old fashion spanking. Can I just say one thing? I felt extremely left out, to the point where it wasn't even funny. I can't remember a time where I was hit, or even really yelled at by my parents. My friends were telling me how it's a good thing to not be apart of it, but when everyone around me has some similar upbringing, it makes me feel really left out.

Ice Skating

Image found on Google. Credit to whoever took it.

When I was little, I wanted to be a figure skater. I remember having to read biographies and I always, always read about Michelle Kwan, my favorite figure skater. I watched figure skating on TV with my mom. When I think about it, I'm not quite sure why I wanted to be a figure skater, except for the fact that I loved it so much.

Today was a furlough day. I guess when I think about it, furlough days should suck immensely, but I can't help but love any excuse for not having school. Today I spent my day ice skating with the girls from Pulse. There's something I just love about ice skating. Maybe it's the fact that I'm just floating. Maybe it's because I can slip or fall at any moment. Maybe it's because it reminds me of summer camp. Maybe it's because it's like every weekend when I asked my parents to go ice skating. Maybe it's like every time I asked my mom to put me in figure skating classes. Maybe it's because it's the first thing I wanted to be when I was little.... that I actually remember.

When I'm skating super fast, I can't help but just relax, only returning to reality when I lose my balance for just a second, catching myself right before I fall. The cold just adds to it, making me forget about my troubles, forcing me to focus on how cold I am. I really wish I could just go ice skating by myself. If I lived close enough to a rink, I would live there.

Finding the Right Words

There is one thing about me that I really do not like. I'm horrible with words when I'm trapped in a serious situation or I really need to put my message across. Give me a few minutes and a laptop and my words will flow out of my head, making everything okay. Sadly it doesn't work like that in the real world. The worst thing about this is the fact that I am unable to stop myself when I am talking. My words just slip out of myself, making it impossible for me to make any sense at all.

Because I enjoy writing, it broke my heart when someone who writes as often as me got placed in remedial English. Not just any remedial English, but LLD1, the lowest English ever. In the class yesterday, we were having a discussion about some article and I felt as if I was the only one talking and voicing my opinion.... or at least attempting to. I know I ramble, but sometimes I wish someone would listen to me and try to understand what I'm staying rather than just stare into space and ask me what I said 50 times, making my rambling 10 times worse than the original.

Banana Pancakes in the Morning

I came to a conclusion today. Here at San Jose State University, my favorite time of day is exactly 10:37AM on Mondays and Wednesdays. Now let me tell you why!

1. Late morning! Hard core people are done with classes for the day & lazy people haven't started class yet
   
2. People are in their classes!
   
3. Empty road! I get to walk nice & slow without fear of getting fun over by a biker or skate/long boarder!
4. It's sunny! I get to enjoy the sun. At this time, the sun's out, but it's not too hot and sometimes there are clouds (which I love to look at)!
   

So today at 10:37, I just spent my nice, slow time walking back to my dorm. It was as if everything was going to be okay. Everything is just out of my control & into God's hands. I felt at peace. I just knew today was going to be a good day.

We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes

Extremely Lucky

For some strange reason, I have been extremely lucky. I don't mean it in a "Oh, she got lucky! That's what she said!" type of way. I am talking about.... out of breath, "Oh My Goodness, how is it possible?" type of lucky.

For those of you who don't know, SJSU's dorms has an access card to get into the building. It's kind of like a scan card, only different. It gets me into my building, as well as the stairs and elevator. Also, ID cards are supposed to be on all students at all times. For a student with a meal plan like myself, it's my food. Because of my meal plan, I get $100 of gold points on my card, which is basically like a debit card for any store on campus. Because I'm so lucky, I lost both of them. Isn't that just perfect? Luckily, my access card, ID card, and the money I store in the plastic holder was put in the lost and found without anything missing. I was extremely lucky.

I broke my camera. I'm not talking a super cheap camera and it did not break because of me (exactly). You know that metal thing on an air hockey machine? That giant piece of metal fell on my camera, completely ruining it. I paid for that camera. Did I mention it's a touch screen camera?The metal fell on the touch screen. It looks as if someone shot a bullet into my camera. The after shock made dents on the other side of the camera too. It happened on my first day of college. Can you imagine my luck?
The weekend after, my parents visited me & my mom brought me her camera to use. The day after I got lucky with my ID card, I left my mom's camera in the second floor lounge. Bernee checked the room and the lost and found. It wasn't there. I checked the lost in found for myself and it wasn't there. I checked the room again with Kevin & Christella and I didn't see it. Christella checked in the chair cushions. To my amazement, she pulled out my camera. I was extremely lucky, again.

Just Like High School

When something is important to me, it really does matter to me.
It's really easy to gain my respect. It's somewhat difficult to lose my respect.

