Too much stuff to do.. I was hopeful, but that didn't really get me anywhere. The Scrapbook is honestly, no where near done, and we don't have many people helping out. I just woke up, it's 10AM, and it's due at... probably Chapter, 630. CRAPPPP. And it's kind of ugly because we don't have the time to fix it or spend time.. He's right... why did I bother? It seems like he's always right, but I'd never actually tell him that to his face.

What sucks about it is that when I was to get something done, or do something for pleasure or for myself, I never end up doing it.. I don't do things for me. What bothered me is that Kevin knew that, and I think he was one of the first people to call me out on that when I wanted to do something.. or he told me I couldn't do something. For little things.. that seemed like whatever, but then for bigger things, it sometimes bothered me. I remember telling him that I think I'm going to end up as a art major, and he said I couldn't handle it. I still think I'm going to end up as an art major.. but I feel like I shouldn't because Kevin told me I can't handle it. Why does that bother me? Now more than ever because one of the majors I'm debating is an art major.. I'm unsure why.

Today is April 10.. Despite all the crap I need to get done.. I still know it's April 10th. I totally didn't think about it until late last night when I was working on the scrapbook. It would have been a year.. I mean, estimated, it was almost a year, but officially, it wasn't. Sailor's Ball was last night. he took her. He seems so happy, I guess that's good. Like I said though, it just hurts that I was replaceable. It's like.. when you're a little kid and your mom says you're special... then growing up to realize that you're not. You're just an insignificant person that's replaced in a heartbeat. I don't know.. it still bothers me that I'm replaceable. I know it's stupid, but I am. It's bothers me how fast he moved on.. I don't know how long normal people wait though. What bothers me most is how much he's said he's learned from me... and if he's learned so much... shouldn't he have taken more time than to rush into things with another person..? I think this is common though. Aren't people supposed to feel pain when an ex gets with someone else? Because then.. it's like it's official.. they moved on. I guess I couldn't help but wish I was different to him.. more than anything, I feel like every one of his ex's... it's so stupid though.. Because when I was with him... I thought I was different than them. I didn't think I'd ever really have anything in common with them... I do now though.

Like I said... Sailor's was yesterday.. kind of sad.. well not really when I think about it. Kevin asked me to be his girlfriend that night. On a boat. By the back. He held me like Titanic, and even offered to take a picture. He was drinking. Not a lot though, he was at his good level (an I'm so thankful for that). The whole night was pretty awkward. I was intimidated by all the sorority girls.. who wouldn't be? I wasn't like the people there.. and I felt extremely out of place. But I was alright because Kevin was with me. I was one of the two or three sober people on the boat that night. So essentially, I didn't belong in that scene. He knew it. I knew it. Everyone knew it... yet I was still there. I remember getting dressed up.. trying to find a dress that's he's approve. A dress that would make me blend in with all the sorority girls. I had my friend do my hair and make up... to make me blend in with the sorority girls. Bernee did my eyebrows the day before. And yet, I still stuck out like a sore thumb. The thing is.. all my prep, all the stress for that ngiht was for him.. not for me. I mean, it makes sense. It was his event.. but still. I guess when I think about it, it was kind of messed up that the day where I didn't look or feel like myself, was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend.. What kind of message is that supposed to send?

And oh my gosh.. I remember this one conversation we had and I asked him what he would think if we broke up.. or something like that, and he said "When at least I was a better girlfriend to you than so-and-so" That would be his mentality when we broke up... really? He tried his best in everything. He's a perfectionist... and yet he didn't try that hard in a relationship? Bothered by that. I don't know.. sometimes I'll just be in class or doing homework.. and I'll think or Kevin and I can't really understand why I did it.. why I stayed so long. Why I didn't say something to him...... I was passive... way too passive. I was. I don't think I am anymore.

I wonder how this year's Sailor's Ball went. I wonder what the bros think about it.. I wonder if they know what happened, from my point of view. Honestly, I know I care too much about what people think... but I can't help it. I wonder what his family thinks. I wonder if they feel bad for me.. if they know what happened. It bothers me that I have no control over what those people think. It also bothers me to say things. So even if I was close to them, they wouldn't know my side of the story.. I feel like I don't tell people what happened, or my thoughts on everything because I don't want them forming their opinions about Kevin. Because I care what they think about him.. Honestly, I don't know if that's because I care for him, or I care what they'll think about me for being with him.

One year... Could you imagine what we would have done today? Hopefully something.. Because honestly, our monthiversaries didn't work out. And that bothered me.. I remember during of them, I kind of brought it up. I said I wanted to celebrate because I knew we wouldn't be together for a long time, so I wanted to celebrate the little time we had together. He agreed.. but still we didn't do much.

1. He forgot.. I was going to make him a card, but I didn't give him the work in progress. There was confusion and we didn't know what date.
2. We went on a picnic and fed ducks
3. Ended up sleeping all day/night
4. Ended up making Candyland a drinking game. I drank redbull.
5. Went grocery shopping. He forgot. I got pinned.
6. Went to Santa Cruz and out for a nice dinner, fell asleep during a movie
7. Didn't see him.. he started his weekend drinking at 12 and I had my scrapbook and final the next day
8. After 12AM, saw him the worst I've seen him.. had to drive him home, messed up his car. The actual day: tried a new restaurant, Quickly's
Unofficial 9. Made him paint pottery with me

I guess when it's written out, it doesn't seem bad.. but in reality.. it was pretty sad. Just thinking about some of these days bring back all the emotions. The anger, disappointment, sadness... and happiness. But still..

Why am I such a silly girl?

Lot's of stuff coming up this week. 'Gotta start taking school seriously again. I had a lazy week, 'gotta step up.. and step my socializing too. As much as I love it, I shouldn't spend all my time with one person.

Another recruitment event coming up this week, and also have that leadership workshop to work on. Need to brainstorm ideas.

Why isn't my phone fixed? Ugh, hate it. My camera is acting fishy too..
I want my room to be clean and not as cluttered... but what do I do with everything? I can't put it anywhere.

My speakers don't go loud enough. I can't drown the thoughts in my head. Quiet whispers growing louder, forever echoing throughout my thoughts.
Too bad I don't feel welcome. I'm not welcome anymore.
I know I shouldn't, but my thoughts still wander to that day, that moment. I should have known better.