I get affected by drugs and alcohol a lot. If someone who I'm not close to does both of them, I don't exactly care, but if someone close to me dose stupid things, I take it harder than anyone I know. I lose my respect for those people. I don't look at them the same way. I never forget that they've done stuff. When I find out they still do stuff after knowing me, I lose hope. All my efforts go to waste and I'm never, ever the same person. The concept and my thoughts go way deeper than what I'm mentioning, but maybe that will be in a different entry.

I thought I'd leave these thoughts behind after I got out of high school, but I can't. I can't help but look back on my experiences with certain people and.... just slap myself in the face. I can't help but read back on my old journal entries and feel as if it happened yesterday.
Last time these feelings returned, I thought reading my yearbook would make me happier, make me see the change people claimed I made in their lives. Last time it didn't work. This time, well I'll let you know.

I got sidetracked. First my entry was supposed to be about my weekend, then my adventures with fellowship hopping, then I actually turned my laptop on because I wanted to write an entry about kissing. Now, now it's just like high school all over again.
How will I ever be able to sleep?

Read Me Like A Book

I finally starting sharing my Blog with people. For some reason, I'm nervous about things I post on here. Will people actually read it? Will people look at me differently? What will happen? Only time will tell.

One night Cameron was waiting for me to finishing my reading & while he was doing so, we were talking. He said I'm an open person. The day before yesterday, Christella was telling me her first impression of me. She said I'm a nice & open person, until it comes to illegal things, then I judge people. Nathan said I'm an innocent person. Bernee said I'm super nice & out-going, best friend material.

One day I had a conversation with Thomas. He was trying to "strengthen our relationship". Thomas uses weird phrases like that. I was getting annoyed when he was talking to me, expecting me to tell him my life story so we can "strengthen our relationship" with him, just because he asked. I remember I was asking him what he knew about me and he was saying things like: I like hippos, I don't like illegal things, and my favorite color is orange. He also said I'm an open person.

I know I've heard it a lot, but people think I'm an open person. I guess that's my personality. So just because I talk to strangers and I like to meet new people means I'm an open person?

Sometimes I don't know how to react to people's thoughts about me. Should I be telling them they're dead-on? Should I be trying to prove them wrong? Sometimes I wonder about that.

Goals for College

I made my first trip home this weekend. Sadly, I didn't even think about how much I'd miss SJSU at all. I miss my room. I miss my bed being so high up. Most of all, I miss all my friends. It's funny when I think about it because I've only known these people for the most part, two weeks, but I still miss them a lot.

You see, as of yesterday I started to miss one specific person from school. The sad this is, I don't even know this person. I don't even know his name. This is exactly the problem. I don't know anything about him. I have his face memorized, but that's about it. He's just "that guy" & I'm sure to him I'm "that girl". One day I'll talk to him though. I will. I'll actually get to know him. It'll be one of my goals.

Speaking of goals for the school year, I guess this would be a good time to compile a list of things I want to accomplish, am I right?

1. Find fellowship/church
2. Talk to "That Guy"
3. Make Brian get out of his shell (Because Pang said he's shy)
4. Talk to "Guy that reminds me of Ryan" in Bio
5. Talk to "Skater Kid" in Sociology
6. Learn how to skateboard
7. Make new friends
8. Take bus home rather than get a ride
9. Start running again
10. Eat healthier
11. Explore downtown
12. Webcam daily
13. Keep in touch with friends
14. Write letters
15. STUDY

Public Transportation

Yesterday I took the bus with Rendell, Brian & Nathan home! I got to take Caltrain! I've only taken in once when I was in 4th grade, but I don't remember much. For some reason, I thought it'd be different. I thought it would be more like a real train station where I had to stand in line to buy a ticket. Instead, it was like any old MUNI or BART station, except with a train.

As I sat on the train (by the window, of course!) I just looked out the window & listened to music. Thank goodness I charged my iPod the night before. Anyways, as I looked out the window, it made me think of those artists & stuff. Do they just sit on trains and write songs? I could totally see myself doing that.

I had some thoughts come across my mind though. Good thoughts turned into horrible thoughts which turned into sad thoughts. I'm glad I'm able to go away for college. I'm glad I'm able to put all that high school drama behind me. I'm not so glad that I haven't really talked to any of my high school friends since I left. I'm still upset at the things they've done. I'm still upset at myself for various reasons.

So after we took Caltrain, we took BART, then I was on my own & took Samtrans. It was sort of funny to me. I mean, I was taking the bus around 4PM and it was a Friday. Students from my old high school were taking the same bus as me, but I didn't really recognize them. To a stranger looking in, I was just another high school student who just so happened to be carrying a laptop. To me, I was a college student, making her way home for the first time in two weeks. I found it so strange that I used to know the bus route by heart, but as I took it yesterday, I forgot the whole route. It's like everything once familiar has now changed. It also reminded me of high school. Senior year, I thought I knew what would happen by heart, then as second semester rolled around, I had no idea what the route would be. I had no idea how many twists and turns would happen. I had no idea what was to come by graduation, even college.

Funny how public transportation makes people think.